I have turned out to be a controlling old hag. I won’t give details ’cause it doesn’t matter, but over and over this year, I’ve had to notice my own tendency to want to manage how other people live their lives. Um, particularly all these people I live with.
It’s how I manage my anxiety.
It’s exhausting.
And that makes me laugh, really. I am feeling a bit kinder to myself now than I have in the past. At one time, the idea that I have this control-freak aspect of myself would have appalled me, filled me with shame.
I am a bit kinder to myself these days, and I just shake my head. I can notice when I’m doing it and let it go. I can quit doing it in that moment, and then forgive myself. Mostly anyhow.
Sometimes I’m fine, and sometimes, I am just not ok. And – lol – I guess that’s ok.
I read this lately, and it resonated with me so much.
I am ok/ I am not ok. It’s a clear case of Schrodinger’s cat.
How are you?
Olivia 
What??!! You? A control freak? No way (rofl). Sweetheart, everyone who makes it as a slave is a control freak. We have to be to manage ourselves so exactingly for years. We just shove all that crazy into doing thing the way we are taught and getting upset because our routine changed.
The other thing it occurs to me to say is, you are a matriarch. You are SUPPOSED to be in control of multi generation from a perspective of what is a cultural norm for us. And just because of that, it seems pretty damn reasonable to me for your family sometimes to just shut up and do it your way. They have NO IDEA how good they have it. i could tell them some stories of real control freakdom. Yes. Maybe you need to pick a few areas that you do actually just have/take the final say on.
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Lol, jade, I came back and read this about 5 times just because it made me smile. You make some good points. And yes, I do need to pick some things that I have the final say in, but only if it doesn’t involve more work for me! Thanks for sharing your perspective, dear friend. 💜💜
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If I have to come down there, I’m gonna make everyone watch Judge Judy because she was so much like my Grand she made my brother and I super stressed as kids. The ultimate threat was to call her. Not that I’m suggesting you start chasing down various family members with a yardstick. But yeah you are the female Head and some things need to become yours to control; you have more than earned the right. In nyc this gets truncated to stay in your own lane. This is an important lesson for your mini me.
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You are too funny! It’s not about wanting more control really, although I’m pretty sure the world would be a better place if I were in charge. It’s about not wanting to feel like I have to take charge. But thank you for the support!!
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In all truth, I wanted to start me commentary with a well placed “Missy” in there but you know how to call SR. 😂
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Mmmmhmmm, I’ll Missy you, Missy! And yes, I do know how to call SR! 🤣
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I do the same. Got called a “bully” by my husband when we split. But that is also what makes me my family’s protector— that same strength, the same foresight
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And I die a little inside every day because there is no one to look out for me. And it’s frustrating as hell
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Yeah, I feel this really hard.
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Calling you a bully is pretty mean. That sucks. And yes. It is also a source of strength, so fuck ’em. 💜 Ooh, I have a bad attitude today…
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Yeah well people say mean things when they are breaking up
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They often do! Yes.
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Hi Olivia,
I’m glad you are being kinder to yourself. I agree with Jade, as the matriarch of the family it’s expected you will take charge ln occasion.
Hugs
Roz
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Dearest Roz – Thank you!! 💜
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I am a submissive, but by no means does that or did that EVER include my kids. Years ago I read a blog post ( perhaps by Wild West Woman ) that talked about control. In the post she said she realized that SHE didn’t have to be in control, but SOMEONE did. Perhaps it is this crazy world we find ourselves in- and you are currently trying to control what little you can. I don’t survive well with confusion and chaos so controlling behavior seems to be a Band-Aid for that, temporarily.
Perhaps it is your force field to protect your submissive heart( more on that..). Or,perhaps it is merely how you are viewing the word control at the moment.
I can only share how taking control makes me feel. When we are off, or stumble or are even on a pause with our dynamic, taking control is a double edged sword. It allows me a safe distance from my feelings of longing for missing what I need. In turn I can (almost) justify that I am okay with it- that I don’t require to not be Chief of Staff. But in the end, and the end could be mins, hours, days…you get the picture, I eventually end up sad or feeling empty, missing who I once was and who I was when I thrived.
💗willie
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Thanks for sharing your experience Willie. I was never submissive to my children either, but my daughter is 36 years old. We share a house, and she has a right to live her life as she sees fit. We share the house, we each have our own space, she doesn’t need me trying to run her life.
Who I once was is gone, there is no Dom here, no one who wants to be dominant. MP is tired and not in good health, and honestly, just not interested. So I hear you. And right now, there’s not much I can do about it. So it is what it is. 💜💜
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