i was wondering today when and how i began to think of myself as unfocused and disorganized. No, wait, that’s not quite right, but i began to think of myself as “not focused enough,” and “not organized enough.”
i think that i’ve been missing the point. i can be super focused and super organized ~ when i’m focusing on what other people need, and organizing things so that those goals can be met. i don’t mean i’m super altruistic or unselfish or that i don’t think about my own needs. That wouldn’t be accurate.
But my energies have been directed, mostly, to focusing on goals that other people have set for me and in organizing around those goals. So once upon a time, long ago, i was in graduate school, and taking care of my kids , who were in elementary and middle school, and i was working full-time and at least trying to be a good wife, although not always successfully. i was organized and focused enough to do all that.
Juggling all those moving balls. Wears me out now just to think about it.
But i mostly only do it when it’s somebody else’s balls. (Stop that. i am not talking about that kind of balls! And you know it.)
Anyhow. I don’t know. Maybe i’m actually ok just the way i am – Mr. Rogers would think so, right?
i read this fascinating article that Jade from The Chrysanthemum and The Sword posted on Facebook. It’s called You probably know to ask yourself, “What do I want?” Here’s a way better question, which is an awfully long title. But it suggests:
A more interesting question, a question that perhaps you’ve never considered before, is what pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out.
So, i’d like to have a great body (for an old woman) but am
apparently obviously not willing to exercise a whole lot more and eat a whole lot less to get there. i’d like to be a famous author, but not enough to risk rejection by sending my work to a publisher.
The article says:
Everybody wants to have great sex and an awesome relationship—but not everyone is willing to go through the tough conversations, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings and the emotional psychodrama to get there. And so they settle.
That kind of makes me feel guilty (i do guilt really well, you know) and i think, do i just need to talk to MP more? Then i remember the conversations we’ve had, and his health issues, and a bunch of other stuff, and i shrug off the guilt.
The article is worth reading, and has some truth to it, i think. At the end, it says that it’s not just another “no pain, no gain” article, but it kind of seems like it is, to me. But maybe what it means –
~~let me see if i can express this ~~
Does it mean that you should pick suffering that you enjoy? So even if you don’t succeed (and hard work and suffering DON’T always lead to success) you will enjoy the struggle you went through?
i don’t know. i don’t think it’s saying that. It seems like it’s saying if you haven’t achieved something it’s because you didn’t want the suffering you would have had to go through to get it. When i put it that way, i don’t think it’s necessarily true.
Oh, hell, i don’t know. It is an interesting article. What do you think it’s saying? My brain gets twisted when i try to sort through it. Of course, maybe that’s because i keep waking up at 2:30 a.m. and not being able to go back to sleep. That kinda sucks.
But ultimately, i think my beliefs and my life experience are more aligned with Joseph Campbell, who says:
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”