On Friday, I came home from the hospital. It was just a short stay (day and a half) and I’m not complaining. It was not Covid, and it was not a heart attack or a stroke. It was, apparently, my gall bladder. A gallstone, in fact. It could have been much worse, in a multitude of ways, so I’m glad that it wasn’t. Also, it’s been a week now and I’m not having Covid symptoms, so that’s encouraging. Looks like my gallbladder will be coming out in the not too distant future, but that’s fine, I think.
Of course, I’m enjoying the nation’s news, the inauguration and the sense of relief in having a caring, empathetic person who’s able to act from reason rather than impulse in the White House. The thrill of having Kamala Harris, a woman of color, as VP. The knowledge that we’ll have a rollback of some of the gratuitous cruelty that’s happened in the last four years.
I see people saying, sometimes, that they don’t want to get political in their blog posts, but if you read here, if you know me at all, you must know that I’m on the side of the inclusive, anti racist, anti fascist, pro-choice, pro-women, radical liberal folks. I mean, if nothing else, I’m pretty sure those other folks are anti-kink. So there’s that.
But none of that is what I really want to talk about today. It’s about this book I read recently called The Four Tendencies. It’s by Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project lady. This brief explanation is from an article in Forbes based on an interview with her. There is a lot more information in the article, if you want to check it out.
How to Use the Four Tendencies to Improve our Lives
“The Four Tendencies distinguishes how people tend to respond to expectations, both:
• outer expectations (going to a doctor’s appointment, answering a request from a friend)
• inner expectations (practicing guitar, going for a daily run)
Your answer determines your “Tendency.”
• “Upholders” respond readily to outer and inner expectations. They keep the work deadline, and the New Year’s resolution, fairly easily.
• “Questioners” question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense and meets their own inner standards — so they follow only inner expectations.
• “Obligers” meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves. An Obliger journalist has no trouble writing when he has an editor, colleagues, and deadlines, but struggles to write a novel in his free time.
• “Rebels” resist all expectations, outer and inner alike. They want to do what they want, in their own way, and if you ask or tell them to do something, they’re likely to resist.
Three guesses which type I am. Yes, definitely an Obliger. One of the cool things about this framework is that it doesn’t align with other ways we classify ourselves. It doesn’t have anything to do with being an introvert or an extrovert, your Myers-Briggs type, your horoscope sign or any of those things. But I started wondering if submissives tend to be Obligers. When I started this post, I was pretty convinced that submissives were obligers (not necessarily that Obligers were submissives.) I’m rethinking that now, but still…
Regardless of whether or not submissives are obligers, this is definitely me.
For instance, if Obligers want to meet inner expectations, they absolutely must have outer accountability. This is the crucial element for Obligers. So if an Obliger wants to exercise, he might sign up for a class, work out with a trainer, exercise with a friend who gets annoyed if he doesn’t show up, think about his future-self, or consider his duty to be a role model for someone else. Obligers respond well to supervision, scheduling, monitoring, deadlines, reminders, and other forms of accountability.
So it makes sense that I wanted a Dom who would monitor my exercise and self-care routines y’all. And to the people who were kind of snooty about that, that’s fine, y’all are probably Upholders and that’s nice. But it makes sense that I want something outside my self to guide me.
I can’t even tell youall how helpful this has been to me. I don’t know that I’ll change anything or do better, but at least I understand more about who I am. Here’s the link to the quiz if you want to see what your type is. Comment or email me and share your type and your thoughts, if you like – I’d love to hear more.
Olivia 
Sounds interesting. I don’t know what I am. I’ve accomplished stuff on the basis of my internal sense of discipline, like exercise regularly, stay on a weight loss plan.
The blog has helped me write on a regular schedule.
My sobriety, 26.5 years., I would attribute to God’s Graces. It went beyond self-discipline
So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
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Yeah, I’d bet you’re an Upholder, David, a rare type. Makes sense. And hi!! Thanks for commenting!! 💜
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You’re welcome. Good to hear from you.
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Hope my foggy brain didn’t lead me to being snotty about you wanting a Dom to be keep you accountable on stuffs. It makes complete sense, no one blinks at a service sub who offers to do the service-things and this asking a Dom for accountability, is not that far off from *that* line.
❤
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I don’t think it was you, Bleue. I don’t remember who it was, just that it was that sort of “If you think you should be doing something like exercising, you shouldn’t need somebody to make you,” kind of thing. And of course in a way, that’s right… But it’s also true that asking a Dom for unaccountably is within the acceptable, so there’s that. 💜
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ALSO, there’s the whole self-driven part of that which says, “Yeah, why don’t you just do it??!! You should be able to do that!!!” But that’s my own voice, unfortunately…
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This sounds like a great read, thank you for the recommendation! Crossing my fingers that everything goes well with your potential gall bladder removal. Stay safe and well, my friend 🙂
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Thanks Nora I appreciate the good wishes. If you do read the book, let me know what you think!!
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I sure will😘
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💜
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I’m an obliger. Despite some strong tendencies in the rebel direction.
Good to see you writing again
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Thanks! And yeah, I can see that – obliger with rebel tendencies. 💜
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Hi Olivia, Glad your ok. Thats the important thing . Obliger..outer accountability i can see that… maybe a little rebel too…stay safe be healthy.
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Thanks, M! It is nice to feel good again. And yes, I will definitely stay safe and healthy. 💜
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Hi Olivia, sorry to hear about your hospital stay and potential gall bladder removal. Hope you are feeling better.
Interesting article. I think I’m probably a cross between an obliger and qurstioner. Definitely better with external expectations.
Hugs
Roz
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Hey, Roz, Thanks for the good wishes. I am fine at the moment, so that’s all good….
Yeah, Rubin says you can’t be a cross between two. You can only be one and tip toward another one. I’m curious to see how you score on the quiz… but no pressure.
💜 Hugs
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I’m definitely a questioner! If it doesn’t make sense i’m not doing it. I’ll do what I think i must and I hold myself pretty accountable only to myself. Some kind of sub huh! LOL
Also, glad you’re ok now, and hopefully you’ll not need to get the gallbladder removed. Was your stone removal done via minimally invasive surgery? laser? I’m thinking, pew pew pew!
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Hey, Fondles! Yeah, I can totally see that! It fits with all the research you do too. Cool!
I’ll have to message you about my gallbladder, I don’t like talking about medical stuff much, but I am curious to have the conversation with you.
💜
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So i actually did the test and yup, it says i’m a questioner alright. LOL.
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Lol, yep. I’m surrounded by questioners irl. My daughter, MP, my mother was one, my sister is…even one of the grands, I think. It’s not easy being the only obliger in a sea of “But why???’ people. 🙄
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I know these things are usually a broad stroke type definition so with that in mind I tend to be more of an obliger…with an Astrix perhaps? Lol.
As a sub I enjoy being an obliger. When it comes to exercising as an example, I don’t actually want B involved. I have been more successful when it comes from me rather than him. I think the obliger part only works if I believe it’s important for those I am obliging. So if it is a rule for me because he thinks I want it or whatever, then it doesn’t hold much weight for me. I’m not really obliging anything in that case. Does that make sense?
My sister recently had her gallbladder out, and was surprised at how invasive it was. I hope if you end up having to go that route it will be the same for you.
Willie
( And yes I knew which side of the political line you were on long before I read it. Lol)
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Hey, Willie! No, I don’t think you’re an obliger, obligers don’t decide they’re going to exercise and just do it. I’d bet several bucks you’re a questioner. But what do I know?
I’m glad it wasn’t too bad for your sister. I’ve heard really positive things about it, so we’ll see.
And lol – right? You’d have to be oblivious to lots of things to not know which political side I’m on. Also – good to see you!!
💜
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Oh I’m definitely not a questioner, at least not by their definitions anyway. Lol. I did take the test and it came up obligatory ….but I do have a strong sense of personal responsibility (for most things). For us submission/DD/Ds was never really about accountability so who knows? Lol
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Ok, interesting! That’s cool then. Thanks for sharing that!
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“In fact, asking or telling Rebels to do something often makes them do just the opposite.”
Yeah, that describes me pretty well, lol. This also sums up why I can be stubborn about obligations such as work. And relationship problems 😅 sometimes but need to out rebel myself to do things like exercise.
I hope you feel better from the gallstones! 😬 Sending you well wishes and good health!
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Thanks for the good wishes!
That’s very interesting, that you’re a rebel. I have to go back and reread some of your posts in that light. Thanks for commenting!
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