My Soul in a Vise Grip – and What About those Chakras?


Ok, I’ve been feeling a bit less like pond scum since I was assured that there would be no problem finding my cat a good home, so that’s helpful.  I’m discovering that now I’m just really sad.  That sense of relief I was expecting has not kicked in yet and I keep crying.  Little things are making me cry – not all of them connected directly to the cat, but to feeling a sense of loss.

My job is one of the things that’s been difficult today.  I wanted to take some time off to grieve, but wasn’t able to do that because of some projects that are coming up.  And I feel like I’m being micro-managed to the point of not being able to move.  I don’t do so well with that.  So between that and missing my cat, I feel like this:


Ok, so that’s a picture of a heart in a vice grip, not a soul.  That’s because I could not find a picture of a soul in a vise grip.   In fact, when you google images for soul, you get pictures like this:


And I’m pretty sure you couldn’t even get that into a vise grip, much less tighten the grip.

Anyhow.  My heart is probably a bit pinched too.

So then i started thinking about how out of alignment my Chakras must be about now.  And wondering which ones were really out of whack.  So I pulled up this image:


and pondered. My solar plexus – energy, vitality, desire/power – feels off.  I feel a lack of energy and a lack of power.

My heart Chakra is definitely unbalanced.  I needed to re-home my cat, for his sake and for mine.  It would have been nice if i could have done that with love and compassion – for him and for me.  Instead, i carried anger and shame.

And my throat Chakra.  Communication, creativity, and healing.  I’m not feeling a sense of creativity or healing.  I feel dry.  As if i could choke on my words, or need to moisten them with tears.  My well of creativity feels dry.  And i’m in need of healing – and not in touch with resources with in myself to make that happen.

Clearly, with those Chakras unbalanced, the Third Eye can’t possibly be balanced, and I assure you it isn’t.

Also, y’all know that i have no idea if i’m doing this Chakra thing right, but it feels right to me, and maybe it’s helpful.


Feeling better today, and beginning to feel more balanced too, thank goodness.  It occurred to me sometime after i started this yesterday that i have dismantled my life as it was and am rebuilding it slowly.  Stop and think about that for a minute.

In my 60s and I have taken my life as it was and essentially removed just about everything.  The things around me – where i lived, my house, my volunteer work, my office, my clients, friends i could see irl, and some of my identities – gone.  And i’m continuing the process.  i guess eventually i’ll be stripped down to the most essential me.

Except i’m also adding back on.  A new house, a closer connection with family, a new career path, new identities…

It is not surprising that i am a bit out of whack.  It’s not surprising that i am out of sorts more often than i used to be.  It is possible that i need to be more patient and less irritated with myself.  This morning, it seems like i might be able to do that.

This is not exactly the BDSM blog i once thought it would be either.  So there’s that.  But while there’s life, there’s hope, right?




Pondering on Day 7; The Vacation Continues

Yes, today is actually Day 10 of my vacation, with tomorrow being the very last day.  But I started this post on Day 7.  Back on Thursday, I wrote:

I did go to the beach for a walk yesterday, and then had a lovely evening with my friend, although we skipped yoga.  Maybe next time.  Instead, we ate sushi and had a beer – that’s kind of like yoga, right?

I ran across this on Facebook today:


It says that the Greeks had six words for love, and defines them.  Full disclosure – one of the first comments on the FB post was by someone with a Greek sounding name.  They said that half of this is bullshit not true.  He didn’t say exactly which half, but that’s ok. I know that Eros is accurate, and Agape love is a thing.  I know they had a word for friendship love, although I don’t know that it was Philia.  The rest of them may be imaginary – but that’s ok.  If they don’t exist – they should.

So the meme has:

Eros – which is sexual desire and passion.  Erotic love.  We are all familiar with that one, named after Eros, the son of Aphrodite, goddess of sexual love and beauty.  His father might have been Zeus, Ares, or Hermes.  Hmmmm, I didn’t learn that in my childhood book of mythology.

Philia – which it describes as deep loyalty to friends.  Good says it’s friendship and affection, so that sounds right.  But it’s also the word that denotes an “abnormal love for an object or thing” – what we often call fetishes.  Most notably pedophilia, not to be confused with podophilia, which is love of feet or  bibliophilia, love of books.  But I digress.  “Philia” is also friendship or affection for friends.

Ludos – they define as “Playful Love.”  This one, based on my initial, brief google search, was completely made up.  No such word as “ludos.” But then i saw a Psychology Today article that also talks about types of love and ludic was one.  Of course, it could still be totally made up.  Anyhow.  It’s non-committed love – flirting, dancing, sex without strings.

Agape – Love for everyone.   This one is pretty commonly known and talked about in some religious congregations – considered “God-like” love – often meaning not sexual or romantic.  I experience as that rush of love one gets sometimes when you’re with a group of people when you feel a sense of belonging and connection.

Pragma -Like pragmatic, right?  The meme says “developed over time,” Other sources say it is practical, mutually beneficial love, with low sexual intensity.  Lots of relationships like this.

Philautia– Described as “taking care of self,” but it’s actually self-love, so it can be healthy or unhealthy.  At it’s worst, it’s hubris, or excessive pride – thinking that the rules don’t apply to you, a kind of narcissistic specialness that inflates self.  Of course that’s not really “love” at all in my book, but that’s one way to look at it.

At the healthy end is self-esteem and self-care (which is not self-indulgence, but a radical act of love involving self- discipline.)

Storge (pronounced Store-gay) is a 7th type of love, found in Psychology Today, but of course it wouldn’t have fit in the meme.  This kind is familial love, particularly a parent’s love for their children, which is not unilateral but also “fondness bred out of need or familiarity.”  Which could overlap with Pragma, right?

In fact many of the types have overlap, blend or can morph into one another.  You can start with Luidic love, move into erotic, and wind up in Pragma or Storge.  You could start with pragma or agape and move through Eros.  All kinds of possibilities.  i know in my relationship with MP,  we went from Eros to some mix of Philia or Storge, with a touch of Pragma.

So what am i looking for in a Dom?  Eros?  I don’t know – that doesn’t seem quite right.  How do you describe the love a submissive has for her Dom – is it one of the above?  Is it the same as any other relationship, or is it different?

Goodreads has 65,087 quotes about love.  2,202 are tagged self-love.  Including this one:

“Dare to love yourself
as if you were a rainbow
with gold at both ends.”

― Aberjhani



Happy BDSM Valentine’s Day

For the record, Valentine’s Day is not my favorite holiday – It’s a Hallmark holiday so there’s too much pressure to “show” your love with material things and I don’t like it.  Although, in all honesty, I would probably like it more if I got roses.

But MP, even when we were in the throes of passion, was not a Dozen Roses kind of guy.  Yes, I’ve hinted, I’ve said, “Yeah, I really like cut flowers. Roses, particularly.”  But he’s not ever going to get me roses. And that’s ok.

And really Valentines Day should be about the pleasure of showing your loved one how much you love them, not about getting roses, right?  So I bought him a box of chocolates and a card.

This morning, i googled Valentine cards BDSM and get some delightful results.  Here are some of them:


So Happy Valentine’s Day to you – hoping you have a lovely day!

“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.”
~ Ursula K. Le Guin