Anticipation.

My body feels different. Or I feel different about my body. So aware of my movements, aware of the belt next to my skin.

I rub my hands on my thighs. Even clothed, the sensations move down my leg as I stroke, warming the palm of my hand as it caresses. Moving my fingers in small circles on my knees, and the ripples of feeling… All pulling me into the moment, this moment, a sensual mindfulness activity.

I worry about some little things. Will my space heater get the bedroom warm enough? Will the light be too bright, too harsh? What if I forget something? What if, what if, what if?

Sir tells me he doesn’t want me to fret about the small things.

But I’m so good at it! And really, isn’t it up to me to make sure everything goes smoothly? I don’t even really think about it; I know that’s my responsibility. Of course I’m going to worry.

But then I hear those words in his voice, “I don’t want you to fret about the small things,” he says. And suddenly there is a bit of power behind those words. It’s not a command. Not exactly. But if he doesn’t want me to – well, maybe I should think about not doing it.

“Maybe I should just do that. Like he said, just not worry about all the small things.”

I feel something open inside me.

I don’t question, ‘what if he’s wrong?’ Or resist, “I can’t do that.” I just open to letting the possibility be there.

And I realize, “Yes. I can do that.”

I know it’s a process – I can’t just decide to let go of worrying about small things and never do it again. (🤣🤣 Although it would sure be nice if I could.)

But he has a plan and I have a packing list. I don’t have to think about all the contingencies, I just have to pack the items on my list. He’s got this.

I can move through the next couple of days taking care of the things that are mine to take care of, leaving the rest in his hands.

I can enjoy how responsive my body is, knowing that responsiveness will build between now and Thursday. Smiling at how often I think, ‘oh, I’ll take care of myself tonight – oh, wait, no, I’m not allowed to do that. Not yet.”

29 hours to go…