An Aside

/ olivia

I have another part of A Kinky Retreat about half done… but I’ve been distracted by a post I saw on my (very vanilla) facebook feed. Drew Tupper, a coach who works with couples, wrote it. When I read his posts, I sometimes bristle, on the verge of being offended, but then he shifts the perspective in a way that makes me soften and I can see some truth in his words. I feel like he represents men and understands women in the way I hope I represent women and understand men.

His words describe vanilla women, and yet they touched my submissive heart. I wanted to share it for all the Alpha Submissives I know ( whether you believe that’s a thing or not.).

I have lots of thoughts about it, but that might be a different post.

“STRONG WOMAN AND A PASSIVE MAN

She’s a Force of Nature and he can’t keep up.

He never could.

But it didn’t matter back then, when they first got together. She wasn’t looking for someone like that. She was quite happy to be the generator, the provider, the giver. It was comfortable. She chose it. She chose him because in that relationship she could occupy this role. She wanted the role, back then.

She Generates so much: In work, at home, with the kids. She is everywhere taking care of everything.

But now.

Now, with so much more on her plate, and decades of over giving…

She is Burnt out. Adrenal Glands shot. Health deteriorating.

Her super power has turned into her kryptonite.

Doing everything, everywhere for everyone has caught up to her.

And now, she is ANGRY at him for being so passive while she takes care of everything. So angry.

She is angry at the lack of support and teamwork. How could he just watch her like this?

She judges the f*ck out of this man who supposedly loves her. Where is he? Why is he so weak? Why can’t he be more and do more? He is pathetic.

Unknowingly to her, the relationship is reacquainting her with her core wound: feeling alone and unsupported. A feeling that was anchored in her psychic and emotional body a long time ago. Before him.

This is the pain that she formed the callous around, the over performing, “force of nature” callous.

But now, it comes out at him. How could he just sit there while she…. No, even worse, how could he hand her more to do when she is already drowning.

Doesn’t he see? Is he trying to push her down. It almost seems like it. This isn’t love.

Doesn’t he f*cking see that see is struggling?

No he doesn’t. Because she can’t make room for him to really help her. To let him in. To really see her.

What is underneath the anger? Will she show THAT to him?

She doesn’t want to let go of control. She doesn’t trust him.

She has no chill, no surrender.

The softness it takes to RECEIVE is something that completely eludes her.

It’s her softness that she is protecting. In fact, she has been protecting it her whole life.

She has become a master at doing, generating, and giving to others… all to avoid the softness of truly receiving.

Reading this, maybe for a moment…she might feel seen, let her shoulders drop, she might take a breath…she might feel like crying.

There it is.

That is the softness she seeks.

A different experience is on the other side of surrendering, receiving and trusting.

But wait!

That’s too scary.
Won’t that create a mess?
Won’t he drop the ball?
Won’t he drop me?
He’s dropped me before.
Maybe everything will go to sh*t.
Maybe it’s too late.
Maybe he won’t step up.
Things will get missed.
The kids won’t get taken care of.
The bills won’t get paid.

The house will fall apart.

Yes. Maybe. However, you can’t learn to swim by never getting in the water.

You would only ever do this if you wanted a different experience, if you were done with status quo.

Your choice

And for the man reading this. You are not off the hook. Not by a long shot my man.

If you want to dig yourself our of this hole, if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to step up, and you are also going to have to help her.

Because she is on an autopilot that is killing her.

For a glimpse into the energy required: Imagine saying “no” to her. Imagine telling her to go sit down. Imagine providing her with some boundaries for her own good. Imagine taking control of things she has controlled in the past.

Imagine telling her with strength and love – “I got this”

Imagine weathering the storm that comes at you when you do this, and holding steady.

Imagine building the strength inside of you to weather the storm of her anger to get to the softness underneath.

Imagine giving her the space to show you what she has wanted to show the world her whole life.

Imagine growing up: from boy to man. She is not your mother.

Just as she got together with you for a reason, you got together with her for a reason.

What does her force of nature energy allow you to do and be?

I’ll tell you. It allows you to be less than who you actually are.

Her big presence has allowed you to remain small. Something that felt safe and comfortable to you.

But it is no longer working. This is not you at your best.

Are you ready to be bigger, stronger, and more trustable?

You both need help. Both work on this to shift this dynamic, with good support and it will expedite things, and significantly increase chances of success.

With love and respect,

Drew

Does it resonate with anyone else?

Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

19 thoughts on “An Aside”

  2. Hi Olivia, it’s been a while!

    This definitely resonates with me/us. I’ve written about it actually, in the past on the more subdued blog. It’s not an Alpha however, those exist but only in a multi submissive relationship. I know – that’s for another day. It actually falls under what they tend to call the ‘Warrior Submissive’. My other site states ‘dragons, warriors and rabbits’! lol I chose those words ten years ago because this is exactly how it started for me!

    My life growing up was full of men trying to control, being domineering and completely turning me off from any kind of ‘domestic woman’ type ideas. It took ten years of marriage and a plate completely over flowing for me to break down. I was completely spent and yes, getting very angry at Him. That’s when I realized I didn’t trust Him to take over any aspect of life. Type A, that’s me!!

    Fortunately I found kink, not long after that I found D/s. I would say it saved us … *smiles* so yes, it resonates!

    Hope you’re doing well, my friend! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Hi, nijntje! It’s good to see you here.

      Yeah, I hear you about the Alpha vs Warrior Submissive. I used to like the Warrior submissive archetype, until I learned about the serious consent issues with the person who promoted that concept. But you’re right, that’s a conversation for another day.

      I love that you can relate to this relationship dynamic that Drew describes. There have certainly been elements of it in my life too. And it makes perfect sense to me that kink could be a way out of that cycle. I’m just delighted to hear it worked that way for you!

      I’m also happy to see you posting more often, even if I’m terrible about commenting. I miss you when you don’t post!

      💜

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      • YES! That was quite the debacle! I try to separate the archetype from the ‘organization’ and unfortunately I’ve seen a couple more very high profile organizations doing the same or even worse! 😮

        Kink requires trust and that lead to trust outside the bedroom as well. It doesn’t work for everyone but for us it was a huge catalyst. 🙂

        I miss all the posting and conversations too! You’re very sweet, my friend and I hope to get read up on your series, I don’t normally read fiction but I read a line or two and I admit you have me very curious! lol ❤

        Liked by 2 people

      • Good point – about separating the archetype from the org. That makes sense.

        Kink definitely requires trust! I love that it worked for you two.

        I’m often torn these days between wanting more here and acknowledging that I’m not going to have the things that really feed my sexuality. Sigh. But I think it’s lovely that a few lines of my fiction made you curious! If you do read some, I hope you enjoy it! I do love writing it.

        💜

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I am grateful that you shared this, dear friend. I need to sit with it for awhile to explore what it is bringing up for me, but yes, it definitely resonates. Thank you for bringing this to your readers ❤ XOXO

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  5. Hey stranger.

    It’s funny, I don’t pop in much at all, but whenever I do it tends to be around the time you post something I relate to ( other than the Alpha/ Warrior Submissive aspect – but you already know that 😉)

    There is/ was/is a time in my life when I could/ can relate to this 100%. No pondering needed.

    The trust aspect wasn’t an issue when we first traveled the road to D/s, ( for me). It came much later after living D/s when we began to have struggles.

    I can also relate to some of your responses. I miss the interaction of deep discussions ,and yet I have trepidations concerning getting into those discussions for various reasons.

    Thank you for sharing this.

    willie

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Wilma!! I do love it when you pop in!

      I’m so glad that you could relate to this – or that there was a time when you would have. And of course, I’d love to hear more about it. But I understand your hesitation – at least, I think I do.

      Thank you for commenting!! 💜

      Like

      Reply

  6. Pingback: dear warrior … – Exploring M/s and Sexuality

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