Not a Girly Girl

/ olivia

I was going to talk about my upcoming appointment at the wax salon. As you may know, if you’ve been around a while, I have been pretty much untouched and unseen as a sexual being for 7 or 8 years, except for a couple of months in 2020. I should add “in person” because I like to think my sexual self has been hiding out here on my blog all that time, expressed in fantasies.

The best way to remedy the “need to get waxed” problem would have been to go DIY. That way, I wouldn’t have to deal with anyone else. I mean, I wouldn’t have waxed myself – I tried that once and it was not pretty. But I could have, you know, shaved or whatever.

The problem is, I am terrible at that kind of thing. No, really, truly not good at it. And it’s not just that one thing – I’m not good at make-up or doing my hair or even doing my own nails either. The fashion era that suited me best were my hippie years, when long straight hair, sandals, and no make-up was an acceptable style. 

Before you leave comments about make-up lessons at Sephora, I should say that most of the time, I’m ok with being pretty much as I am. The magic of perms gives me curly hair, and I’ve found a stylist who doesn’t make me suffer through the ringlet stage. I slap on enough make-up to highlight my eyes when I’m doing classes or social media marketing videos. And I don’t worry too much about it. 

They say that in youth, you have the face you were born with, but in older age you have the face you earned. In my youth, I was petite and had a good body, big hazel eyes and a nice mouth. If I never hit the American standard for pretty, there were enough men who thought I was beautiful that I felt beautiful. Now – I have no idea how to measure my appearance. On a scale of 1 to 100, I’m somewhere between – mmmm – between 20 and 70. 

And it doesn’t really matter. My face is what I have. People nowadays are more likely to tell me I have such a kind face, such a compassionate look, and that’s good enough. You know, we become fairly invisible at some point – no one is thinking about how I look. 

My body, of course, could be improved, at least I guess it still could. But that’s not on the agenda for discussion today. I came to talk about waxing. 

In addition to knowing that this first time in years is going to really hurt – I mean, really hurt – there’s the bit of angst about having to go to a salon. Really, a salon of any sort always intimidates me a bit. There’s a twinge of anxiety that I’m going to do something that will expose me as out of touch with the standards for being a girl. Like there’s a secret memo on how girls act, what they know, what’s important, that some people get and some of us just don’t get the memo. Like a girly-girl card they carry around. Or a code that they have the key to and the rest of us don’t.

Lol, ok, I know that’s not true. It just seems that way. And I know that some of the women who I thought carried that card, or had access to the code, feel the same way I do. So maybe there isn’t any such thing.

But it feels like there is. 

It’s not that I’m not feminine or not womanly. I am. I have lots of feminine energy, which is part of why I’m a good submissive. (At least that’s a theory.) I mean, we all need male and female energy, but my balance tips strongly female.

And I’m not a “I just don’t like women” kind of woman. I felt that way in my teens, but mostly because I felt insecure around girls who (in my view) knew how to be girls. I really like women (although not all of them, of course.) But my women friends both through my blog and outside it mean a great deal to me.

And I still hate knowing that I’m going to walk into that salon and feel old and exposed and ignorant, and maybe even incompetent, which is my deepest fear. That they’re going to look at me with scorn and laugh about me after I leave.

Sigh. But it’s that or DIY. They’ll do a better job than I can. And – you know, it doesn’t really matter what they think. It really doesn’t.

If you’re thinking “oh, poor olivia,” then thanks, that’s very sweet. But I’m not writing this for sympathy. I want to look at how this is an intrinsic part of a D/s relationship. Nooo, not the waxing, although yes, that too. 

D/s relationships call us to open ourselves to the demons inside us, bring them to light, and tame them. I guess all relationships do, but D/s does it in such deeply symbolic ways that it seems more intense, more urgent, than in vanilla relationships. My old therapist would have talked about Jung and the shadow side of ourselves. He would have talked about how only by bringing our own darkness into the light, facing the demons and integrating them, can we heal and become whole.

So the waxing salon, for me, is not just the physical ouch-iness – although that’s going to be super real. It’s coming out of the safety of my shell and stepping into the life I want, no matter what other people might think or what judgments they have. 

Ooof, I see the theme here – more of showing up authentically as I am, embracing my submission, no matter how it looks to anyone else, no matter how – sheesh, how humiliating it might be in the moment. It makes me really grateful for this opportunity.

So – here’s my magic mantra; Here goes nothing. It doesn’t really matter. It will be interesting to see what happens. 

{The image at the bottom of my post is a colorful circle of women dancing, with these words from the poet Sark: The circles of women around us weave invisible nets of love that carry us when we’re weak and sing with us when we’re strong.

18 thoughts on “Not a Girly Girl”

  1. There is so much about this that strikes me… but the words are escaping me. I have a terrible relationship with makeup. I wore it for about six months a few years ago and forgot everything I learned while actually doing it.

    But I have fond memories of when I had the money to wax. It felt like I was taking control of my body very publicly.

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    • Oooh, thanks for this comment Angel! I love that perspective on waxing. Maybe I’ll try to channel you as I walk into the salon. As for makeup – I get it. But you are beautiful just as you are!! Like a dear friend once told me, “I don’t get the big deal about makeup. When I look at you I see olivia. If you’re wearing makeup then I still see olivia – wearing makeup.”

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  2. When we are less than ourselves, we cast aside the extras of grooming and self care. After my breakdown, I had to be reminded to take care of myself in this manner, but even years on, I have still struggled with that need, so I got a haircut when my son needed one and bought clothes when they fell into disrepair and needed replacing. Its only recently that I have done this more vanity based self-care, I used moisturiser and more grooming products and now have even grown a beard and moving out of that comfort zone is scary, but unless you have had to do that, no one gets that. I get it and am glad to see these positive steps.

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  3. Oh, well said, KM! “When we are less than ourselves…” I like that phrase. I have been less than myself, developing in some ways, wanting to be whole, but – I really do need someone to submit to and grow with. I’m glad that you are moving into more self-care too! And glad that you’ve found your way over here.

    I just started following you on your blog and look forward to reading more !

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  4. Sigh, I wrote a long comment and then wordpress decided to annoy me with their log in thing even tho I’ve disabled my wordpress acc. Anyway, i’m glad you shared this – even tho i come across (i think) as a girly girl type, a lot of it is just me having learnt to fake it. I practically froze when the girl at the nail place began to sand off my gel polish with a mini electric tool and only later on found out from a friend that I could have requested for a more conventional soak off method with acetone and foil wraps. How was I to know? LOL

    It was my first time. And it will be my last. I’ve sworn off gel polish.

    I used to think these services were self care pockets in a busy life, but these days self care for me looks like sitting in a cafe reading a news article, meeting a friend for an overdue chat, or just hanging out in front of a video on my lappy to play with nail polish in a DIY home manicure. Aside from a hair cut every month , regular massages (back problems) and the annual hair removal touchup (IPL) I don’t think I’m part of the ‘salon’ crowd either.

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    • Fondles!!! So good to see you here!

      You definitely could pass for a girly girl I think that’s a compliment anyhow. But omg, I can imagine how you felt at the nail place. Those electric sanders are THE WORST and I won’t use gel polish because that’s how they take it off. I didn’t know there was a choice either until right now – so thanks!

      I like your ways of self-care too, the cafe and catching up with friends… I have some corrections to make, but maybe then I can settle into a reasonable rhythm.

      I’m so glad you commented!! And sorry that WordPress was unkind to you again… I’ve been visiting you, I just seldom know what to say. I’ve become a lurker. But now that I’m alive again, I’ll be around more.

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      • I’ve always thought that if I ever meet Sir in person (that’s something we talk about from time to time) that I would want to get waxed first. I think I would walk to keep a small, well trimmed patch of hair…but would want to wax off everything else (including between my bottom cheeks). Can’t wait to read about what you had done! XOXO

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  8. Hi Olivia,

    I think many of us can relate too. Self care can be important to self esteem. Good on you for being brave and stepping out of your comfort zone. I love your analogy to D/s relationships btw 🙂

    Hugs
    Roz

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    • Hey, Roz, Yeah, I thought my experience might be relatable for some. And of course you’re right about self-care! I’m not completely sure that having my hair ripped out from the most senstive place on my body actually qualiflies as self care, but maybe… 😊 I’m glad you liked my analogy!

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