I just read a post by Jon Grey, who goes by Master Grey, that really resonated with me. So much of what he wrote abut D/s relationships connects with how I see them. His post is called “Shut Up and Dance: The Journey vs The Destination.” This is one of several posts he’s done lately that really speak to me. Speaking to a perspective for Doms to remember, he says
“Give back to her, let her have some room, she will still move the heaven and earth for you, but she will do more of it more willingly if she feels heard, appreciated, shown that her Dom/Sir really does know her worth.“
Of course, I love hearing that because I know it’s true. But he continues with this:
“It will make the times that require her to take extra lashes or harder punishments because he has his needs for whatever reasons much easier for her to do. She’ll love doing it for him instead of feeling required or expected to do it.”
And I thought, it’s almost like submission is a love language. Which would suggest that Dominance is also a love language. (If you’re not familiar with love languages, here’s an article.)
Not an earth-shaking insight, but one I like playing with.
The container for D/s is love. Right? Maybe not always, maybe not for everyone, but at least for me. I want to submit, but I want to do it in the context of some kind of love – my love, care, and submission for him, but also his caring, and some kind of love, for me.
I think that, like vanilla relationships, kinky people also have more than one love language. Maybe an essential difference between kinky people and our vanilla friends is the D/s love language (or whatever kinky love language you might speak) is always in the mix.
I have a bunch of other thoughts about this that are only half formed and not ready for sharing. Not about love languages necessarily but relationships. My dear friend, Nora, posted “Surrender or Sacrifice” on her blog today, which was a beautiful description of what it’s like for a submissive to miss the connection with their Sir.
Lots of thoughts and not a good wrap-it-up ending to this post. Lol, like my life, no resolution. I find myself learning all the damn time and having to rewrite my story. I guess that’s not bad. A good friend asked me recently if I’d found balance in my life yet, and I laughed. Yes, I have – and then I lost it – and found it again – and lost it – and… well you get the picture.
So I’ll end with this quote:
“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.” ― Madeleine L’Engle
“To be alive is to be vulnerable.” There is such simple beauty in this message, olivia – thank you for sharing! 💗
At the intersection of love languages and kink, I believe this vulnerability you reference is the key to developing trust in each other and crafting the dynamic you’re seeking. It would be easy to assume that the submissive would inherently be the vulnerable one, but absolutely not! Dominants, as we are so often reminded, are human…despite some of their occasional feral attributes. 😉 ALL parties in the relationship must be open and vulnerable in order to forge this path forward. And this level of trust and honesty can be hard to come by…but it’s worth pursuing in the quest for balance. 🙂
Vulnerability and developing trust definitely go together – although, like nijntje said, sometimes D/s helps us discover that we can trust and be vulnerable and still be safe.
Yeah, I know that Doms are vulnerable. Even though they may sometimes think they being a Dom means not being vulnerable.
I think the dance of submission (although I didn’t tie my post to my title very well,) but I think that learning each other’s rhythms and moving in synch and all that is in finding our way into trust and vulnerability.
Sometimes, people may both feel so vulnerable, and maybe even afraid, that it disrupts the connection. Sigh. Repairing the connection is a whole challenge in itself, if it can even be done.
i say to that, when in doubt, trust your gut. even if it’s not the answer you want to hear. for me at least, it’s almost always been right. sad sometimes, but right. not sure if that helps but seems i’m on a writing roll! lol
That’s pretty good advice, Nijntje. I will keep that in mind. 💜. But sometimes, I think it’s my gut when it’s just fear – which, you gotta listen to that, I’m not saying ignore it. But it’s not always accurate…. It’s been good to hear from you. Thanks.
funny enough, when i was a child i felt no vulnerability, at least not mentally or emotionally. smaller and less strong physically sure, but i always relied on my wit and my cunning to get me through. i had no choice.
D/s made me vulnerable because of letting go of all the planning and giving over 100% trust. perhaps most kids have 100% trust to begin with and the learning that we actually can’t trust everyone is what makes them vulnerable. i believe some of us work the opposite. we don’t trust, so there in lies the vulnerability, learning to trust. abusive relationships do that to you though, don’t they?
Yes! That’s such a good reminder of how we have different experiences and it impacts us differently. I admit, I thought I was pretty invulnerable as a child too. Although, I did think that when I was grown up, I would be able to do all the things and wouldn’t have to worry because I would have some control.
Oh, so much to think about here. Yes, I get what you mean about D/s making you vulnerable. It lets us be open to feeling our vulnerability. And that is a gift when you’ve spent a lot of times shut down away from those feelings. Or when you’ve always felt that you had to be in control.
Abusive relationships – trauma in general – disrupts our relationships with others, with nature, and with ourselves. It might sound funny to people who haven’t experienced it, but submission in D/s definitely can be the doorway to trust.
yes i think i was somewhere between 1 1/2 and 2yrs when i realized i couldn’t trust the adults in my life. at that age memory is clouded by your mind trying to shelter you, as i’m sure you know. lol i had no expectations of anyone after that – except for betrayal. i think that’s why i hate being lied to now. Bear knows this and has at times learned the hard way – even lies of omission! lol submissive yes, without boundaries – no! everything after that was that meant i couldn’t depend on anyone but me. hard wall to climb over, never mind break down
my vanilla life/marriage started the climb. D/s broke the whole damn (sorry for the language) thing down. i still don’t trust in general mind you, but He has shown me that some folks are worth believing. ❤
That’s so young to have already learned that. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I really can understand why it’s o important to you not to be lied to. I mean, it’s always important, but it occurs to me that I pretty much keep an open mind about whether most people are being honest at just about any time. Which might be kind of weird all by itself.
I’m so glad you have your relationship with your Sir. I truly believe that D/s has the potential to be very healting, so I get that. Thanks for this comment! 💜
While some of the D/s bloggers I follow don’t ascribe to “love” being crucial to a D/s dynamic, it sure is for me. To submit fully to a man, to surrender, I must trust and respect him…and from trust and respect, mutual interest (D/s), and everything else drawing us to one another…for me, love is likely to run wild. Though, I really only have D/s experience with my husband and my Sir, both of which are loving relationships, so I really don’t have all that much experience. Thank you for the link, my sister-in-submission ❤
I’d like to say the same is true of me – it’s what I want, for sure. And you have a lot of depth of experience, sister-in-submission! I need to have someone I can trust and respect, because I can lost in submission and forget to think. But yes, I appreciate what you’re saying and really agree. 💜
I hesitate to comment since it’s been a terrific discussion between women who know what they are talking about from the inside. Hearing the viewpoints of women on relationships is always a good education for Doms or males in general.
Olivia, I fully agree that there is a Love Language on each side of the dynamic. It’s only through honesty with self and the other that the connection can be made properly. I agree it can be very frightening, and I have no trouble admitting to being vulnerable. Until recently, I didn’t feel truly secure and safe enough to be my real self. It showed in my stories, etc. I think I’ve found peace now.
I’ve never thought about it before, but are D and s not facets of both Acts Of Service and (to varying degrees) Physical Touch? Just more pronounced than in a vanillarelationship?
Oh, agreed, I think Acts of Service and Physical Touch are likely to be there. ANd really, I’m just making up this whole theory. But it seems like maybe submission and dominance might be their own languages as well…
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Olivia 
“To be alive is to be vulnerable.” There is such simple beauty in this message, olivia – thank you for sharing! 💗
At the intersection of love languages and kink, I believe this vulnerability you reference is the key to developing trust in each other and crafting the dynamic you’re seeking. It would be easy to assume that the submissive would inherently be the vulnerable one, but absolutely not! Dominants, as we are so often reminded, are human…despite some of their occasional feral attributes. 😉 ALL parties in the relationship must be open and vulnerable in order to forge this path forward. And this level of trust and honesty can be hard to come by…but it’s worth pursuing in the quest for balance. 🙂
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thanks, Jaye, I’m glad that resonated with you.
Vulnerability and developing trust definitely go together – although, like nijntje said, sometimes D/s helps us discover that we can trust and be vulnerable and still be safe.
Yeah, I know that Doms are vulnerable. Even though they may sometimes think they being a Dom means not being vulnerable.
I think the dance of submission (although I didn’t tie my post to my title very well,) but I think that learning each other’s rhythms and moving in synch and all that is in finding our way into trust and vulnerability.
Sometimes, people may both feel so vulnerable, and maybe even afraid, that it disrupts the connection. Sigh. Repairing the connection is a whole challenge in itself, if it can even be done.
Thanks for your comment!!
LikeLiked by 3 people
i say to that, when in doubt, trust your gut. even if it’s not the answer you want to hear. for me at least, it’s almost always been right. sad sometimes, but right. not sure if that helps but seems i’m on a writing roll! lol
LikeLiked by 3 people
That’s pretty good advice, Nijntje. I will keep that in mind. 💜. But sometimes, I think it’s my gut when it’s just fear – which, you gotta listen to that, I’m not saying ignore it. But it’s not always accurate…. It’s been good to hear from you. Thanks.
LikeLiked by 2 people
funny enough, when i was a child i felt no vulnerability, at least not mentally or emotionally. smaller and less strong physically sure, but i always relied on my wit and my cunning to get me through. i had no choice.
D/s made me vulnerable because of letting go of all the planning and giving over 100% trust. perhaps most kids have 100% trust to begin with and the learning that we actually can’t trust everyone is what makes them vulnerable. i believe some of us work the opposite. we don’t trust, so there in lies the vulnerability, learning to trust. abusive relationships do that to you though, don’t they?
LikeLiked by 3 people
Yes! That’s such a good reminder of how we have different experiences and it impacts us differently. I admit, I thought I was pretty invulnerable as a child too. Although, I did think that when I was grown up, I would be able to do all the things and wouldn’t have to worry because I would have some control.
Oh, so much to think about here. Yes, I get what you mean about D/s making you vulnerable. It lets us be open to feeling our vulnerability. And that is a gift when you’ve spent a lot of times shut down away from those feelings. Or when you’ve always felt that you had to be in control.
Abusive relationships – trauma in general – disrupts our relationships with others, with nature, and with ourselves. It might sound funny to people who haven’t experienced it, but submission in D/s definitely can be the doorway to trust.
Thank you so much for this comment!! 💜
LikeLiked by 3 people
yes i think i was somewhere between 1 1/2 and 2yrs when i realized i couldn’t trust the adults in my life. at that age memory is clouded by your mind trying to shelter you, as i’m sure you know. lol i had no expectations of anyone after that – except for betrayal. i think that’s why i hate being lied to now. Bear knows this and has at times learned the hard way – even lies of omission! lol submissive yes, without boundaries – no! everything after that was that meant i couldn’t depend on anyone but me. hard wall to climb over, never mind break down
my vanilla life/marriage started the climb. D/s broke the whole damn (sorry for the language) thing down. i still don’t trust in general mind you, but He has shown me that some folks are worth believing. ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
That’s so young to have already learned that. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I really can understand why it’s o important to you not to be lied to. I mean, it’s always important, but it occurs to me that I pretty much keep an open mind about whether most people are being honest at just about any time. Which might be kind of weird all by itself.
I’m so glad you have your relationship with your Sir. I truly believe that D/s has the potential to be very healting, so I get that. Thanks for this comment! 💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
While some of the D/s bloggers I follow don’t ascribe to “love” being crucial to a D/s dynamic, it sure is for me. To submit fully to a man, to surrender, I must trust and respect him…and from trust and respect, mutual interest (D/s), and everything else drawing us to one another…for me, love is likely to run wild. Though, I really only have D/s experience with my husband and my Sir, both of which are loving relationships, so I really don’t have all that much experience. Thank you for the link, my sister-in-submission ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’d like to say the same is true of me – it’s what I want, for sure. And you have a lot of depth of experience, sister-in-submission! I need to have someone I can trust and respect, because I can lost in submission and forget to think. But yes, I appreciate what you’re saying and really agree. 💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hesitate to comment since it’s been a terrific discussion between women who know what they are talking about from the inside. Hearing the viewpoints of women on relationships is always a good education for Doms or males in general.
Olivia, I fully agree that there is a Love Language on each side of the dynamic. It’s only through honesty with self and the other that the connection can be made properly. I agree it can be very frightening, and I have no trouble admitting to being vulnerable. Until recently, I didn’t feel truly secure and safe enough to be my real self. It showed in my stories, etc. I think I’ve found peace now.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’ve never thought about it before, but are D and s not facets of both Acts Of Service and (to varying degrees) Physical Touch? Just more pronounced than in a vanillarelationship?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh, agreed, I think Acts of Service and Physical Touch are likely to be there. ANd really, I’m just making up this whole theory. But it seems like maybe submission and dominance might be their own languages as well…
LikeLiked by 1 person
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