Monday, Monday

After all my fine talk about FFF, and wanting to get healthy, yesterday i binged on carbs and sugar and fat like there was no such thing as obesity or Diabetes, Type II.  Yep.

I ate some healthy meals – then filled in the gaps with a vanilla milkshake with 2 shots of espresso (yes, it was delicious.)  A skinny margarita.  (Mmmhmmm, naming it a “skinny margarita” was a case of marketing genius.  i felt virtuous drinking it.)  Girl scout cookies.  (Do-Si-Dos.  A wise choice because i only bought that kind -my favorite kind.   Trefoils are my second favorite, but when I eat those, I crave Do-Si-Dos, so that’s not really a good buy.)

I woke up this morning feeling the way I did when I used to smoke cigarettes and was trying to cut down.  That morning after “oh, fuck, I overdid it again” feeling.  Ugh.

I have goals about being healthy and losing weight – and some of the choices I’m making point me in the opposite direction.    A little voice in my head that, after 3 or 4 “healthy” choices, says, “Oh, screw this, throw caution to the wind, you only live once, what’s life without a little deliciousness?”

And i like healthy food!  It’s not like i don’t.  I had a seafood omelette for breakfast that was just lovely.  So why do i feel like i’m depriving myself?

If i were my own client, i would tell myself that i might want to redefine “deliciousness” with some pleasure that doesn’t involve food.  Or drink.  You know?  Just something for me to think about.

Somehow, i need to shift my perspective so  i don’t see this as depriving myself of life’s goodness but as better meeting my needs and treating myself extra well.  Or something.  I need to spend my wild splurges on something besides calories.