Ok, I’ve been feeling a bit less like pond scum since I was assured that there would be no problem finding my cat a good home, so that’s helpful. I’m discovering that now I’m just really sad. That sense of relief I was expecting has not kicked in yet and I keep crying. Little things are making me cry – not all of them connected directly to the cat, but to feeling a sense of loss.
My job is one of the things that’s been difficult today. I wanted to take some time off to grieve, but wasn’t able to do that because of some projects that are coming up. And I feel like I’m being micro-managed to the point of not being able to move. I don’t do so well with that. So between that and missing my cat, I feel like this:
Ok, so that’s a picture of a heart in a vice grip, not a soul. That’s because I could not find a picture of a soul in a vise grip. In fact, when you google images for soul, you get pictures like this:
And I’m pretty sure you couldn’t even get that into a vise grip, much less tighten the grip.
Anyhow. My heart is probably a bit pinched too.
So then i started thinking about how out of alignment my Chakras must be about now. And wondering which ones were really out of whack. So I pulled up this image:
and pondered. My solar plexus – energy, vitality, desire/power – feels off. I feel a lack of energy and a lack of power.
My heart Chakra is definitely unbalanced. I needed to re-home my cat, for his sake and for mine. It would have been nice if i could have done that with love and compassion – for him and for me. Instead, i carried anger and shame.
And my throat Chakra. Communication, creativity, and healing. I’m not feeling a sense of creativity or healing. I feel dry. As if i could choke on my words, or need to moisten them with tears. My well of creativity feels dry. And i’m in need of healing – and not in touch with resources with in myself to make that happen.
Clearly, with those Chakras unbalanced, the Third Eye can’t possibly be balanced, and I assure you it isn’t.
Also, y’all know that i have no idea if i’m doing this Chakra thing right, but it feels right to me, and maybe it’s helpful.
Feeling better today, and beginning to feel more balanced too, thank goodness. It occurred to me sometime after i started this yesterday that i have dismantled my life as it was and am rebuilding it slowly. Stop and think about that for a minute.
In my 60s and I have taken my life as it was and essentially removed just about everything. The things around me – where i lived, my house, my volunteer work, my office, my clients, friends i could see irl, and some of my identities – gone. And i’m continuing the process. i guess eventually i’ll be stripped down to the most essential me.
Except i’m also adding back on. A new house, a closer connection with family, a new career path, new identities…
It is not surprising that i am a bit out of whack. It’s not surprising that i am out of sorts more often than i used to be. It is possible that i need to be more patient and less irritated with myself. This morning, it seems like i might be able to do that.
This is not exactly the BDSM blog i once thought it would be either. So there’s that. But while there’s life, there’s hope, right?