I forgot. Coming here really stirs the pot of my feelings.
I’ve been fine these last few months. Fine, I say. Now i’m reading kinky blogs about spanking and getting turned on. i’m reading old blog posts and longing for days gone by. i’m beginning to write fantasies in my head. Sigh.
i’m not going to spend my time here whining about things i don’t have. No, i’m not. Really.
i’m in a new city – i could get active in the community, right? There’s actually a play party coming up soon. You have to go to orientation first. That would be two nights out of the house for me, which i’d have to explain to my partner AND to my daughter. But it’s exciting to just have the possibility, isn’t it?
AND i’ve actually lost 15 pounds since i was here last. I still have about 20 to go, and i’ve kind of stalled, but when i was here, i didn’t think i’d ever lose an ounce.
So i’ve not been thinking about kink or submission or any of that. And i’ve been pretty ok. But avoiding my feelings is probably not really great either. Sigh. So here we go.
Olivia 
Great job on the 15lbs. That is quite an achievement! So nice to see you back here daily. Really makes my day. 🙂
faithful
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much, faithful. That’s so nice to hear. 🙂
LikeLike
I’m not sure why you’d feel you needed to explain why you were going out of the house to your daughter, but that’s your dynamic and you have to do what works for you. As to your partner, yes, that’s a given. I’m thinking that going would be helpful…at the very least it would help you start to identify with what you want, and if you need to go in that direction. I’ve been on kink light myself, until lately, finding all these kinky tumblr blogs…so I can’t say that I can shut it down fully. Sometimes I wish i could, it would make my life SO much easier. But denying who I am is something I spent years doing and I don’t really want to turn the clock back to the person I was before. Kink is a part of me. It doesn’t get tweaked as often as I’d like and I have to cheat to get it tweaked…but don’t I …and don’t you…deserve some measure of self-care too? I’ve put my check in the “yes” box…at least for now.
Wishing you peace and clarity…
nilla
ps…welcome back. Your voice has been missed.
LikeLike
Hi, ‘nilla
It’s great to see you here too! Thanks for commenting.
Of course i don’t “have to” tell my daughter where i’m going. But living in the same house, making sure one of us is always there for the kids, there’s a lot of, “I have a dentist appointment,” “I’m going to the grocery,” “That free class I wanted to go to is Thursday,” “There’s a protest Saturday afternoon I want to go to,” and so on. So yes, I could say, “I won’t be here for dinner Saturday,” and leave it at that, but it will seem odd and make her curious. I also don’t know these days if telling my partner is what I want to do. I don’t really want him to come with me, which he might want to do.
So yeah, i do deserve some time and some kink, but i need to figure out how to make it happen.
i’ve missed you all. ❤
LikeLike
Besides, ‘nilla, aren’t you just sick of watching me do this same stupid dance year after year?
LikeLike
Not at all. You should come here and work through your needs and wants and desires. This is the dance we all do to some extent or other. I’m.here for you. To listen.. To ponder with you. To be supportive. That’s what friends do.
Big hug..
‘nilla
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, ‘nilla. That means a lot to me.
LikeLike
Pingback: Wellness Wednesday – 11-20 | Olivia