When i am most miserable and hopeless, i forget that it’s ok to feel that way.  i begin to feel like i’m irreparably broken, and that this is a huge problem.  i think that it’s supposed to be different, that i’m supposed to be different, that i’m supposed to make it different.

Today i was reading this:

“We all have our reasons. Sometimes we’re fractured by the choices we make; sometimes we’re shattered by things we would never have chosen. But our brokenness is also the source of our common humanity, the basis for our shared search for comfort, meaning, and healing. Our shared vulnerability and imperfection nurtures and sustains our capacity for compassion. We have a choice. We can embrace our humanness, which means embracing our broken natures and the compassion that remains our best hope for healing. Or we can deny our brokenness, forswear compassion, and, as a result, deny our own humanity…”  

“We’ve submitted to the harsh instinct to crush those among us whose brokenness is most visible. But simply punishing the broken—walking away from them or hiding them from sight—only ensures that they remain broken and we do, too. There is no wholeness outside of our reciprocal humanity.”
― Bryan Stevenson, Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption

i know, it’s a lot of quote.  But it reminds me of the value of getting in touch with the aspect of self that lives in the shadows.  i am reminded that life isn’t about “thinking positive” all the time.  That redemption come through pain and being able to hold the tension of not resolving your feelings by running away.

That’s one of the things that i’ve valued about the BDSM community – that it’s not a straight line to contentment.  That pain has it’s own reward, so to speak.

I was looking at a discussion on fetlife.  The question was:

Are there some mundane, vanilla things you do, goals you set for yourself when not active to keep growing as a submissive, to promote self-discipline, to stay organized or to practice your service skills in hopes of perhaps serving your future Dominant better and becoming a better submissive altogether?

i was prepared to go read a bunch of enlightening responses, and was amused that the few responses there basically said, “No.”  These submissive women set goals for themselves, don’t assume they can anticipate what some future Dom might want, may not see their “service skills” as separate from their regular life skills, and generally didn’t get involved in the “i need to be better” aspect of it all.

i’m fascinated by this.  i don’t know if it’s a change in the view of submission (granted, it’s a very small sample) or if it’s an anomaly.  But interesting, and different from this kind of discussion i’ve seen a few years ago.  i was all prepared to look for new ideas on how i could be different/better/more skilled.

But i’m pretty pleased  with, “Nope,” as an answer too.

i don’t think i’m going to have a traditional D/s relationship again.  i picture me volunteering to be a demo model for classes and such, to experience the sensations i’m missing.  But i don’t think that there’s some person out there who wants the same level of physical/emotional/spiritual connection that i once hoped for.  And today, i’m ok with that.

It leaves me, not for the first time, with my favorite Mary Oliver quote:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?