I found my scale – yay!  Sadly, i don’t think i lost any weight – or maybe half a pound.  This is particularly sad because i’ve added more activity and for a while was eating less.  Sigh.  Life is just not fair.

On the other hand, my step count is good!  The week we moved, I got over 61,000 steps!  Since that’s an average of over 8,500 steps/day, and my goal was set for 7,000, my Fitbit kept telling me i was an overachiever, which made me laugh.   But i was on vacation then, and moving, so i think it will be more of a challenge to hit my 7,000 goal this week.

I’m not doing terribly with food, and my daily levels aren’t bad, but i don’t feel great about my relationship with food either.  I am still in that “food as reward” mind set so when i don’t get my daily quota of treat foods, i feel deprived and have to make up for it later.  This is not a sustainable model.  I’m at a point in my life that dieting is not the answer.  I need to permanently change my relationship with food.  (i know, i keep saying that and not doing it.)

I found this on FB today – it expresses the change i want to make.*

It’s not the first time i’ve become aware that this is the change i need.  So if i’m even halfway serious about it, i need to start to practice it.  Sigh.  More mindful eating,   Not casting care to the winds and cramming that one treat in.  Savoring. Enjoying.  Contemplating my choices.

Right now, sitting here at 730 a.m., it seems easy.  Very zen – and i can feel my spirit affirming the desire to do this.  i know how to eat mindfully and i know how much more satisfying it is than eating mindlessly.  Right now, i could easily do it.

But by dinner time?  No.  Then i feel this semi-frenzied sense of being  perched precariously on the verge of starvation.  As if i’m going to collapse right there on the spot if i don’t get just the right food and plenty of it.   Even though there is exactly no chance of that happening.

What is that?  What happens between right now and then that throws me into such a state?  And how do i quit doing it?

Ok, anyhow, i have continued to organize my stuff a little bit, but we’ve had people – electricians, plumbers, and a carpenter – working on the house all week, so there are lots of boxes that i can’t empty yet.  It will all get better once our closet gets built.  Or i won’t have a good excuse for it  not getting better… how ever that works.

i did tell MP that i was going to a munch one of these days.  We were in the car, on the way home from dinner.  He said, “Oh, I didn’t know they had those here.”

I looked at him, a bit surprised – why would he think they didn’t?  But i just said, “Yeah, they do.  Wow, look at that sunset.”

And that was that.

When it’s time for me to go, if he wants to come with me, i will say no.  If he wants to go to munches and get involved in the lifestyle, he can take the initiative and do some research himself.  He’s on Fetlife.  It’s not up to me to make arrangements for him to go.  He can’t frigging tag along with me.  No.

I felt better once i made that decision.  Now it’s up to me to follow through.

 

*If you couldn’t see the meme, here’s what it said:

Diet Mindset vs Intuitive Eating

How to flip the script and break free of diet mentality

Can I have this? vs Do I want this?

How do I look? vs How do I feel?

How much food do I get today?  vs  How much food do I need today?

Will this make me skinny?  vs  Will this nourish me?

I exercise so I can eat  vs  I eat so i can exercise

I can eat whatever I want on my cheat day vs I can eat whatever I want every day

Food is my worst enemy and my favorite reward  vs  Food is just food.