Some Big Questions Answered – from Ancilla

Ancilla ksst asked:

Are you married?  Nope.  Been married twice – once for 17 years, once for 3.  Can’t imagine ever doing that again.

Do you have a D/s relationship? I got the impression that it ended, is that right? But are you still together or single? How long did the D/s relationship last?  I did have a D/s relationship – it started about 6 years ago and lasted maybe 2 years, maybe a little bit longer.  I had a different blog then, and started this one when I had totally accepted that he and I were not going to have a D/s element to our relationship again.   We are still in a relationship – we live together and are very fond of each other, but it won’t ever be what it was or what I once thought it was going to be.

What did you like and not like about it?   I liked the feeling of being able to serve him and please him.   Even in the beginning, he wasn’t very demanding, but making sure the things I did were what he liked.  Of course, the spankings and rope and some nipple clamps and cock worship and feeling available…   

I didn’t like when he would say he was going to do things and not follow through, or when we kept going longer and longer without playing.  I didn’t like it when it seemed like he wasn’t aware of my reactions – not in a purposeful way, not like, “I’m going to do this because I want to, girl!” kind of way.  Just like – he wasn’t really enjoying it and he wasn’t paying attention to whether I was or not but just assuming I was.

I secretly think that I did something wrong that made us lose the D/s aspect of our relationship, but I don’t know what.  That somehow it was because I wasn’t good enough.  And I also know that’s probably not true, it probably wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do.  That it wasn’t because I wasn’t “worthy.”

Have you had other D/s relationships?  I have had other D/s relationships!

Have you ever thought of yourself as a slave?  I used to sometimes, yes.  I used to sometimes think I had the heart of a slave and wanted to have a Master.   That seems so far away that I can just barely even remember what it felt like.  I don’t even guess it’s true anymore.   I’m not even sure I want a whole D/s relationship anymore, maybe I just want to play.  But yeah, I have thought that before.

Thanks so much for asking!!

 

13 thoughts on “Some Big Questions Answered – from Ancilla

  1. D/s component gives to a marriage/relationship seems so alluring. Beats the Heck out of the Married To My Housemate And We Have No Sex Relationship.

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  2. i’m crushed that you have secret thoughts that this could be your fault in any way. i don’t think there is a way to reject a person emotionally and sexually without it effecting a sense of worth-it certainly has effected mine. There is a part of me that thinks you could ask him, because maybe it would be good for you to hear from him it wasn’t anything about you. ❤

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    1. Don’t be crushed – it really is just a natural response to blame ourselves when things like this happen. Yes, I can ask him, and he would totally say it’s not my fault, but I’m not sure that would mean a lot to me, you know? But I appreciate your support and your reassurance that it’s not me!! ❤

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  3. Hi Olivia,

    I enjoyed reading your answers to these questions. It is interesting how relationships and dynamics change.ttwd for us has taken several turns over the years, but we haven’t practiced for such a long time now. I agree, I doubt it was anything you did or didn’t do. Talk to him.

    Hugs
    Roz

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  4. Hi Olivia,

    ” I didn’t like when he would say he was going to do things and not follow through, or when we kept going longer and longer without playing. I didn’t like it when it seemed like he wasn’t aware of my reactions – not in a purposeful way, not like, “I’m going to do this because I want to, girl!” kind of way. Just like – he wasn’t really enjoying it and he wasn’t paying attention to whether I was or not but just assuming I was.”

    We too had gone through this phase many times in the first 3 years of our dynamic. It turns out that Barney would feel ‘satisfied’ with his dominance and coast along for a while ( having me crashing and burning). Of course being a man it took him a very long time to figure that out about himself and then voice it to me. Basically his hunger for dominance was fulfilled much easier than mine of being submissive. His dominance only had me craving to give more. Those days are behind us now, and he loves the continuation of dominance on a daily basis- but I can certainly understand what you were talking about here.

    I also can see how questioning yourself then and now concerning D/s can happen. Lord knows I have done it time and time again. I think it is easier to blame ourselves, after we have blamed them a tad, *wink*. I am not saying it makes us feel better to blame ourselves but it helps not poison the relationship and there is a bit of control in doing so.

    I hope some day you can really know how you feel about yourself and D/s. Maybe that isn’t worthwhile as you say things are good in your relationship, but maybe experience gained will help make things great in it?

    Hope I didn’t over step here.

    willie

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    1. Thanks for sharing your story,Willie, and the ways that we’ve experienced some of the same things! I’m glad that your husband found his way to offering you more dominance on a regular basis. And you’re right, blaming ourselves can give us a sense of control (If it happened because I did something wrong, then if I figure out how to do it right, I can fix it.) We see that often in people who blame themselves for whatever abuse they’ve experienced, right?

      Anything can happen. The last few conversations MP and I had about our relationship led to zero change, and he would tell you it’s due to his physical/medical issues, but yes, anything could happen. Thanks for the good wishes!!

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