FFF 2.0 5-31 & Consent

Checking in today with just the facts. Step count average is 5,000, Low of 3,400 and a high of almost 11,000. Weight is hovering at 167 – 168. Average sleep is just under 6 hours/night, which kind of sucks, but what’s a girl to do? When you wake up at 3 am. and can’t go back to sleep…

In other news, I feel like I’ve officially hit old age. CN: Dental stuff…

I had another crown pop off – and this time there was not enough tooth left to put it back on. So they’re recommending an implant, only of course I can’t get that done right now, and I have a ton of other dental work that has to be done first. It wasn’t actually a front tooth, but the gap was obvious if I fully smiled. Soooooo….

I have a partial. Yeah, it comes out, and I store it in a plastic box, not a glass of water next to my bed, but still. The good news is that she went ahead and had them put a couple of other teeth that I’ve been missing for a long time that didn’t show on it, so that’s kind of cool. The bad news is that it’s still pretty uncomfortable when I eat, but I hear it can be adjusted and it won’t always be like that.

The funny thing is that both my partner and my daughter claim that they never noticed the missing tooth. It was a canine, y’all. How could they not notice? Part of me is like, “Well, that’s cool,” and another part of me thinks, “Oh, so you’re actually not paying any attention to me at all? Not actually even looking at me?” I know that’s (kind of) silly, but that’s how it feels.

Anyhow. For today’s amusement, here’s an article from Teen Vogue about BDSM and consent. Of course, it debunks the idea that 50 Shades of Gray portrayed consent accurately. The article points out:

“For instance in Fifty Shades, Christian’s contract comes with some heavy baggage: “A ‘yes’ is only meaningful if it can be taken away at any time without consequences. ‘You must sign this BDSM contract or I will break up with you and fly away on my helicopter’ is not actually good consent.” Laura Schroeder, an Account Director at Fun Factory tells Teen Vogue.”

I kind of enjoyed the 50 Shades books (no, I didn’t see the movie.) But I would never point to them as an example of what BDSM is actually like.

The article goes on to say:

“What you may not know is that consent is actually the foundation of BDSM play. Before you can “play,” you need to discuss the boundaries and comforts levels of each person involved in the scene.”

This always makes me think about some of my favorite experiences, which did involve discussing what was going to happen and giving clear consent. It’s an important thing to do for fire play, right?

The article goes on to say:

“BDSM is not all about chains, whips, and ball gags, despite what you’ve seen in the movies. It is about the giving and receiving of control over anything else. Both the submissive and dominant consent to the submission and domination.

That’s actually what makes BDSM so erotic to many who enjoy it.”

I have some thoughts floating around in my head about how this type of BDSM is different from DD, but I don’t think I can articulate them right now. Certainly, there are relationships based on having given total consent up front. So there are some shades of things. For me, the ideal is more of a BDSM model, where consensual lines are more clear.

Um, not that it matters, since I don’t have anything like that. Sigh… It’s still fun to think about.

21 thoughts on “FFF 2.0 5-31 & Consent

  1. Interesting …. and also great, Olivia, that it was a Teen Vogue article … I’ve heard good things about the publication. I too enjoyed the 50 Shades books … if nothing else it brought awareness to mainstream … and you missed nothing re the movies … squeamishly awful 🙂

    Your comment re DD and BDSM reminds me of a comment Willie has made more than once … you can have BDSM without DD … D/s (at least), is part and parcel of DD. I like to think we now have the best of both worlds.

    I hear the wistfulness in your ‘voice’ … I wish you could have again the relationship you long for … big hugs! … nj

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, NJ, I’m glad you liked it! I’ve been super impressed with Teen Vogue.

      I think you’re right -nor Willie’s right – about BDSM and DD. I know there are couples who have a vanilla DD thing going on, but there’s definitely still a D/s aspect. And for real, I would probably do well with a mostly BDSM flavored relationship.

      And yeah. A touch of wistfulness for sure. Thanks. ❤

      Like

    • LOL…” you can have D/s without DD but you can’t have Dd without D/s’ You don’t need the physical aspect of Dd for D/s or even the non physical punishment ( but you know there is a lot to be said for the connection depending on how you are wired) but you have to submit in some way to participate in Dd.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. OK, help me out. I can be judmental, patriarchal, and any other puritanical pejorative that’s out there, so “Teen” Vogue and BDSM? My concept of teens has teens getting their feet wet in vanilla stuff, like sock hops, the prom, going to the football game, and any other Archie, Betty, Veronica and Jughead activity you can think of for teens to engage in. I really can’t imagine a sixteen year old topping somebody. Tell me my perception is inaccurate.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear David, I don’t know that the concept ot teens you describe was ever true. When I was 13, I was “dating” a 21 year old man and by the time I was 14, experiencing a pretty full range of abuse – hitting, rape, and anal rape. He would smack me if I didn’t want to have sex until I gave in. He “loved me” so much, he couldn’t stand it when I said no.

      In health class, we learned that hickeys were immoral and at the Catholic boys school parties, there were whispers about that girl who “got drunk and ran a train in the bedroom.” She might have been passed out, but nobody worried about whether that was consensual or not. We learned about guys having needs and the problem with blue balls and how they couldn’t help themselves.

      Nobody ever talked to me about consent. Adults said, “don’t let him or he won’t respect you” or “they won’t buy the cow if they can get the milk free.” But you were supposed to keep him interested and not make him mad and stay a virgin.

      I’ve been submissive all my life and I had no idea there was a safe way to express my urges or that my giving could be done consensually, with respect and love. Maybe there were people who had that adolescence you describe. I didn’t know them, and I’m pretty sure there aren’t many at all now. I wish there had been Teen Vogue back when i was young.

      I don’t think you’re judgmental or puritanical, I just think you’re out of touch with the world out there. ❤

      Like

      • Oh, to be sure. I think what was (is?) taking place were several different modalities of sexual behavior and mores, one where girls weren’t expected to be sexual, and another where they were sexually active. Getting young people accurate information isn’t bad or wrong. Letting young people know it’s ok NOT to be sexually active until later teen years or adulthood should be expressed without being judgmental. In other words, there is nothing “wrong” with a young man or woman if they don’t want to have sex.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sex Education has been an ideogical struggle for too long. What we see, promiscuity, high STD rates, pregnancies from people ill-prepared to be parents and, of course, abortions are the results of both factions putting “agendas” before people. Sorry for the rant. I don’t mean to sound too hard core.

        Like

      • Hmmmm. Not sure what you mean when you say it’s been an idealogical struggle. Promiscuity and high STD rates have been around forever – the known history of syphllis goes back to at least the late 1400’s.

        “If I were asked which is the most destructive of all diseases I should unhesitatingly reply, it is that which for some years has been raging with impunity … What contagion does thus invade the whole body, so much resist medical art, becomes inoculated so readily, and so cruelly tortures the patient ?” ~~ Desiderius Erasmus, 1520.
        [1]

        Sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) have posed a threat to military service members throughout history. [2, 3] In the US Army during World War I they were the second most common reason for disability and absence from duty, being responsible for nearly 7 million lost person-days and the discharge of more than 10,000 men. Only the Spanish influenza epidemic of 1918-1919 accounted for more loss of duty during that war. During World War II between 1941 and 1945 the annual incidence of STD’s in the US Army was 43 per 1,000 strength. In the Vietnam War during the period 1963 to 1970 the overall average annual incidence of STD’s was 262 per 1,000 strength, compared with, at the time, 30 per 1,000 in continental US-based army personnel. In Vietnam 90% of STD cases were due to gonorrhoea and slightly over 1% were due to syphilis. [3]

        https://jmvh.org/article/syphilis-its-early-history-and-treatment-until-penicillin-and-the-debate-on-its-origins/

        As for promiscuity – https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/culture-of-love/a-brief-cultural-history-of-sex-938527.html

        Abortion has been around since biblical times and actually the number of abortions is down in the last 10-20 years. About one in three women had an abortion in her lifetime, now it’s about one in four. Prior to Roe v Wade in ’73, it was still about one in three, and hospitals had entire wards for women suffering from unsafe abortions. It doesn’t bother me when you rant, but it doesn’t seem to be fact-based.

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      • No I don’t dispute what you say about the STD and abortion rates, or incidences of sexual activity outside of marriage. I may quibble about when syphilis was introduced into European populations, because new historical and archaeological suggest a presense before 1400. What I mean by ideology is sex education directed toward advocating or proscribing sexual activity among young people.
        I think we are a highly sexualized culture. Suggesting to teenagers that they should be sexually active and if they aren’t , they’re “missing out” on something is the value I call into question.

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      • Lol, I saw that they’re questioning the date of when syphilis started – thanks. I don’t think it’s sex ed classes that over sexualize teens though – I think it’s our materialistic culture and the effort to sell things. But I agree. We do act like teens are ‘supposed to’ be sexually active. Well, except for purity culture, which is kind of creepy.

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      • No argument. I’m not saying get rid of sex ed. Definitely we agree on the materialistic culture’s responsibility in the current situation. Purity culture. Yeah sounds creepy.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Good things to think about. I know we identify as BDSM, and way to go on those 11k steps! ( i think you missed a zero there… it reads 1100 at the moment.) Thanks for sticking with it and continuing to step up and out there with me every week!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Olivia, way to go on the 11k steps! Sorry to hear about the dental stuff, dental stuff sucks. Interesting article, and interesting that it was in teen vogue. I too enjoyed the 50 Shades books and have seen the first movie.

    Hugs
    Roz

    Like

    • I’m glad you liked the article – and thanks for the dental sympathy! Yeah, 50 Shades was fun, just not a model for what consent means! Or what BDSM is… lol. Hugs…

      Like

  5. Can I state I am envious of your 6 hours of sleep a night aspect of this post? LOL

    I am sort of, kind of, not really a fringe member of a chat group- recently another ‘group’ decided they’d like to find out more about the Dd portion of the D/s chatroom. They were from a BDSM site. As time went on I learned from a couple of very trusted friends of mine that BDSM ( as a community) is vastly different from even what B and I are. I always assumed that BDSM was basically the physical component to our relationship as far as ‘play or resets’ go. Apparently I have been incorrect (not from these new people they just made me question why my D/s was so vastly different from what they deemed as ‘the CORRECT’ definition of D/s). For example I was told by a Domme that if I broke a rule continually I’d be ‘released’. Yeah, sort of doesn’t work like that if you are MARRIED and you want that piece of chocolate. LOL. My friends believe that BDSM is more a ‘game’ than a life. Going with that the quotes from the article show that 50 shades is really more a lifestyle. A lot of the things he wants from her, if I can remember correctly have to do more with control than the physical. The physical comes into ‘play’ of course, but he wants a TPE -IMHO.

    Anyway, sorry for the ramble- might have had a tad too much wine last night so it is probably more of a ramble than usual! LOL.

    willie

    Liked by 1 person

    • No need to apologize, I always enjoy your rambles.

      In my experience, there are just about as many ways to do BDSM as there are people doing it. Some of them are more playful, some of them are super intense and 100% TPE all the time. They can be limited to a single scene or a lifetime contract. I have friends who would be released if they broke the rules repeatedly. I’ve known couples who were both switches and and could negotiate who was doing what on any given day. In my experience, practitioners of BDSM are the first to acknowledge that there are different “right” ways to do it. That’s one of the things I appreciate about the lifestyle.

      Maybe I’ll do some writing on some of the broad range of types of BDSM there are, that might be fun…. Thanks, Willie!

      Like

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