Not Today

i almost had my next installment on my book done, but then i decided i didn’t like a turn it had taken, so i have re-work to do.  No big deal, but i had a lot of regular stuff to take care of today, so it won’t be ready to post til Monday probably.  And that’s ok.

Also, i started reading a new kinky series and am loving it so far.  It’s by Roxy Sloane and is called Sweet Submission.  The series is just “The Submission Series.”

i am becoming more aware of how much i don’t like to be in crowds of people.  i think that i never thought of that as a valid reason for not doing something, so i just never recognized it was the barrier.  i could feel it – the sense of dread, even while i was being mentally drawn toward whatever the activity was, just this underlying sense of cringing away from it.

Of course it’s easier to go if i’m with someone, and MP is sometimes willing to accompany me, but he’s also not a bit sorry if i back out at the last moment.  In some ways i do better if i have someone to push me a bit, someone who would be disappointed if we didn’t do it. But i can’t rely on someone else to do that for me.

So i always thought i was just supposed to push through the cringing and dread to do it anyhow. When i didn’t do it, i would tell myself i “just didn’t feel like it,” and in my head, it had a sense of mystery.  Why did i not feel like it?  What was wrong with me that i wasn’t just doing it anyhow?  No clue.

Now – just now, and i am 60 years old – i am beginning to say, to myself, and to others – i just don’t like crowds.   And – i already knew this one – i don’t like doing new things.  Sometimes, the want-to outweighs the don’t-wanna, but if it doesn’t, maybe that’s ok.

So i’m just going to recognize that “backing out’ isn’t something mysterious that just happens, it’s a choice i make for the legitimate reason that not wanting to go be in a crowd outweighs my original desire to go.  It’s fine.  I am, after all, a frigging introvert.  i get to act like one sometimes.

saintpauliaafricanviolet-1

Not shrinking violets – African violets.  But still.  🙂

 

3 thoughts on “Not Today

  1. I have to try and keep a balance with this. I am lucky enough to not have to leave the house at all a few times a month. Living in NYC is hard on us introverts. SR hated crowds more than me by a lot because I’m invested in having experiences together and a crowd everywhere is just part of living (here). I do like new things which is helpful and like to feel inspired so I focus on that too to push through. If it’s not going to connect me with someone or inspire me-i write it off and save my energy for what will. I hope Olivia is being a good girl and can’t wait to read more!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That sounds like a good way to balance it. i guess i wouldn’t do well in NYC – when i was a teenager, my big wish was to live their someday and own a motorcycle. Neither of those things happened. And it’s probably just as well.

      AND Happy Birthday jade!!! Hope you’re having a lovely day!!

      Liked by 1 person

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