In Real Life

/ olivia

{Note: this is probably not interesting to anyone except me… Feel free to skip. The next installment of Delilah’s Adventures with Master Graham are coming soon.}

In real life, I’ve been sick – was sick for a couple of weeks with some kind of stomach flu. It’s taken me a long time to recover, and it’s one of those events that was an AFOG (Another Frigging Opportunity for Growth.)

Lessons to be absorbed and taken to heart:

  1. It’s an opportunity for a healthy eating reset. I’ve had practically no sugar, no caffeine, no rich food or spicy food, and no dairy for almost 3 weeks. Basically, just very bland food. Now I have the chance to start from scratch and decide what I want to add back into my menu.
  2. Also, I lost 10 pounds, This is not the right way to do it… but it still is a not-all-bad thing.
  3. I realized how deeply attached I am to being productive and how difficult it is for me to sit with uncertainty in a way that looks like mindfulness or acceptance. I need to do better with this.

Then last night, I was really thrown off track. Up until then, I had been sleeping pretty well – easy to do when just about everything felt exhausting. But last night, while MP was in line for some fast food, he saw many police calls swarming the mall. There had been a shooting. This is the mall we go to if we’re going to a mall. The mall with Barnes and Noble that I like to visit, the mall I take my grandkids to.

Turned out not to be a random shooting (I guess that’s better?). It was between “two groups of people” who had an argument and decided to shoot it out. No fatalities, but people got shot, and injured in other ways that they’re not talking about. (Running? Heart attack? Who knows?)

I was freaked out and numb at the same time.

Then I spent way too long doom scrolling on FB, reading up on all the things happening in the country that break my heart. Not for the first, or the last time, I’m reminded of the quote by the poet Warsan Shire., 

"Later that night, 
I held an atlas in my lap, 
ran my fingers across the whole world, 
and whispered, 'Where does it hurt?' 
It answered, 'Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.'"

And then I went to bed. Where I laid wide awake until about 2:30 this morning.

Oh, I got up a few times, had some tea, sat in my rocking chair. Nothing helped. And it wasn’t even that I was thinking about the things I’d read or the shooting at the mall. But neither my mind nor my body was going to let me sleep.

I did, of course, finally fall asleep, and got a solid four and a half hours. Now, it’s 7:30 p.m. and I’m more than ready to go to sleep – which is coming soon. But it was another reminder that the tools I used to use – body scans, meditation, relaxation – are not working. Because I haven’t been practicing them.

I post about these things because it’s my best shot at accountability. If I say it here – that I’m going to make these changes – I have a much better chance of following through.

So here we go. Healthy eating and more mindfulness coming next. Wish me luck…

Photo by Behnam khoramshahi on Pexels.com

14 thoughts on “In Real Life”

  1. I’m so sorry that you haven’t been feeling well, Olivia, and that you’re now having to cope with the added existential stress of the mall shooting. 🥺 I’m wishing you well and am sending comforting thoughts your way!!!

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  6. As I read your post, my dear friend, I am reminded of my own struggle with focusing on my practice (meditation, journaling, activities that bring me joy) during the times when I need it the most. Let’s both try to be better with this and lean into our practice during difficult times, rather than allowing this to go by the wayside. I am grateful that you are on the mend and I’ll be curious to see what you do around your health journey. Getting sugar out of one’s diet is so difficult! If you have already achieved this, personally, I would hang on to that win. And I am very sorry to hear about the tragic event at your local mall. It must feel very unsettling to have something so violent happen in a place where you have positive associations and are so familiar. I am grateful for these posts, olivia. While I love connecting with your kinky side… I love knowing YOU ❤ XOXO

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    • Yes! It is just when we need the practice the most that it’s easiest to drift away from it! As for the sugar – yes, I think you’re right. Although I’m enjoying natural sugar, like fruit, I’m not going back to the added sugar levels I used to have. And you really get it about the mall – a place that had seemed fun and relatively safe (not that anywhere is) is suddenly not. I’m glad you enjoy these real life posts – and I’m so glad that we’re friends. 💜

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      • I think my favorite blogs on WordPress are those who share mixed content…a blend of their spanking fiction (and your fiction is definitely my favorite), their real life experiences around kink, and those who simply share their real lives. And as you know… I LOVE your blog, olivia. I am glad we are friends too. Your presence in my life helps to fill my cup ❤️

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