Not Too Hot, Not Too Cold…

/ olivia

Tea with Ms. Constance was always a treat, and Delilah thought that today was no exception. Ms. Constance had a larger-than-life personality that fascinated Delilah, and she could listen to the older woman telling stories for hours. But they didn’t have hours today, just a short visit over tea, a good opportunity to get her advice.

“Yes,” Ms, Constance said, “If you want a little bit different view, Master Graham would be an excellent person to talk to. I highly recommend you reach out to him. In fact, if you like, I can message him myself and make the introduction. That might be best actually.’

Delilah beamed, this could not have gone better. “Thank you so much, Ms. Constance,” she said. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.”

Ms. Constance nodded, “Of course you’re welcome, Delilah, I’m glad to help. I always enjoy our chats and I’m sure Master Graham will find it interesting to talk with you as well. It’s been lovely today, I do like this new tea you brought over. Honey Lavender you said? It is just the right touch of lavender. Thank you.”

“It was my pleasure – and again, thank you! I’m sure Master Graham will be super helpful.” Delilah lingered over the tea for a few minutes longer, and then left, content knowing she would have someone new to interview for her book.

**************

Ms. Constance, still savoring her tea, smiled. Delilah was such a – well a delightful person, really. Master Graham would be quite an experience for her.

***************

A week went by before anythig else happened, and Delilah had begun to think that Ms. Constance might have forgotten about the introduction. But she didn’t think it would be a good idea to nudge her, not yet. So she waited. Finally, she saw the notification come in on her computer – an email from Constance, addressed to her and to “MGraham@gmail” . She smiled, clicking to open the message.

Carefully, Delilah crafted her response, carefully thanking Ms. Constance for the introduction and inviting Master Graham to schedule time to share his wisdom on being a Dominant for her research on a book exploring BDSM as a healing tool for trauma. After a frustrating 45 minutes trying to hit the right tone, she decided it was a good as it was going to get, and hit SEND.

*********

This snippet is from 2022 – intriguing, isn’t it? I want to read the rest myself. Unfortunately, this is where this draft ends. My fascination with BDSM as a tool for healing trauma, however, never ends. That idea was really an outlier when I first got involved in the community over 15 years ago – but we were also just starting to understand trauma as being more than something that happens to soldiers in wartime back then.

Today, if you google BDSM and healing trauma, all kinds of material pops up. Which is great. I haven’t reviewed the material though, so I don’t have a judgment about whether it’s accurate or helpful. But I love seeing it talked about. Maybe I’ll read some of the work being done and reflect on it here… or maybe I should work on my Sofia and Lucas story, since they’re headed in that direction anyhow.

Or maybe I already have enough on my plate and I should wait and see if this work unfolds organically for me. Or maybe I need to find a real life version of my fantasized Dominant life coach to help create structure and self-discipline in my life so I can make real progress on it. Or maybe… I don’t know.

Yes, I’m inviting opinions and words of wisdom here… This is one of two or three areas where I feel like I have things to say and I’m not saying them. Where I feel like I’m called to do something beyond what I do now, and I play free cell or read urban fantasy instead.

It’s NOT an intense, make me miserable, feel like a failure feeling, thank goodness. It’s more like an itch or a nudge. I start to move toward it and then – I stall. I just don’t go forward.

Give me your opinions, words of wisdom… Maybe skip the advice, I’m not so good at doing what I’m told – well, not outside of a D/s relationship, right? But share your own experience, give me your thoughts. Or even give advice, as long as you don’t expect me to follow it. You know how I am about carving out my own path.

“All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. … Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn’t. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.”
― Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowled

28 thoughts on “Not Too Hot, Not Too Cold…”

  3. I hear so much energy in what you wrote, my friend… like there is something stirring inside you, even if it’s not fully formed yet. It feels like your inner wisdom whispering, ready to get something going. I totally get needing a little structure, a little guidance. I wish I could rub the lamp and generate a genie to grant a wish of a dominant life coach for you (one who generates action through motivating words AND a wooden paddle). I will be glad to see how this all unfolds for you, in your way, and at your pace ❤️

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    • Thanks for the encouraging words, nora! It does feel that way – and I wish you had a genie lamp too! That’s ok, sigh, I guess things really do happen in their own way and time for me. For everyone probably. Sigh… let the unfolding begin!! 💜

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  4. I think we’re all aligned here in the comments on the structure and the guidance piece…and understanding how valuable this can be (I love nora’s call-out for motivating words AND a paddle!).

    From my own experience (as requested!), I found myself in a similar limbo about seven years ago – lots of fits and starts but with no true forward motion. I had moments of clarity and inspiration, but they quickly waned, leaving me more unsure of the way forward. The feelings of failure crept in (I’m glad you’re not feeling this way!) and made it more and more difficult to get started again. Mr. Elise doesn’t weigh in on my writing career (aside from being a big supporter/fan), so I was untethered and floundering. To make a long story short, I lost seven years and barely wrote a few thousand words during this time.

    For what it’s worth, I wish I would’ve had the courage to reach out – as you have – to seek ideas, suggestions, and advice on how to move forward. Perhaps I wouldn’t have stalled out as I did. So, whether it’s a Dominant life coach (which sounds positively delectable, by the way!) or some other motivation – intrinsic or extrinsic – I encourage you to identify the solution that will bring you the balance that you seek. In other words, not too hot, not too cold… 😉 And perhaps don’t wait quite as long as I did to figure it out. 💗

    I hope this helps a bit and doesn’t come off as advice! Big hugs coming your way, Olivia! 🤗

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    • Thanks so much for sharing this, Jaye! It doesn’t come off as advice at all and it is really helpful. I’m so glad you found your way out of that period of floundering!

      I googled Dominant life coach, just to see what would happen, and AI suggested Tony Robbins is a good example of that. 🙄. Maybe I’m using the wrong search terms… Seriousluy though, maybe I do need some kind of project manager – with or without spanking.

      Hmmmm… lots ot think about here. 💜

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  5. MG looked at the email with more interest than he might have done had Ms. Constance not made the introduction. Had she seen something more than a writer in the girl? As he settled down to compose a reply granting her an interview, he couldn’t help but wonder what in her background had drawn her to write on the subject – and what she might choose to do in the name of research.
    ———
    I would love you to continue the story. Whether or not the above tickles a creative neuron I’m quite sure you’ll craft the tale better than I would.

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  6. my experience, BDSM did not cure my trauma, it did however cultivate a level of trust that then translated to the same level of trust – in myself. something i thought i had but then realized i could believe in ‘me’ so much more. that’s when the healing began, a huge weight lifted and then we began to ‘play’ with things that would of been a hard NO before. not sure if it’s helpful, but it’s my experience *smiles*
    there is much more to it of course, but the rest of my story is rather off topic 🙂

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    • Thanks for sharing this, my friend. That is exactly the kind of story that makes me curious and interested to learn more. BDSM definitely doesn’t cure trauma, but I think it does play a role – or it can. It can also create trauma, so there’s that…. 💜

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      • oh i absolutely agree! my mindset at the beginning turned to more of a self harm feel than to a ‘getting my needs met’ one. it wasn’t that the actions were much different, it was my energy in it that was wrong. a few clear eyed moments made me realize what i was doing and so we stopped. i had to realign my thoughts and feelings on BDSM before starting again.

        a read a few horror stories and had a friend share some of her experiences with me as well. i started to see that my mind was leading me down a path that sounded very much like the victims that had been abused in those relationships. talk about a rude awakening!! i stopped self harming in the traditional ways and started using BDSM to do it instead.

        it’s a very long story but let’s just say that i do a full check in with myself before we engage in any sort of play now. yes, it is still great for stress relief, among other things, but if it’s not in the right tone in my head and heart, we wait.

        mine was all self imposed but yes, i have read and shared with others as i mentioned. to me, it needs to feel uplifting and lighter, if it doesn’t than for me, it’s wrong.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s really cool- that you were able to make that shift and change your path.

        I can totally see how that could happen. Substituting BDSM for the wrong reasons. It’s pretty amazing that you were able to make the changes so that you changed your mindset. This is my favorite line in your story: I
        stopped self harming in the traditional ways and started using BDSM to do it instead.

        I love that you’re still checking in with yourself before you play. And monitoring what you do. “Uplifting and lighter.” That’s perfect.

        Thanks so much for sharing this here. 💜

        Liked by 1 person

  7. The post and the discussion both left me with a few thoughts and feelings, but still hard to share stuff right now because…

    weirdly enough, I have been engaging with things quite a bit lately, but have been feeling quite scared at the same time. I remember a time, a few years ago now, where so many things (practical, emotional, spiritual…) hit me at the same time, I was overwhelmed and weepy and terrified for quite a while.

    This isn’t a full-on return to that time, but it has been quite… unsettling.

    But when I do write about those things, the urge is often to write them in Jo’s voice. In fact some non-Jo pieces lately have felt very much like Jo writing them through me.

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    • I’m sorry you’re having a hard time sharing, Woodsy, or feeling uncomfortable/scared when you do. And you know, you’re perfectly welcome to comment in Jo’s voice here if you like. This is a “Welcome just the way you are,” kind of space.

      Thanks for commenting this!

      💜

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