i actually have one more post of Training finished, but i’m waiting til tomorrow for that.  i can’t resist posting this:

i saw that posted on Facebook by a lovely Dominant woman i know, and i was so delighted i just laughed out loud.

And for just a minute, i envision eating Doritos and onion dip, and going to a kink event all by myself, far away from Where-i-Live.   Not at the same time, of course.  The Doritos and dip, i could do tomorrow, the kink event would have to wait.

i’ve been thinking about my relationship with food though.  MP and i went out for dinner tonight, and had a nice meal.  i ate reasonably – a small piece of salmon, some asparagus and a baked potato.   And i would have been fine.  BUT it was free pie night!

Yes.  Free pie.

And suddenly, it was essential that i get my piece of free pie.  What the hell was that about?  i mean really.  It’s not like i couldn’t afford to buy my own damn piece of pie if that was what i wanted.  But it suddenly became important to have it.

Shrug.  Fuck it.

It wasn’t great pie, so that was sad.  But it wasn’t half bad either, and i didn’t come home and continue eating  because i felt guilty, so fuck it.  And then i saw the meme my friend posted and just laughed.

And yes, i am apparently becoming the crazy food blog lady.  Here’s what my piece of pie looked like:

It was pretty lovely..  Not sure if it tasted as good as skinny feels – they say nothing does  – but it was a close second.

i  think that i think that if i quit indulging my food whims that i’ll be a dried up (skinny) old hag who’s no fun. But i don’t think that’s factual, i think it just feels true.   i need to find my way into a space in my head that recognizes that impulsive eating is not the only road to joy.

Oh, wait, no sex, no kink, no submission, no cigarettes, no drugs… maybe food is all that’s left.   (Not that i want cigarettes or drugs, but still…)

Ok, no, i know that’s really not the way it is.  No, it isn’t.  But somehow i get caught up in that thinking – that it’s either fun and food or no food and no fun.  And i start feeling guilty and awful for not knowing better.

Then i remember that it’s not just me struggling with this, it’s half the people in our society.  At least half.  And the media sends us really fucked up messages about food and fat because they’re all about consumerism.  So i need to step away from that crap, in my head.

i’m looking for a way out of the compulsions, right?  And really i know the way – it’s being mindful, sitting with the urge rather than acting on it.  But knowing and doing are sometimes very far apart.  If that weren’t true, the world would be a very different place.