An Open Mind

‘What’s on your mind?” he asks.

Deep in thought, i say, “Nothing, really,” but then i hear what i’ve said and see his face, eyebrows raised.  My eyes widen, and i swallow hard, wishing i could take those careless words back.

It is, of course, too late.  “That’s ten,” he says casually.  “With the crop or the paddle, we’ll sort that out later.”

He looks at me, waiting, and he doesn’t have to ask again, i volunteer quickly, “Susan.  i was thinking about Susan.  i’m sorry.”

“It’s ok,” he says.  “I didn’t think we were through with that.  Can’t let it go, can you?”

“No, Sir,” i sigh.  “i just keep thinking about how i might have handled it differently.  If i had just messaged her back sooner, even if i just said i was thinking about it, instead of waiting so long.  i keep thinking about what i could have said.”

He nods.  “And she blocked you.  On Facebook.”  His tone is just slightly acerbic.  “Because you didn’t drop everything you were doing on our vacation to answer her right away.  Your cousin’s ex-girlfriend.  This is what you can’t quit fretting about.”

“Yes, Sir, i know, Sir.  It sounds silly when you put it that way.  i mean, that’s the way it is, so i guess it is silly.”

He shakes his head, “Not silly, it’s perfectionism.  That’s an automatic five.  Five more because you can’t forgive yourself, takes us up to twenty, and I’ll throw in five more because we’re on vacation and I would rather be playing with you than punishing you.  Do you want them here, right now?”

“Here?” i gasp, because i realize he could do that – he could punish me right here in the lounge of this event we’re at.  And no one would stop him, or even think much of it.   That’s the beauty of being at a kink event, usually, but it seems kind of horrifying at the moment.   “Oh, oh -” and i have to bite my lip hard not to say, “No, Sir, please not here!”  But that’s not the right answer, and i know it.

“If it pleases you, Master,” i say, “then of course,” forcing the words out, trying to sound pleasant and appropriately submissive.  He smiles, fully aware of how hard that was for me.

“Tell you what,” he says, “I’ll ask Master Joseph if he’ll unlock the dungeon for us for a little while.”  He stands, motions for me to get up too.  i am already wearing my collar and leash, heels that are just a bit uncomfortable, and a dress that barely hits mid-thigh.  He takes the leash in hand and begins circulating through the room, greeting people he knows, searching for his old friend, Master Joseph, who is the organizer for this event.

They spot each other at almost the same moment, and i watch Master Joseph excuse himself from the people he’s talking to and head in our direction.  My stomach tightens in knots, i don’t know this master at all, and i’m not proud that our first introduction will be due to me needing to be punished.

My Master seems unconcerned.  The two men greet each other, chat for a minute about the event.  Master doesn’t introduce me, and i wait with my eyes down.  It’s Master Joseph who finally says, “You looked like you needed something, Daniel.  Anything I can help with?”

Master says,” Yes, actually I do.  I need to punish this girl of mine, ” with a tug on my leash, “And was wondering if I’d be allowed to use one of the dungeons for that.”

“Oh, absolutely!”   Master Joseph is beaming.   “Feel free to use the whips and paddles of course.  I can’t come with you right now, but here – Lydia – ” and he stops one of the cute young assistants bustling around.   This one has tassels on her nipples and a tutu.  “Lydia, will you take my friend, Master Daniel, and his girl to Room D and make sure they have everything they need?”

“Of course, Master Joseph,” she says, her tone as perky as her breasts.  Turning to us, smiling at my Master, she says, “This way, we’ll cut through here and it’s just down the hallway.”

It seems like no time before we are in the room and, without even a moment to look around at the fascinating furniture and devices, Master hustles me to the corner.   “Nose to the wall,” he says, “Now take one step back.  Ass out.”  He raises my skirt so my ass is fully exposed, tucking it under my belt so it will stay.  i hear him say, “Thank you, Lydia, we’ll be fine,” and assume that she’s leaving.

“Now,” he says, and i can sense his body behind me, his mouth close to my ear.  “Here is the focus for your first meditation.  ‘My mind is always open to my Master.’  Say it out loud once.”

i repeat it, “My mind is always open to my Master,” and as i do, i can feel it, my mind opening for him.

“Focus on that,” he says.  “When your mind wanders, and it will, just notice and bring your attention back to keeping your mind open to me.  Clear?”

“Yes, Master.”

i can tell he’s moved away because the air is cooler on my ass.  As soon as i notice myself noticing that, i pull my attention back.

“My mind is always open to my Master.   My mind is always open to my Master.  My mind…”

i don’t know how much time goes by, or how many times my attention wanders and i pull it back.  Days, weeks, or maybe 10 minutes.  But suddenly he is behind me again.

He takes my collar, turns me so he can grasp my leash.  Without a word, he leads me to a spanking bench, gestures for me to kneel up on it.   Quickly, i position myself, ass up, of course.

“I don’t want you to count these first ten,” he says, “But I do want you to say your mantra after each one.  Here we go.”

i don’t even know what he’s got in his hand til it lands, and there’s no doubt it’s a paddle.  A big one, too, and i swallow a scream.  “My mind is always open to my Master,” i say quickly.

That phrase gives the first whack just enough time to really hurt before the second one lands. “My mind is always open to my Master!”  i think that i can’t take this, and after the fifth one, he fastens my arms in place so my hands can’t come back in a misguided effort to protect my ass.

But by the time he gets to eight, i’ve moved into that place of acceptance, where i almost – not quite, but almost – welcome it.  It takes  me a second to form words, and my ass is burning, but i’m no longer fighting it.

After the first ten, he switches to the crop.  It slices through the air, raising welts on my ass.  My phrase is different too, i’m to say, “I will never be perfect” after each lick.

i am almost crying at first, but more quickly this time i am able to relax into it.  Those five go pretty quickly, as each time he hits above or below the previous mark.

The next five are more difficult, he strikes diagonally, making sure the welts criss-cross. For the next five, i am required to say, “i forgive myself for not being perfect.”  i am crying now, but these tears are welcome.  i can feel something loosening inside me as i let go of the anxiety and the shame.

The last five are with his belt.  i hear him pull it from the belt loops with a sense of relief.  i love his belt.  And the last five are directed to my upper thighs, and my sit spot.  The feeling is going to linger every time i sit down for a while.  But now i am only required to say “Thank you, Master,” after each blow, and i am feeling the truth of that gratitude.

When he is finished, he releases my arms but tells me to stay.  i know he will wipe down the crop and the paddle he’s borrowed.   i am not allowed to rub my ass, which is throbbing and sore.

Then he leads me back to the corner.  Face to the wall, my cheeks streaked with tears, i assume the position, with my nose as close to the corner as i can get it, ass pushed out.

“I want you to finish with a loving-kindness meditation,” he says.  “I don’t care which one, but send lots of loving-kindness to Susan, and to yourself.”

i hear him walk away, and know that he’s going to clean the spanking bench.  After a couple of deep breaths, i began, “May Susan be peaceful, may Susan be happy, may Susan be safe.  May Susan awaken to the light of her true nature.  May Susan be free.”  If i had done this in the first place, maybe i wouldn’t have been fretting about her.   Maybe i wouldn’t have needed to be punished.

Time passes, probably not as much time as it seems.  At last, i feel his hand on my collar, “Finish up,” he says, and i end silently with him, “May Master be peaceful, may Master be happy, my Master be safe, may Master awaken to the light of his true nature, may Master be free.”

He helps me move away from the wall; leads me to a large armchair.  He settles himself in the chair, motions for me to sit at his feet.  i am very tired, and maybe he is too.  He lets me rest my head on his thigh, and strokes my hair for a little bit.

Finally, i look up at him, raise my eyebrows, lick my lips suggestively.   He laughs, but shakes his head.  “No, girl, no cock worship for you, and no orgasms either, not right now.  Tell me what you would do differently if you had this to do over.”

And i tell him, i let him know that next time i will remember to use the loving -kindness meditation to let go of my anxiety before i need to be punished, or i will ask him for help.  i hope that i will really do it when the time comes.

i thank him for punishing me.  My voice is low, but i trust that he knows i really am grateful.

He lets me kiss his hands, and then he says, “Come on.  Up with you.  You need to wash your face before we go back.”

On my feet, i add, “And pull my skirt back down?”  He shakes his head, “Oh, no, I think we’ll leave it up for a while.  I like the sight of that lovely ass, all red and sore.”

i glance at him out of the corner of my eye – surely he’s kidding – but i’m no fool.  “If it pleases you, Master,” i say, smiling sweetly, as we walk on.

********************

i apologize for the length of this, it’s nearly twice as long as most of my posts.  But i wrote it in one afternoon, and couldn’t find the right place for it to break in two parts.

The story reminds me of one of the Dr. Seuss stories – the one about the little boy who’s explaining to his teacher why he’s late to school.  He tells her this whole long story about two worms fighting and other animals getting involved, and when he gets through she says, “Did all that really happen?”  And he shuffles his feet and says “Well, I did see a worm.”

ca_seuss-2-630x464

Rather like him, there really was a Facebook message that i didn’t respond to immediately, and i did get blocked. The rest is pure fantasy – except for the loving kindness meditation, which i include here in a slightly different version.

2 thoughts on “An Open Mind

  1. i’m so sorry that you were misjudged and blocked over something so trivial. i love that these fantasies focus on forgiving ourselves for not being perfect, something i am not sure i will ever be able to do permanently. i do practice sending love and light when people hurt me, and i know i have work to do when this is hard. Mostly, if it is hard it is because i feel misjudged or attacked. Or both. In any case, this is a lovely piece of work. Hugs.

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    1. Yeah, perfectionism is hard to overcome. i still have hope. However – let me be clear – i don’t care at all that she blocked me. i feel bad because i know she’s adding this to the drama she’s already worked up in her head – it’s “And NOW even his FAMILY won’t speak to me!! How can they BE like that?” and so on. When really I just couldn’t figure out what to say in response to the drama she brought me that wouldn’t hurt her feelings or be unfair to my cousin. Anyhow. i can see why she’d leap to that conclusion – i’m a fast responder usually – but i don’t care that she blocked me.

      Thanks for caring about my feelings though!!

      Liked by 1 person

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