If you’ve been reading here very long, you know my life has a cycle. The hills and valleys of my moods, the rise and fall of distress and contentment, the occasional deep despair and sudden flashes of joy, are probably predictable. I haven’t taken the time to look back and map them out, and i wouldn’t encourage anyone to do that. But I can feel it.
There’s also a process of outreach and pruning. I add activities and interests until I’m pretty overwhelmed with it all. As an introvert, I need people and then I need to be away from them. As a submissive, I want to please, and then (in the absence of a Dom of my own) realize that I’m looking to other people to lift me up when really, I need to lift my own self up.
A funny thing happened on my bed and breakfast adventure. I told you that, right? That I was finally getting to spend a few quiet days alone on my own?
Well. The Innkeeper, as he called himself, was a delightful Scottish man who wore his kilt while scrambling Irish eggs and baking gluten -free biscuits each morning. Breakfast was served hot at 8:30 am and then in the late afternoon, we were served cheese and crackers with a glass of wine – our choice, red or white. He lectured us on the history of the city while we enjoyed breakfast.
And he had rules.
All the food, except for the ritz crackers with our wine, was gluten-free, because he wanted us to be healthy. He even had gluten free chocolate chip cookies, which he made fresh daily. In fairness, they were delicious. Breakfast was not served until 8:30 on the dot, even if it was ready sooner. We were not allowed to use the coffee maker. We were not allowed to take the wine to our rooms (because someone spilled theirs on the bed once.).
And you know what? I adhered to his schedule. Of course, I followed his rules, but I also drank the wine (I almost never drink anymore.). I ate the cookies, one every day, and they were some big cookies. I made sure I was at breakfast on time. I arranged my meals and my plans to accommodate the damn wine and cheese, which I didn’t even really want.
And it was only a few days after I got home that I thought, wtf is wrong with you? I went away to get in touch with myself on a deeper level. And I did walk a lot, I did enjoy the sound of the ocean, the salt air, all of that. But I fell in line with his agenda like I was going to get spanked if I didn’t.
I promise you, he had no interest in spanking me. And I wasn’t actually interested in him either, so that works out ok. But I made sure to stroke his ego as if pleasing him was my damn job.
Sigh, ok maybe I was just expressing appreciation for all the things he did as an innkeeper. And I was sincere in my praise. But damn. This trip was supposed to be about re-connecting with ME, not building a relationship with the innkeeper.
(He did invite me to come back for coffee any time, and also to visit his family’s inn in Scotland, so there was that. But that’s NOT why I was there.)
Anyhow, since I came home and sort of had that realization, I’ve been pulling back. I’ve pulled back from my daughter and my grands, emotionally. I mean, I’m still connected, but I’m not putting as much energy into things that don’t really matter, and I’m not looking to them for support. I’m pulling back from MP, which mostly means not feeling hurt and resentful that he can’t/won’t satisfy my need for a Dom or for deep emotional intimacy.
I’m not looking to my co-workers for deep connection, and the organization I work for is not quite the warm, fuzzy, compassionate place they claim to be. Like all organizations, their main goal is the survival of the organization and anyone can be sacrificed for that. That’s not a judgement against them, that’s just how it is. And every once in a while, they do something to remind us of that.
I’ve even pulled back from some important friendships -not letting them go, but – I don’t know how to describe it – not looking to them as a source for meeting my own needs. And I’m moving away from some groups that have been a support in the past but no longer are. (My meditation group, for example.)
Omg, this has become a long and boring post. Ooof, sorry. I’m practically boring myself. But, a little bit like Nora at Finding Strength in My Submission, this is my blog and I get to do whatever I want. (She just shared an amazing post, you should read it.)
Anyhow.
I have been avoiding trauma and suffering in the world, and that has not actually been that helpful. With the current administration getting ready to make trauma a lifestyle, I need to re-embrace all that I know and allow that to guide me. I need to step up, not step down and cower in fear and dread.
Book Update: It’s back from my editor with suggested edits. I’ve been slow to follow through (for lots of reasons) but I haven’t forgotten it. Still planning on getting it out before Christmas. Thanks so much to everyone who’s expressed interest.
Olivia 
That cycle of outgoing and withdrawal is something I know well. There is something in your tale of the innkeeper that says you still crave that Dom influence
It’s a need you have, no shame in that
We all have our desires and needs.
Good news about your book 📚 and I look forward to the day when I can have more of your writing to enjoy. Be well, you’re too precious not to be
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Thanks, KM. I’m glad you can relate.
You’re right – I do still crave a Dom. No shame in that. The problem is when I act like I’m going to find that in vanilla places!!
Thanks for the support and the kind words! 💜
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Then perhaps you need to start looking for some elements of submission outside of your vanilla life, whatever form that will be
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You might be right, I just don’t think that’s where my energy needs to be right now. I’m always open to possibility, I’m just not actively looking right now. Thanks for the suggestion though.
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Thank you for the lovely shout out, my dear friend ❤
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Of course! 💜
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And I will say this as to the Innkeeper. The world gives us exactly what we need. We don’t have to figure anything out, just live in the moment, and be grateful for each day.
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Wow, this comment really made me stop and think. Oh, now you’ve tapped into a dialectic for me. I agree that the innkeeper was a benefit and even a blessing – but in general, I don’t know that the world always gives us what we need. And that’s a whole other can of worms, isn’t’ it? Hurricanes and house fires, rape and children being abused… nope. For me, it is more that whatever the world hands us, we can work with to become more of who we are called to be. But I’m not a bit sure that I’m right on this one… so there’s that. 💜
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Mmmm….yes, I think I did phrase that poorly. I think the sentiment that I meant to express is that the world gives and we take from it what we will. That’s not to say that we necessarily enjoy everything the world gives. As you pointed out, it does hand out a lot of unpleasant experiences. But take from it what you need. Perhaps you set out on your trip with certain goals in mind, but instead, you took exactly what you were needing…a bit of structure and guidance around your day. Just waxing prose over here… thinking about how the older I get, the less I know…. XOXO
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And really, I think you’re right – there were lessons for me from the experience, and probably more than one. I don’t regret it, but it’s one of those times when I went looking for one thing and found another – who knows where that will ultimately lead…. 💜
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And DEFINITELY I too know less with time!!
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you may call this boring, but the ups and downs of life are what makes it interesting, the wrestling with the self, the pursuit of personal equilibrium…
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Thank you. That’s the kind of truth I would say to someone else, but not necessarily think applied to me! 💜
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I too can relate to this post ( minus the author portion 😉)
Speaking from my own experiences, I find it odd, how one aspect of oneself will subconsciously feel and embrace dominance in vanilla situations, cultivating submission in the process- yet actively shuns submissive feels by withdrawing in areas those feelings may appear.
The latter is self sabotage. One believes they are protecting themselves and yet suffocation of self rarely is a protective measure. It just puts us on pause or in an endless loop of what we believe is a safe ( yet lonely) place. I have often said a, ” Survive not thrive” space. You can tell it’s not our growing place as when a submissive opportunity presents itself we slide right in there unwittingly. The realization happens later, and perhaps a bit of embarrassment, yet we enter the so-called “survive space” again, allowing a bit of sadness in because of the slight tinge of submission we felt, not quite digging deep into that feeling for fear it’s going to alter our lives again, and yet wishing all the while we could allow ourselves to swim in those waters of authenticity again.
….or you know, not 😉
💕 willie
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Hi, Willie!
It’s always good to see you here and I appreciate your understanding. Plus you often give me a new perspective to ponder, which explains my slow response to this.
If I understand what you’re saying correctly, you’re familiar with slipping into a submissive stance in a vanilla space when we’re not getting the opportunity to offer submission with a Dominant partner. I think I did that for a large part of my life, back before I recognized that it was possible to live D/s without being locked in a basement.
The next part is where I’m not sure. The part where you say: (one aspect) actively shuns submissive feels by withdrawing in areas those feelings may appear. Is this what I’m doing? Or is this your experience?
I don’t think that that’s what I’m doing (emphasis on “think”). I think that if the opportunity to “swim in submissive waters” comes up again, as it did so suddenly with Sir Jon, I would – maybe not dive in, but slide into the waters pretty easily.
What I don’t want to do is continue this restless seeking and yearning for something that is so elusive, investing time and energy into something that may not happen. If the opportunity knocks on my door, I’ll answer. Ok, I’ll be scared, but I’ll answer.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m not even understanding your comment. Regardless, I love that you understand that “acting submissive in the vanilla world” and I love that you commented.
💜
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to be honest I’m surprised you understood the first bit- I was very wordy and all over the place.
What I meant about the second bit really was that *I* tend to avoid deep self reflection, meditation, anything that is vulnerable to me ( submitting to a stranger in a timed experience in a vanilla situation isn’t exactly vulnerable for me- it lightly scratches an itch but is safe). So I withdraw from many, not cultivating self or deeper connections. I suppose it is because that puts me on a track that brings up feelings of vulnerability, which for me ignites my submissive core. When there is no where to put the submissive aspect, it’s lonely, perhaps lonelier than before.
Does that clear anything up?
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Oh, that totally clears it up – thanks, Willie!! Yes, I think I get it. Avoiding things that make you feel vulnerable because it taps into your submissive core and without an outlet for it, that’s really painful – and incredibly lonely. I can relate to that. I think my fantasy is that I can experience that and just notice it, then let it go again. We’ll see how that works out for me…
Thanks again, Willie!
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