I was fathered by a man who was quite narcissistic. Fortunately, my parents divorced when I was seven, so I didn’t have his influence daily during the rest of my childhood and adolescence But I loved my Dad immensely, and never really stopped loving him, even though I ended our relationship when I was 16. I tried a few times to reconnect with him after that, but those efforts were so unsatisfying I quickly remembered why I had cut the ties in the first place. That relationship has shaded my life, and I can acknowledge that now without blaming myself or being angry.
My Dad valued my intellect above everything else about me, and was eager to see how much I could achieve in the world. He expected big things.
Of course, in many ways this was a good thing. The down side was that he expected me to achieve his ambitions and his love and approval were always dependent on the success of my next accomplishment.
The benefit was that I was raised, both by my Dad and by my Mom, secure in the knowledge that I was the equal of any man. Not that I was necessarily smarter or more able in specific ways, or better, but I was expected to be master of my own destiny and rely on my own strength. It was a very counter-cultural message, and I absorbed it into my very being.
I learned that so well, that I’ve had a series of unpleasant awakenings as I have begun to see how many men (and some women) don’t really believe that women and men are equals. I won’t list all the recent events that have rubbed my nose in this reality. An article I read the other day analyzed movies to see if the female characters could be replaced by a sexy lamp shade without changing the flow of the movie. I don’t know why I was surprised and so deeply dismayed to see how often that was the case.
I don’t blame any of the wonderful men I know for any of this – let me be clear. This is a cultural construct and most of us absorb it from birth. Men are the main characters, the protagonist, the hero of the story. Women have supporting roles of one sort or another, in the background. Women need to rely on men. We’re born to take care of our man and our children. All of that.
I don’t need to belabor this point – so far, this post might read better as an article on my vanilla Substack. BUT – here’s where you come in. If I publish a book about consensual kink, and the setting is a training school and the woman is objectified and controlled and humiliated, spanked and fucked, by more than one man – am I contributing to the idea that women in general do want to be treated that way? How do I distinguish my writing from what any incel out there might believe?
I think that being open to acknowledging and expressing this aspect of our selves is psychologically valuable and leads to deeper insight into our selves and others. I believe that exploring our kinky selves in situations where we can emerge unharmed, fuels our growth and we gain a deeper level of wisdom. I keep going back to this quote by Thomas Moore, author of Dark Eros and Care of the Soul, among other books. He says:
The dark eros is not merely about violence or infliction of pain. It is the mysterious and often terrifying pull of desire toward what we do not fully understand. It involves the paradox of pleasure and suffering intertwined, as if the human soul cannot know itself fully without embracing the shadows of its own instincts, fears, and longings. This pull toward the darkness is a form of initiation, a journey through the forbidden, that reveals something essential about our humanity.
For me, having been raised with ridiculously high expectations, tasked with living out my father’s dreams, and not having lived up to any of that, exploring dark eros is pure gold. Not being responsible for anything, not even my own self, is deliciously seductive. And wonderfully satisfying.
On this blog, I mix fantasy posts with glimpses of other parts of my self. For me, that balance is necessary, although I imagine I have readers who might prefer one or the other. But… Oh! Here’s the takeaway insight for me: My work is about integrating those two parts of my self. The intellectual, achievement oriented, driven woman with the submissive who wants only to serve. (Well, serve and get attention and affection and spankings, right? It’s not really just about serving.). One of my essential life tasks is to reconcile two opposites, not as either/or, but both/and. To learn how to wrap my head around the dialectic.
But the question here is, will I be adding more harm to the world if I publish my training school type fantasies? How do I minimize that possibility? Is it silly to worry about it? Y’all are some of the finest kinky minds out there – talk to me. Or email me your thoughts if you prefer – oliviahisservant@gmail.com 💜
Olivia 
I think it needs to be written by someone like you with your training and background in order to show how these women can be submissive in their sexual lives but not in the world. Perhaps you need to include a chapter in the beginning to show who the woman is in the world, and then she attends training school, and perhaps you can then show her reentering the world and how her sexual release helps her cope with the stress and the demands of the world.
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Good grief, Angel, that’s the ultimate book I want to write. Actually, that’s the Sofia and Lucas story if I were to ever finish it. But I honestly feel like I need to start with something smaller. I’ll have to think about how to bring that energy to some short material… Thank you. 💜
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And also you could touch on how the trust that develops between a good Dom and a bottom can help heal trauma, improve self-confidence and actually help women stand up for themselves. The back-and-forth negotiations and honest discussion of wants, likes, dislikes and no that occur in proper building of consent can be a strong lesson in honest communication.
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Yes, that’s exactly what it needs to portray. There can also be so much healing on the independence/reliance and trust scale. Thanks again, Angel. 💜.
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Dman that’s a big question. I think, for me, it comes down to whether the women you write about are presented as victims, who is really in charge, and whether you explore their motivations. If they only exist in the stories to satisfy thier Dom, it’s easier to see that heading down a troublesome path, but from what I’ve read, that’s not really representative of real world D/s relationships.
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Thanks, AM. (Is it ok to call you AM? Accidental Masturbator just seems so formal. 😊). I think you’re probably right. If don’t show character and motivation and make it clear that it’s more problematic. It really does need to be from a full perspective – which is what Angel’s really saying too. And you’re right. That’s not generally representative of real world D/s. 💜
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Thinking a bit more about this, maybe it’s worth considering your audience, especially those who you are actively NOT writing for. eg The men that don’t have due respect for women. What goes through their head when they imagine themselves into your story? Perhaps they need to read about the responsibility of being a Dom and the effort that goes into that role. I have no idea how you’d convey that, but can the stories be educational?
(And yes, it’s very much ok to call me AM. Most of my readers do and I like it.)
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That’s another really good thought, AM. in my ideal book, I really would be doing that. Providing good role model models of what a Dom is like and doing some teaching around that. It’s funny, I guess I thought I could just skip that part of it and publish some quick fantasies to get started. But I have been really stalled on doing that and I can see now that I need to put a little more energy into it. I’m beginning to see how I could frame it in a way that makes it more the way I need it to be to reflect who I am. Thanks so much for the input! 💜
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Deep thoughts and it isn’t even Sunday yet.
I’ll start with my short answer: No. You won’t be adding more harm. Now, to elaborate, the world is quite good at screwing itself up with or without our stories. I know you and I know I post frequently on our perspective blogs that all is fiction first, consensual second, and lastly, only feasible under very specific conditions: communication, trust, etc.
I’ve seen and read others who post their stories with no such guardrails. They seem to revel in the ability to shock and somewhat horrify. I do what I feel I can which is to stop reading those and liking them.
The simple truth is there are things in your stories that resonate with you as there are in mine. They will continue to do so as long as we acknowledge who we are fundamentally.
As you know, I’ve recently plunged into the world of self-publishing some of my stories. I have been very careful to mark everywhere I can all the warning signs possible. On my own blog, I have created a two-layered system to try and keep people from reading stories that might trigger them.
I recently saw the meme that says we don’t necessarily need to kill all the stupid people. We just remove the insane amount of safety-tags on everything. This is how I feel about writing and publishing erotica that deals with D/s or M/s dynamics. I’ve put all the warning labels on that I can. If they get ignored or if someone wishes to find motive from my writing to cause harm? I’ve done what I can. People will choose for themselves. I don’t feel the need to be the moral conscience for them beyond what I’ve already done.
I know…long…but you did want thoughts. There’s a lot of mine. Thanks for posting and thinking deep thoughts.
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I appreciate your reflections – I can see how they articulate your perspective on my question clearly. I don’t think we have the same concern though. It seems like you’re talking about the risk of people getting triggered by D/s stories, and of course that could be an issue.
I’m more concerned that someone who has the opinions of an incel reads it and thinks, “Yeah, see there – that’s why I don’t have a woman, they want somebody to treat them like that. That’s just how they are. Nice guys always finish last” And whether or not they act on that thought – changing their approach to dating – or just think they’ve been validated, frankly, that thought makes my skin crawl.
Of course I can’t keep anybody from thinking what they think or doing what they’re going to do. But I need to make sure that my own actions align with my own beliefs.
I have to laugh at myself when I think about the meme you describe about “stupid people.” Honestly, Grey Man, I think that’s a horrible meme. The idea that somebody thinks that there are people who they see as too stupid to live just dismays me. I get that it’s supposed to be funny, but that’s not how I see the world.
I do appreciate you sharing your thoughts about my questions. Very interesting!
💜
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My suggestion, to build on what AM said, maybe have a pre DS meet up in the story you write. Perhaps it’s a flash back, perhaps it’s the experienced sub or Dom speaking with a novice ? Perhaps the conversation can also bring in part of what Angel said too, the experienced sub explaining to the novice what she gets out of her submission and how it differs from her day to day life etc . …
As for your question, no I don’t think you would be contributing to the problem. As the old saying goes, they may be your words, but what others do with them after is on them….or something like that 😉
💕
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Yes, thanks for the input, R. That would be another good way to do it. And I’ve done posts before that had that kind of intro as part of a series. I think I could do it with a light enough hand that it wouldn’t be preachy and boring. It could be just as sexy as it really is when we experience that kind of conversation/experience//realization. That’s helpful. .
I do hear what you’re saying about my words not contributing to the problem, and I know you’re probably right. Sometimes I just need to work through this stuff and decide how I want to do something. Your input helps. Thanks!
And – have you commented here before? If you’re new, welcome! Stop by any time. 💜
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First, I want to say that I really admire the work you’ve done around your relationship with your father, my dear friend. These relationships often largely shape our lives as young people, and the baggage we carry forward into adulthood. It sounds like you’ve been able to make peace with difficult circumstances. You have such a beautiful heart ❤
Second, I want to validate your concerns. I hear that you worry about contributing to problematic stereotypes and reinforcing misogynistic ideologies. I love how thoughtful you are around this. I also feel that it is okay for you to explore your fantasies and your kinks, without carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. I know we’ve talked before about how conflicting it can feel to desire to be someone’s submissive, while also wanting to move the world toward to the empowerment of women. But having the desire to kneel before your dominant does not mean that you believe that all women belong at the feet of men. From my own journey, I understand that it is difficult to make peace with conflicting wants/needs and our fundamental beliefs about the world.
I love that you brought this topic to your readers, olivia. Thank you for this gift ❤
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Thanks so much, nora – I did a ton of work on dad stuff early in life and now I can just sort through it again pretty quickly, thank goodness!!
I appreciate the validation and the support. I’ve had some experiences lately that led me to question myself a bit but I’m moving on from that. And really, questioning myself is ok too. I’m not afraid to stop and check what I’m doing. PLUS writing about it here has led to some great suggestions and input, so that’s a real win.
Thank you, nora, for your comments! I always appreciate your wisdom. 💜
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I know I am late to this conversation (and finding your blog in general) and I think I read through the other comments to see the answers before adding mine, but I wanted to say, in response to this, “am I contributing to the idea that women in general do want to be treated that way? How do I distinguish my writing from what any incel out there might believe?”
The difference between an incel and what you’re talking about is consent. Also: fantasy. Thoughts are not crimes. Fantasies are not crimes. Fiction is not a crime. Is it problematic or contributing to real-life crime to write crime and mystery books about murder and theft and other egregious things? Writing about kink related fantasies and worlds is no different from these, if we stop and think rationally.
Thanks for such a thought provoking post!
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I’m glad you found my blog now! And I appreciate your comment. Of course you’re right. Consent is the ultimate difference. I think my concern as a writer is how do I make that consent clear in a way that fits with the rest of my tone. If that makes sense.
But yes, of course, Fantasy is fantasy and not the same thing at all. At the same time, I believe there is so much misunderstanding about what BDSM means. Maybe it is the misunderstanding that I don’t want to add to
Anyhow. It is responses like yours that have helped me think this through, and I really appreciate that. Also, I see that you have a really interesting blog and now I have to go read. Thank you for stopping by!💜
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I doubt incels read my work.
There are male members of my audience yes, but the largest consumers of my work is other women. And its other women I turn to for support in my work in every area that it needs support.
For my two cents, not writing what I want, not spelling out the fantasies, is contributing to the “let’s protect the fragility of the incels ego” … let’s not put out our fantasies for entertainment or enjoyment or for pleasure, or because this is how we pay rent, let’s make sure we have things that don’t rub against their screwed up ideology or else that proves that ideology has value in some kind of gotcha.
To ego the above, nobody ever has this conversation about thrillers or mysteries or true crime genres.
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Yeah. I know you’re right. I might have been overthinking a bit when i wrote this. Me overthinking – shocking, I know! 😳.
Plus – I don’t think your books even fall into the same category as the stories I’m looking at. Your people are real people with names and personalities, living real lives, while the stories I’m looking at are much darker. But your point is still valid.
Thanks, Bleue, it’s good to see you here and I appreciate your comment!! 💜
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