I’ve been thinking about re-finding myself (“What? Again?” you say.)

Yes, again.  There was the whole re-finding my kinky self, which is doing pretty well these days.  Now i need to re-find my work self.  And maybe my everything else self too.  And recognize that it’s just an ongoing process.  I don’t get to do it and then it’s done.

A couple of things have brought that home to me.  One is this quote:

“carrying on a conversation at dinner and texting under the table…. Continuous Partial Attention involves an artificial sense of constant crisis, of living in a 24/7, always-on world. It contributes to feeling stressed, overwhelmed, overstimulated, and unfulfilled; it compromises our ability to reflect, to make decisions, and to think creatively.”
― Sharon Salzberg, Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation

I used to pride myself on multi-tasking.  Now I just do it mindlessly.  I would like to move away from that and be better able to focus.  Because this is also true:

“The simple act of being completely attentive and present to another person is an act of love, and it fosters unshakeable well-being. It is happiness that isn’t bound to a particular situation, happiness that can withstand change.”
~~ Sharon Salzberg, Real Happiness

And being able to do that is an act of service.  It’s one I used to practice regularly with Sir, consciously turning my attention to him when he talked to me.  I’ve gotten out of that habit.

Partly, i’ve quit doing it because we both work from home.  He may pass through my “office” area, taking a break from his own work, while i’m right in the middle of something.  He would never interrupt a meeting, but if i’m writing or reading something, he often starts a conversation.  I may or may not stop what i’m doing to fully pay attention to what he’s saying.  Often, it barely slows me down – i can type, nod, and say mmmmhmmm quite easily.

In the same way, if Sir and i are talking, and i get a text message or email, i may open it and answer while still carrying on the conversation with him.  Which is going to be a fairly half-assed conversation at that point.

So one goal is to do that less.  To do it less with Sir, and less with my daughter and grandkids too.

The other goal is to plan a few days personal retreat.  I found a retreat center within 30 minutes of us that has an affordable cottage I could rent.  It’s near the river and has trails to walk and even a prayer labyrinth.  Years ago, I used to go away by myself every year for a few days, somewhere similar with nice scenery and simple living quarters.  I haven’t done that since I met Sir.  So that’s on my agenda for the not-too-distant-future.

I want to use the time to retreat into myself, but also to plan my work for the next 6 months to a year.  I want to do a visual representation of what I want – and maybe I can do that before the retreat, and then use the retreat time to build on it.  I want to eat simple food and take long walks by myself, down the paths to the river and mindfully through the prayer labyrinth.


Slowly, i am building the life i want.



FFF 8-2-18

So here we are.

Step count is better.  Averaged 6,882/day this week, so that’s a definite improvement.

Weight range the same.  I have been eating a bit too much in the evening again and need a strategy for how not to do that.  (Although really, just saying no to those ice cream urges is probably key.)

The house is inching its way to better organized.  Maybe.  Two steps forward, one back.  Which is better than one forward and two back.

Had another lovely date day last week – date night didn’t work out, so we moved to Sunday afternoon, when no one else was home and some serious spanking was in order.

Another date night tonight – looking forward to it.  Have not made my appointment to get waxed yet, but that’s coming soon.  I am totally looking forward to it.

Not much else to say from here – sorry to be so boring… Just lots of productivity and some stability, which is not all bad.

Ok, y’all this is too funny – my first version of this ended with this paragraph.

I just now noticed that this post isn’t offering  me the option to use tags and categories.  Weird.  Playing around with it a bit, but still can’t do it.  Guess it doesn’t really matter – but strange.  Anyone else having this issue?

Then I went ahead and published it.

Then I realized I’d made a new page, not a new post.  Ooops…  Copy and paste and delete – and ta-dum, here ya go.   Ha.  You just never know the multitude of mistakes you can make til ya make ’em.  Glad I solved the Mystery of the Disappearing Tags.  Hope your day is at least that satisfying.

FFF – 7-27

29,000.  Y’all.  That’s my sad little step count for the week.  Sigh.  I’ve been in class 8 hours/day, from 11-7, and am just worn out.   Some days, I got 2,500 steps and just din’t care.  Today is the last day of class, thank goodness, and we end at 4.

My  neck is f’ed up from looking down at my laptop for too many hours – that actually started last week, and i’ve been trying to adjust for it this week, with a little bit of success.   But there’s still significant discomfort   I’ve ordered some tools that may help – a separate keyboard and a stand to raise the level of my screen, but they won’t be here til Tuesday.  Also yoga blocks so I can raise my chair and still touch the floor.

I had my first appointment with my new doctor and LOVED her.  I would possibly even take statins if she wants me to.  Possibly.  Ok, probably not really.  Did you know they can cause weight gain and an increased risk of diabetes?  Does it make any sense to you that I need to lose weight and to put me on a med that may make me gain weight?  I didn’t think so.

Ok, I just looked at an article on statins and it says that weight gain happens becuase people think being on the med means they can eat anything.  That won’t happen for me.  But how do they know that’s why it happens?  Hmmm…

The the article talks about statins causing muscle pain and weakness.  And adds this:

Muscle pain associated with statins is most often not serious and typically can be resolved by switching to a lower dose, or different statin drug. If you’re taking a statin and notice muscle pain, tenderness or weakness, dark or brown-colored urine, or unexplained tiredness, it’s important to call your doctor right away as that could be a sign of a fortunately rare, but deadly, side effect.

Y’all.  I get all kinds of muscle pains and tenderness that I don’t pay any attention to.  I will probably have that side effect and not even think about it and die.   So ok, no statins.

But I love my doctor, so that’s super cool!!!  AND (did I already tell you this?) she removes skin tags.  She does.  If you don’t have skin tags, you may be unimpressed.  But if you do, you’ll understand how thrilled i am.

Weight range is the same.  I’m getting a bit of organizing done in my office, which is pretty thrilling.  And I have many of my picture hung, finally.

Date night was lovely last week.  He didn’t have anything planned, but ended up taking me to a little restaurant at the beach, where we had a delightful meal.  Then we walked out on the pier and watched the night fishers and those wild and crazy folks who will get in the ocean at night.  It was just nice.

Then we went home, where i was appropriately spanked and played with.  Lot of pleasure all around.  I even got to indulge in a little cock worship, which was lovely.






What will you do today?


Sleep, exercise, fresh air, meditation, boundaries, social media detox, mani-pedi, facial, quiet time, flowers, journaling, therapy, asking for help, listening to a podcast, chiropractor, a cup of tea, a nap, walking, reading, getting a haircut, going to a doctor, painting, taking a bath, seeing a friend, using a babysitter, hiring help, buying a treat, going out to eat, massage, acupuncture

What would you add to the list?


TBT on M for CWS

Don’t you love acronyms?  FYI, that’s Throw Back Thursday on Monday for Cock Worshiping Subs.  This post is from a blog i used to have, long ago in a different lifetime.  “Sir” was First Sir, the first Dom I called Sir.

I’m curious to see how this post from 2010 lands with those of you that didn’t know me then.  This is more sexually explicit than most of what i write these days, but it flows so nicely with the whole CWS concept.  Anyhow.  With no further ado, I present:

Cock Worship

i am kneeling.  Of course.  He is sitting in front of me, his cock in his hand. I rock back on my heels, tilt my head, eyebrows raised, smile slightly.  “May i?” i ask hopefully.  “Please?”

“No.” He says.  “Not yet.”

A shiver goes through me, my pussy clenches.  Why does being denied turn me on?  i lower my eyes demurely, watching the cock still in his hand.  

He strokes it a little.  I nibble on my lower lip.  Waiting.  Anticipation making me wetter.

What is it about a cock that’s so fascinating?  So desirable?  So hot? 

An analyst I know, I’ll call him JM,  might say it’s cock envy.   He insists that on some level men envy women for our power to carry life, to give birth.  And that women envy men for their cocks.  I struggle to figure out what that means exactly. 

I know I don’t want to be a man.  I can’t think of a lot of things men can do that I can’t do.  You know, write their name in the snow.  I’m not tempted by that.   I don’t think I want my own cock.

I don’t think I want my own cock

Or do i?  Maybe not to keep.  

i kneel before Him, still waiting for permission.  i want to put my mouth over His cock, breathing on it, warming it with my breath.  Close my mouth over it, wet and warm, licking the head til it’s wet.

i want to hold His cock at the base, holding it still while i lick the head with the flat of my tongue, as if it were an ice cream cone.  Licking all around as if it would melt otherwise.

Then with the tip of my tongue, running it around the rim,  just under the rim.  Pausing to attend to the opening, licking gently, delicately.  Caressing with my tongue that ridge where the vein runs, pulsing so fiercely i can see it throb.

Licking my way from the base up that vein, pressing just hard enough that a drop of precum emerges – and is licked away again.  Ahhhh.

i’ve always liked sucking cock – obviously, not just anyone’s cock.  You know, in the context of relationship.  i always thought it was a powerful act of love. 

i understand there are women who don’t feel that way, who truly don’t like to do it.  And even for me, in an unhappy relationship, it can lose its charm and become a chore rather than a delight. 

i understand there are women who think it’s humiliating, who see it as subservient and a powerless stance  for a woman to kneel at her man’s feet and serve his cock.   Maybe i wouldn’t like it either if i saw it that way.   i think they think it puts the man in a position of superiority, makes them inferior.  

And i guess if i talk about cock worship, and you think that means worshiping the man attached to the cock -well, that would be a whole different thing, wouldn’t it?  Because really, it’s not so much about Him.

This is Min, an Egyptian god. As you can see, He’s not the sexless god associated with Christianity.

i discovered a wonderful web site about cock worship,  for real, not just in a BDSM sense.  Here’s the link:

Here’s another picture of Min:

The article comment on this picture:

Min was an ancient Egyptian god of fertility. In Egyptian art and statues, Min is always shown holding his cock with his left hand and a threshing flail in his raised right hand. A flail, in case you’re wondering, is a kind of whip used to separate grain, or judging from the erection, to beat the shit out of some particularly adventurous woman who’s been naughty and needs to be punished. ”

Isn’t that great?

i am still kneeling, still waiting.  He is stroking Himself, torturing me by denying me access to His cock. 

i feel sorry for women who don’t know the power of pleasuring His cock.  When my mouth closes on Him, His cock becomes mine, for the moment.  Mmmhmmm.  Really.  i own it.  Believe me.  He gives it to me.

That may have been a secret, maybe i wasn’t supposed to tell You that.   Maybe that will make it too scary.

JM, the analyst, says that men are afraid of women, afraid of “going in.”  

“We got out once,” he says, meaning in birth, “Will we get out again?”

i smiled when he said it, but i can see that it may be true, in that Jungian, archetypal way.

i am rocked back on my heels, kneeling, waiting.  Not inferior, not humbled.  More like a priestess.


When He allows me to, i’ll make his cock slippery wet, slide my mouth up and down til He is lost in pleasure.  i guess it could be scary.  (Wicked smile.)

But the Dominant man knows ways to keep control.    He makes me ask permission.  He tells me what to do.   He grasps my hair, right there at the base of my neck, and He decides how deep or shallow i can go.

He may push me down hard, so all my focus is on relaxing the back of my throat as he presses against it.  He may, at any second, say, “Remove,” and i will have to stop.  Sadly, reluctantly, but obediently..

It is part of the beauty of submission.  Together, He and i work to serve the Cock in a way that is pleasing to – Him.  The phallic power.


Phallic power is something to be worshiped.  A force to be reckoned with. 

i can see why a man would feel better with a submissive woman at His feet.   i can see why a man would want to give detailed instructions.  It increases my respect for male subs, who have the courage to hand themselves over to a domme – how scary!  Although, i guess it’s another way to be safe.

Hover, breathe through my mouth, close, lick, go down slowly, one half inch at a time, bury it, then back up, slowly and methodically, and remove.

Those were Sir’s instructions.  i think it takes two to cock worship correctly, and i appreciate the guidance.  

But i don’t do too badly on my own initiative either.  

His cock is wet and slippery, my mouth moving quickly, rhythmically, up and down, making him wetter, harder.  It hits the back of my throat hard. Every 3rd or 4th time, i gag a little.  When it gets to be too much, i go a little more shallow, licking, swirling my tongue around.  i can feel the vein throbbing, if i put my finger on the base of his cock, i can tell he’s getting close.   

And we can wait, we can make it last a long time.  Until it cries out for completion, until He’s ready, His cock is ready, and at last He releases –  over the top Himself, much to my satisfaction.   Cum shooting forth,  fertility expressed, The Cock is pleased.

That’s what cock worship is about.  For me. 

What does it mean to you?


FFF – 7-20-18

Here we are back to another week of FFF – where does the time go?

Steps – I’ve averaged 6,071 over the last 7 days, so that’s not terrible.  I’ve noticed a pattern of doing really well on the weekends, pretty well on Mondays and Tuesdays and then going downhill over the rest of the week.  I’d like to even that out, but maybe it’s more practical to increase what i’m doing on weekends and early in the week.  Who knows…

My weeks pass in a semi-blur of work, (both jobs) grandkids, the house and pool, Sir, Facebook, sunrise at the beach, and spending time with my daughter or the couple of people i know here.  Not necessarily in that order, but maybe mostly in that order.  Oh, and my classes.  i’m taking off work to go to class 8 hours/day next week – on-line, so everything else will still be here.

I’m grateful that i can take the time off to do it, and a bit sad that it’s not going to be an actual vacation.  The last time off i took was to move.  Also not exactly a vacation.   Although i did take some time to enjoy, so i don’t need to complain.

Weight is in the same range as last week, which is fine.  I’m feeling better about how i look and feel, so even though i want to lose more weight, it’s ok to do it more slowly.  i have my appointment with my new doctor on Wednesday, and plan to talk about goals, both for exercise and such and nutrition.

I’ve been pondering submission, of course, and the submissive heart.   i think that our dynamic – mine and Sir’s – is complicated by his physical issues.  Well, i mean, of course it is in obvious ways.  But also in terms of service.  And then there’s just his own idiosyncrasies.  He is not an easy Dom to serve.

He is a selective eater, and has no interest in me cooking for him.  In the very early stages of our relationship, this was not evident, but since then it’s become very evident.  The most i can do is encourage him to eat what he wants when he feels like it.

He has zero interest in and not much awareness of whether the house is clean or neat or not.   It’s literally just not something he pays attention to.  i’m a bit that way myself – if i’m not careful, we can start looking like hoarders.  I have someone come in to clean every other week, which means we have to straighten up enough for her to clean, and that keeps things from getting out of hand.  Also, the mess begins to bother me and I know i feel better when it’s organized and neater.  Sir does not care.  He is pretty completely unconcerned about whether i’ve done the appropriate chores or not.

I know he has to make an effort to notice when i get my hair cut or my nails done – even though i make the announcement right before i go.  And for sure, I’m 100 times more judgemental about my weight than he is.

You might think that i can serve him by fetching and carrying things, since he has limited mobility and walking and carrying things can be a challenge.  So I can do those kinds of things – get his food at a buffet, carry his coffee to the table, and so on.  But – for both of us, it begins to feel like “care-giving” – as if i’m doing those things because he’s not able to.  Since his goal now is more independence, we’ve agreed that i won’t do those things unless he asks for help.

It’s interesting, isn’t it?  How do i serve him?  What does that look like?

In other news, which is exciting probably only to me, i’ve decided to start participating in some of the TBT fun with posts from my original blog.  I’ve realized that the reasons that led me to distance myself from it are no longer applicable.   This makes me feel more connected with my past and my self from a different life.  Fondles efforts to renew interest in CWS (cock-worshiping subs) is what inspired me.  In fact, i might have to post my old post about that before Thursday.

Anyhow.  Happy FFF to you.  Good times ahead.





My Submissive Heart

This post, by Nora Jean at Living a Loving Life reminded me of an aspect of submission that I hadn’t been thinking about lately.  She said:

“As a result I am trying very hard to approach our new dynamic with what I am calling my ‘submissive heart’, looking for opportunities to demonstrate my submissiveness to and for Frank.”

Those words made me realize that i have not been in touch with my own submissive heart – that it’s at least half-way covered with a self-protective layer of shell.   It seemed to be necessary at one time, and I won’t second-guess myself from here.  Maybe it is still needed.

I’ve gotten a glimpse of it lately – felt it for a moment – that opening/giving/offering part of myself.

I won’t force it.

I might have thought at one time that i needed to figure out how to speed the process, how to push myself into it.  Or, in the time before that, it would have happened totally spontaneously, without thought or caution.  One minute feeling the belt, the next minute feeling all desire to please and serve.

Now, i choose to trust myself. i am glad that NJ reminded me of that feeling – that softened openness – and i’m pretty sure i’ll feel that again.  But today, i chose to honor my own wisdom to know when and how it will happen.

Interesting that when i google “the submissive heart,” it’s all articles about submitting to God that pop up.  But when i shift to images – it’s all BDSM.   Some lovely memes.  (Ok, one was a God meme.  But still…)



A submissive is a strong, independent, talented, capable woman in her own right, yet, she hungers to please and serve her Dominant.

When she finds the right Dominant, the submissive will wear his mark on her heart and soul.  Just as she will forever be a part of His heart and soul – marked in His own way by the submissive He owns.