Nope, I have not suddenly developed a kinky relationship with anyone. This is one of those “crying in my beer” posts, so feel free to skip it.

I went to the beach this morning, which is always lovely. No less lovely today than ever.

I’ve been to the coffee shop, to the farmers market, for walks in the neighborhood and walks in the park. Alone.

There is nobody I know here who wants to hang out and go places with me. In fairness, I hardly know anybody.

MP spends his days in front of the TV, watching endless youtube videos or sitcoms from the 70’s. Or sleeping. Lots of time spent sleeping in his recliner. Often, sleeping with the TV playing in the background, an omnipresent irritant that I try to ignore.

My daughter is busy with the kids and their lives and her own life, as she should be, of course. If I were completely honest, I would admit that when I imagined us sharing a house, I thought we would do things together. I imagined going to the park with her and the kids, or to the beach. And occasionally that happens. Maybe once a summer to the beach. When they have big school events, I’m invited, so that’s something. Or if MP or I buy dinner for everyone, we eat together.

But mostly, my daughter’s overwhelmed and struggling. When I ask her if I can help her do something, she says no. And when I say the wrong thing, which is often, she has a mini-emotional-break-down.

Like today. She had brought a couple of frames in from the garage. I noticed them, and said, “Oh, cool!” because I knew she’d been wanting to hang some pictures. I added, “You know, a lot of those frames out there have pictures that we’re not going to ever hang again – you could also use those frames if you wanted to.”

And she put her hands over her face and said in a wobbly, about to cry voice, “Don’t – I can’t – I just can’t – I’m so overwhelmed – I’ve got so much work to do. I said, “I didn’t mean…” and she said, “I know, I know, I just can’t.” So I apologized and walked away.

I’m not faulting her for this, clearly she’s having a hard time. But it’s the third time this week that I’ve said something that triggered that kind of response.

This week I’ve found myself wandering out to the kitchen when she’s there and then just standing there. I realize after I get there that I want to talk to her, just have a conversation. And sometimes, I’ll share something, or ask her something, and every once in a while she’s interested enough that we talk for a few minutes. But sometimes, I just walk back away.

There are other times that she comes to me to talk about a situation with the kids or with her boyfriend. She’ll tell me about it and sometimes that’s great. But sometimes, I’ll say something or even just have a look on my face that triggers her, and then it’s near tears and the refrain, “I’m just having a hard time right now, I’m so overwhelmed, I just can’t…”

Okay. I wish I could help, but truly, the best thing I can do is just leave her alone. Unless I can offer financial support, and that’s always helpful.

But ~~~

I’m in a bit of a financial pickle at the moment. I’ve had some unexpected BIG expenses ($4,000 for a broken tooth, for one) and was still paying off some old debt already (on a no interest deal, but still.). Some income I was counting on fell through. An opportunity to increase my work hours didn’t happen as expected. Anyhow. I can pay my bills and I can see a way through and out of this, but I’m on a strict, tight budget for a while here.

I should be in much better shape by October, with a couple of debts paid off and a new source of income that’s pretty certain (as much as anything can be.). But I don’t have anything to spare. MP is treating me to a visit to our home town in a couple of weeks, and that will be nice – although only two days will be with my family/friends, the other 7 days will be either on the road or with his family. But that’s ok. I have one friend who has had a bunch of medical issues for a while and I wouldn’t be able to go visit her this year if he weren’t doing this. So I’m not complaining. Or not complaining much.

But I am saying that I’m tired. Frigging tired and lonesome. And feeling very stuck.

On the other hand, (there’s always an other hand), at least I could get the dental work to replace my broken (front) tooth. At least I finally have an office space of my own with a door that closes. I’ve lost 12 pounds, and I’m getting between 8,500 and 10,000 steps every day. My daughter is smart and talented and she’ll figure out how to manage her life – or her kids will grow up and things will be different. Things could be a lot worse with MP. And things will change. I still have choices I can make in life. We get depressed becasue things are bad now and it feels like they will always be the same, but that’s not true. They change or we change them and the world goes on…