Thank you, Bob Marley

Just for perspective:

Having said that, and fully believing that in the long run, “Every little thing gonna be all right…” last night I had this overwhelming feeling that the walls were closing in on me.

The alone time and space that I treasure and need is going to be gone. Everyone’s anxiety is up – and I’m the one they turn to – they look to me to help them feel better.

And that’s ok. But last night, I just had the sensation that I was going to get crushed. Like in an old Batman episode when Batman and Robin have been thrown into some kind of cell and the walls begin to literally move in on them.

Of course they always find an escape hatch at the last minute, and I’m sure I will too. Plus, it won’t be all bad if i just fail to help the other adults in the house. That might be a powerful impetus for them to develop more internal resources. Which – of course they already have plenty of internal resources.

So my task is to make sure I don’t get drained, that I replenish myself. To make sure that my cup is full.

This is probably going to be a wonderful period of growth for all of us in this house. The kids will have new experiences. The grown-ups will have new challenges and new experiences with all the opportunities for growth that come with that. I’ll learn new ways to manage self-care – and community care – and it will all be ok.

But last night, in the midst of my “What-about-me-itis,” (yes, not to be confused with What-about-me-TITis) all I could think was – well, obviously – WHAT ABOUT ME?? Who is taking care of me? Who is wondering how this will affect me, who is thinking, “But how can I help support Olivia?” Nobody. Nobody.

And that was when I felt the walls closing in on me. And this moment of panic. “I can’t do this, I can’t!!”

In fact, right this minute, MP is explaining to me how all of this is not going to affect us that much. You know, it’ll affect the kids some cause they won’t be in school, but it won’t affect us that much. I’m like:

Really? My whole life is going to be up-ended. But that’s what I”m talking about. He also told me he’s the only one in the high-risk category in our house. Really?

Shrug. It’s ok. I just had this moment last night of wanting to be at the center of someone’s concern. BUT this is a recurring theme in my life. So it’s not like I can blame the pandemic for me feeling this way.

And MP is just trying to keep his head above water. I get that. When I ask him about the things he’s said, he can explain what he meant and why it didn’t mean what I thought. {Eye roll} But I can let that go.

I remind myself that we are all doing the best we know how to do. And that is enough. The walls will not actually crush me, and I will learn new ways of relating to the universe. And I’m not worried, bout a thing, cause “every little thing, gonna be all right.”

8 thoughts on “Thank you, Bob Marley

  1. So, i know it doesn’t fix one damn thing, but you keep crossing my mind. i keep sending you energy because i know everyone depends upon you. i know that you will end up doing whatever smoothes the situations the best you can. i keep wanting to mail you a care package and have items set aside to send you and the littles.

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  2. This is an honest question so please do not hear any snark in it… do you let them know</I? that you would appreciate support? Or do you do that thing that most moms do so well, where you so uncomplainingly shoulder far more burden than is actually yours that no one realizes you're listing sideways?
    (And if you need lessons in obnoxious whining, let me know! ;-p)

    Liked by 1 person

    • No, that’s a very legit question. I think I do let them know. At least – they can each see how the other one isn’t giving me any space, or is leaning on me too much, you know? But yes, I could probably work on more direct communication. Good point. And, lol, I think I do fine with obnoxious whining all by myself already, but thanks for the offer!
      yY

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