Because I am so in-and-out-again with my blog these days – and with the whole idea of kink, for that matter, I come back and discover that I’ve missed big changes, lost some contacts, and not yet met new folks. Today, I wandered over to Jon Masters blog, and was delighted to find some stories that awakened my kinky little heart. Ok, maybe it was more than my little heart that was awakened…

I realize that Nora, at Finding Strength in My Submission, has already discovered him and talked about him a bit, but actually reading his blog was so excellent. It did lead me into a whole rabbit hole remembering bloggers I have known and loved, but I pulled myself back out of that warren before I drowned in the flood of memories from days long gone.

Sometimes, I really do almost feel like I never was submissive, never did all the things I actually did. I question whether I was actually submissive and criticize myself for – I don’t know what. Not being a good enough submissive?

Because I wasn’t, you know. I don’t suffer fools gladly, and so often, the Doms I met couldn’t run their own lives, so how could I trust them with mine? The other problem was that I wanted to submit to someone who wanted a relationship with me. Who saw me and valued me.

I think what I wanted was unrealistic, although there were Doms I loved and remember with so much affection. I wonder again what it would be like to go to a kink event now. Winter Wickedness, in Nashville, Kinky Kollege in Chicago… something like that.

(I know, if you’ve been reading me for a while, you’re probably thinking, oh, good grief, is she on that kick again? Wandering down memory lane, reminiscing about the good times. The old girl IS really getting old!)

It makes me think about the two elderly women I used to see sometimes at the BDSM club Where-I-Used-to-Live. They lived together and seemed quite happy being kinky with each other, going to events, and generally enjoying life, even though they were at least 70 years old. At the time, that seemed very old to me, and I marveled at how engaged they were with each other and the community – at their age!! As I get closer to 70 myself (and isn’t that a whole weird thing?) I envy them just a little bit.

Anyhow. Jon Master’s blog made me think of other Dom’s blogs that I loved, which always makes me think of The Discerning Dom, who was among the amazing first blogs I ever read. It took me a while to remember his name, but once I did, I looked him up on Amazon so I could see his book. I didn’t buy it (family plan on my Kindle, afraid my grands would eventually stumble across it and I’d have some ‘splaining to do) but I invite you to read the sample here. I particularly love his description of the paradox of at the heart of D/s and would love to know if it resonates with you too.