On New Year’s Eve, we think about change and resolutions or, in my case, intentions. I’m feeling pretty much like a failure today, even though I know that’s irrational and no one is “a failure,” even if we don’t do everything right or everything successfully. I know that. And yet…
WARNING: If you prefer to think of me as someone who is competent and has my shit together, now is the time to stop reading. Seriously. Just leave.
There is something that I should have taken care of months ago and I still haven’t and it may cost me hundreds of dollars that I don’t really have. That’s in addition to my teeth, which I didn’t take care of for so long that it’s costing me thousands of dollars, which I also don’t really have. And I still can’t make myself take care of the one problem, which would than save me money, instead I sit here writing about it, bemoaning the fact that I haven’t already done it, asking the Universe “What’s Wrong with Me?” Feeling disgusted with myself.
And I need to call my dentist, which I also don’t want to do. At all. What IS wrong with me?
I should probably call my doctor about this problem with my thumb. Not even going to do it. Nope.
I think about all the clients that I’ve worked with who felt this way and the things I’ve said to them – and it doesn’t help. At all. All the times I’ve said “Maybe it’s not that there’s something wrong with you, maybe you just need to do the thing.”
But my heels are dug in, in a dramatic display of willfulness, I refuse to do the things that would solve the problem. Or might solve the problem.
I’m afraid it’s not solvable, afraid it can’t be fixed. I’d rather teeter on the edge of uncertainty than deal with bad news. No matter how foolish that might be.
I feel ashamed for having problems that were avoidable. Some voice in my head chastises me and demands to know how I could let “this” go on for so long. How I could let my procrastination be so damaging? The voice fusses and scolds. I can curl up in a ball and cry, but it doesn’t motivate me to act.
And then there’s the whole marketing thing, the key to making a living with my business. WHAT made me think I could do this? Ok, this time I’m not whining about not having anything worth sharing or services worth providing, but I CANNOT market myself worth a damn.
I know, I know, it’s not a “cannot.” I can. I could. I guess I won’t?
And then I just feel sad.
I don’t drink – not excessively. Don’t smoke cigarettes anymore. Don’t use any drugs, not even weed. Sometimes, that seems unfortunate.
Would I do better if I had a Sir to spank me? Would that actually help, or is that just a lie I tell myself? Is some of what I’m feeling just envy of Sofia?
It doesn’t matter. My situation is not likely to change. I need to figure out how to move on, how to just frigging do the things I need to do.