My Current Situation

Remember that weight loss I celebrated in September? Well. It’s gone. Yep. I am just about back to where I was before I started FFF 1.0 in early 2018. February to September was all about losing – September to now has been all about gaining it back.

Over the weekend, we had friends at the house. This was new and exciting, but that’s not what I need to talk about.

You know, where we lived before, I had known people for ages. But Where-We-Live-Now, I haven’t know any of these folks for long. So I’m meeting all these new people, and they’re at our house for the first time, and that’s ok. Now, in my living area, we have a small picture frame on the top of the bookshelf with a picture of me and another one of my sister in our youth.

So this very nice young woman, who I had only seen a couple of times before, looks at the picture and says, “Who’s this?” pointing at my pic.

So of course, I say, “It’s me.”

She looks at me. She looks at the picture. “Really?” she says.

“Um, yes, really.”

“How old were you then?’

With a shrug, “Maybe 30.”

She looks at me, looks at the picture again. “Oh, yeah, I can see it now,” and she smiles.

It’s not til later that the implications of this sink in. Y’all. People who knew me when I was young have always still recognized me. In the grocery, wherever. People I went to high school with would call out my name. But apparently my youthful picture doesn’t look enough like the “me” that I am now at a glance. Or two. She almost couldn’t believe it was me.

The next day, I weighed myself and discovered that I had gained back all my weight. Sigh.

So I went into a panic, a frenzy of self-disparaging, bitter commentary railing at my lack of self-discipline, ugliness, and generally being less than the person I want to be. To avoid despair, I conceived Plan A, which involves taking a dietary supplement that helps push your body into ketosis while still allowing 100 grams of carbs a day (or milligrams, whatever…) Someone I know sells this and has been using it herself with really amazing effects. I was pretty happy with plan, until I saw how much it would cost, and had to accept the harsh financial reality of “not this week, olivia. Or next week either.”

Plan B was just to quit eating altogether, which would have the combined benefit of making me lose weight and save money. But it’s not a sustainable plan.

For Plan C, I began thinking about root causes and how it’s not just me that has this problem. I thought about the times I’ve been able to lose weight pretty easily. That led me down another sad track – I lose weight easily when I’m engaged in a relationship that is, um, sexually engaging. Or on the verge of one. And then when I’m not… I comfort the little sexy side of myself with food instead.

Which is not to blame anyone, right? It’s my body, my life, my frigging responsibility. Sigh.

And I realized that put me right back where I was when I started this blog in March of 2016, and where I was when I decided I needed a Dom on the side. I don’t think I can do that dance again – not the looking for a new Dom dance or the getting MP to be my Dom again dance. (Although I kind of think this might be one phase of the {stupid} dance.)

Anyhow, I finally decided to try something new. Finger tapping. Well, not just tapping my fingers, Emotional Finger Tapping, which is a process. There are, of course, apps and videos on you tube. I’m doing a videos in the morning and then tapping throughout the day when I need to. So far, it seems to be helping, although in fairness, everything helps at first. Thanks to the Willpower book, which I never finished, and other work I’ve half-assed done over the years, I recognize my moments of feel inadequate – crave carbs pretty quickly and that’s when I tap.

I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about tapping here before, but if not, here’s a video that goes through an example of how to do it.

If you can’t access the video here, go to YouTube – Jessica Ortner, Tapping for Weight Loss and Body Confidence.

Anyhow, you make up your own thing to say to yourself while you do it, so that’s helpful for me. Lots of “Even though I want to fix {fill in the blank} I know I can’t and that’s ok. I don’t have to eat to feel better and i can love and accept myself the way I am.” I’m not feeling overwhelmed and fat and hopeless so much anymore, so that’s something. At least I’m back in the game…

Is It Just Me?

My daughter brought home new toothbrushes from the grocery today. Here’s a picture of them.

There are 10 bright neon, multicolored toothbrushes, clearly labeled:

Multi Action Massage

Big Deal

10 Pack

Is it just me or does that seem a bit kinky? Multi Action Massage? How many kinds of {giggle} action can you get out of a toothbrush? And what parts would you like to have massaged with that little brush? {more giggling…} We won’t even go into whether it could actually be a BIG DEAL or not. {I’m voting not.}

No, thank you very much, I may be a bit kink-deprived, ok, a lot kink-deprived, but I will pass on the toothbrush multi-action massage. {Wanders off still giggling…}

FFF 2.0 5-4 & Spring Good Times

I was on a roll. Over 10,000 steps last Saturday then I was hitting my goal every day – til Wednesday.

Wednesday, I headed to the coffee shop, walking up, earbuds in, moving with my music. Right in front of the coffee shop, trying to decide if I wanted an iced latte or chai tea, grooving to the sound of Sly and the Family Stone, I was oblivious to the dip in the pavement, caught my toe, and fell, face first, onto the pavement. Glasses, phone, earbuds flying…

I caught myself, my head just barely touching the concrete before I pulled it back up. I lay there for a second while 4 or 5 people rushed over to me. Yes, I’m old enough that seeing me fall freaks people out.

THey brought water, sympathy, the offer to call an ambulance. I sat up assuring everyone I was ok, no need for an ambulance, I would call my husband, no, I’m sure, I’m ok.

But I couldn’t walk. My ankle ballooned up quickly. So someone pulled a chair over for me, helped me into it and I texted MP, who rode to the rescue. Albeit slowly because he has mobility issues of his own, right?

And then, in the middle of the rescue efforts, he accidentally locked his keys in the vehicle. Which he’d left with the engine running. I was laughing, because really, it was just funny, but the other key was at home so I had to text my daughter, who was out, to go get the key and bring it up for us. Which she did. And all was well.

Except for my stupid ankle, which was swollen and hurt. A lot. Ice, rest, elevation, ibuprofen and arnica were my friends. And an elastic bandage after the first day. It’s much, much better now, although not 100% yet.

As for my step count – bwhahahaha, you can imagine! 1,317 on Thursday. Friday I was clearly better with a whopping 2,322. I may hit 3,000 today.

Not that I’m complaining. If I’d hit a bit harder, my head might have landed harder, I might not have been able to pull it back in time, and that would have been bad. I could have broken my ankle. All of those things would have been worse. So I’m truly not complaining about my (lack of) step count.

Also, I had people at home to fetch and carry stuff and make sure I had ibuprofen and food and everything. I’d have been screwed otherwise. So to speak.

It is making me wonder if I need to change my approach to walking. This is the 3rd or 4th time I’ve not been paying attention and have fallen. Or have fallen and realized I was not paying attention. How many times is a wake-up call?

Ok, in other news, today is the first Saturday in May and you know what that is, right? YES! Naked Gardening Day.

I’m posting this festive meme with the plump, naked red-haired woman, garlands of flowers covering her private bits, hair flowing, all smiles, dancing in the garden. No, I will not be gardening, naked or clothed. How about you?

FFF 2.0 – 4-27(Yes, it’s Saturday)

I don’t know where the day went yesterday. I had a client at 8 am and a steady flow of meetings after that, which meant i had to do a bunch of stuff before my client, which meant here i am now. Not that it matters…

My step count is back at its usual levels, averaging 5,774. The range is wider then it used to be – my high was 11,035 while my low was 2,200. But I’m a bit irritated at myself for not doing better than that. I haven’t done very well with my morning rituals either and I’m eating too much. Glucose levels aren’t bad.

I haven’t been reading the Willpower book or the one about Things You Can Only See When You Move Slowly or whatever the name of it was. I started Brene Brown’s Braving the Wilderness, which is just as lovely as her books always are.

I finally got my nails done (6 or 7 weeks since last time, which is too long.) Having just read NJ’s post about her nails and Frank, I’m feeling some kind of way about the fact that I pay somebody to do mine. Not actually guilty, but maybe a bit inadequate on the girly side? True confessions, I never succeeded at rolling my hair on cans either, and all the girls did that back in my day. But I got my first pedicure probably 20 years ago and never looked back. I used to color my own hair until I accidentally turned it goth black and I haven’t done that since either.

Anyhow, I think I’m inching my business marketing plan forward. It’s not like the week was a complete waste.

My house is kind of a mess – too much stuff just piling up around me. I tend to let that happen and then it starts driving me crazy and then I clean it up. I guess that’s as good a way to do it as any, but I have this fantasy where I don’t let it pile up in the first place. Ultimately though, that falls into the range of “things I’d like to be different, but only if it can happen without any effort on my part.”

We had a lovely weekend last week, and are going adventuring today too. MP is coming with us today, which is unusual and particularly nice. He and I have done well with going out together, just the two of us, one night a week, so that’s been pleasant and fun. Good times ahead…

FFF 2.0 – 4-19-19

It was a beach-y kind of week.

Lots of steps – I averaged 6,704, with a high of over 12,000. My low was about 2,500, but that was actually last Friday. I haven’t lost an ounce, but I exceeded my exercise goal every day except one, and my glucose levels are pretty good, even when I allow for a 40 point margin of error. (So these days, I think of a score of 125 as being somewhere between 105 and 145.)

I read a fascinating article the other day, and thought y’all might be interested in it. It’s called “I Suddenly Stopped Being Kinky and I’m Not Sure Why.” It is exactly like the article says – the story of a woman who was kinky and comfortable with it, The author, Rachel Kramer Bussel, says:

If there was kink involved, I probably tried it during my 20s and 30s. Spanking, bondage, choking, being ordered around—all of it turned me on. Dominant lovers, both male and female, indulged my submissive side and I’d return from dates happily sore, sometimes sporting multicolored bruises I’d admire with pride. I even made BDSM part of my career, editing numerous anthologies of kinky erotica.

Having established her kinky bona-fides, she goes on to talk about her current long-term relationship, which is sexual but not kinky. She says:

Losing my kinkiness feels like it happened over time, and like would have come about even if I wasn’t with D. In fact, in moments alone, I have replayed some of my dirtiest submissive fantasies, the ones that had always been a surefire way to get me aroused. They no longer get me going, even on the few occasions when I’ve fantasized about someone other than D. And I am fully convinced that if D. and I broke up today, I would not seek out a kinky partner. It’s an intimate language I no longer speak.

The article is worth reading for her speculation about why this happened. And she concludes:

Relinquishing my kinky identity feels bittersweet. I’ve learned that the missionary position gives me as much pleasure as kink used to, as does oral sex and even intense makeout sessions. These are joyful discoveries to be made in middle age. On the other hand, I’ve had to overcome feelings of shame that I’m no longer as wild (for lack of a better word) as I was during my younger years. For someone who used to need handcuffs or power play to get her revved up, that has taken some getting used to—even seven years in.

I had about a minute once when I thought the connection in my head between kink and arousal had gone away. I had divorced, spent a couple of years not dating or being sexual at all, and gotten in a relationship with a very vanilla man. He did turn me on with his vanilla ways, and for a minute I thought I was done with all the BDSM fantasy. This was before I even realized that BDSM could be a reality.

But it didn’t take long before his consistently gentle touch quit doing it for me and I was back to fantasizing. mostly from Story of O. Shrug. That’s how it went for me. Of course, my relationship with him deteriorated too. It was never unpleasant or contentious. We always got along in a – well, in a very vanilla way.

He had none of the faults of my first husband, and ultimately none of his virtues either. He was a great antidote to my crisis-ridden first marriage, but about as bland as mashed potatoes. Regular ones, not with garlic or anything. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s pretty mind-numbing.

He’s the one who cheated on me. I think our relationship bored him too. He actually preferred his woman a little more dramatically dependent. Based on what I know of his ex before me and the woman who came after, he liked to be a hero, but in a mashed potatoes kind of way. If you know what I mean.

Anyhow. That was my dabble into a vanilla existence that i thought was going to be my new sexual reality. For about a minute. Not that I always had kinky relationships before that – I didn’t. But I relied on Story of O in my mind to get me going.

Anyhow. Happy Easter, if you celebrate the holiday. We’re doing Easter baskets here and the kids are super excited. This will be their first US Easter and as my granddaughter says, earnestly, “We’ve never had Easter like this!!” Firsts are always fun. Hope you have a good one!!

FFF 2.0 – 4-12-20

So here we are, just another day in Paradise… Seriously, life is good, although I’m not riding the high of last week any more. And I’m not getting in the steps I did either.

Steps – 5,591 – 4 days of hitting my goal and 3 sad little days puts me right back in my average range. My scale has its own theme song:

My glucose levels are still ok, which is almost weird. But I’ve discovered that the tests you do at home are not all that accurate anyhow. At least, I was reading a couple of articles that said they’re considered accurate if they provide 99% of their readings within 20% of lab results. Twenty percent, y’all. That means if your actual level were 100, it could say 80 or 120 and that meter would still be accurate. And there are a bunch of meters sold that can’t pass that test three times. So yeah, theoretically my levels are fine. But for real, who knows?

But life is full of uncertainty everyday. I am still holding on to my voice and my space in the universe, so we’ll see where that takes me. Ran across this quote today and had to agree:

“We are not here to fit in, be well balanced, or provide exempla for others. We are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky, chunky selves, to the great mosaic of being. As the gods intended, we are here to become more and more ourselves.”
― James Hollis, What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life

And it’s spring, which down here, moves pretty quickly into summer, so the days are mostly sunny and more beach time is on my agenda…

FFF 2.0 – 4-5 (and more…)

Woohoo – I may be on the upswing! No, really. I took a step back from what I was doing and spent some time taking care of myself in real basic ways. I left the house every day. I worked in coffee shops instead of just sitting at my desk. I went to the park. I cooked real food and ate it with the family. I cleaned my refrigerator.

I realized that a couple of things I’ve been fooling with, that I thought were going to jump start my business, aren’t going to. And they aren’t what I really intend to do anyhow. So I need to quit piddling around thinking another organization or company is going to save me, and re-focus on what I really believe I’m called to do.

You have no idea what a scary prospect that is for me. The fear of failure is huge. And not just failure, as in “well, that didn’t work the way I’d thought it would.” No, it’s the whole, “if I don’t succeed at this then I’m worthless and nothing I’ve ever done was really any good and nothing ever will be,” negative core belief. I know that’s not rational – the belief doesn’t live in the logical part of my brain. But it’s alive and well in my feelings.

Yes, that is the exact kind of belief that I help other people work through and not believe. Yes, it is a clear case of “Healer, heal yourself.” If I were still where I used to live, I would be seeing JM, the wise and wonderful therapist I saw for a long time. But that’s not an option and I don’t know that I have the energy to start over with someone new. Oh – or the money, at the moment. So there’s that.

Anyhow. I realized (again) that it’s not about whether I succeed or not, it’s important to do what I think I can do. I have a message, a mission of sorts, and I just need to put myself out there and see what happens. If it’s pretty much all just in my head right now, I can’t actually complain that no one’s interested in it. Right?

What does that have to do with FFF 2.0? Well, all that basic self-care is reflected in my stats. Step average is a whopping 6,935! (7,000 is my current goal.) And I hit my activity goal 5 days in a row. My scale says 166 – ok, it’s not that good, but it’s not 167, and more importantly, I don’t feel so much like a fat slug anymore. Plus, it was doing those physical things that helped me get clear mentally.

Getting ready to start the weekend feeling good, planning more activity and working hard to reach my goals. AND there may be a walk on the beach in my not-too-distant future.