Trigger warning: More on food and other unsexy things…

Ran across this quote today:

“When we give up dieting, we take back something we were often too young to know we had given away: our own voice. Our ability to make decisions about what to eat and when. Our belief in ourselves. Our right to decide what goes into our mouths. Unlike the diets that appear monthly in magazines or the thermal pants that sweat off pounds, unlike a lover or a friend or a car, your body is reliable. It doesn’t go away, get lost, stolen. If you will listen, it will speak.”

~~ Geneen Roth, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating

Last night, MP brought home a bunch of my favorite junk foods. We had a little feast together – Fritos and onion dip, the new M&M’s with carmel (not that great, but I ate a bunch anyhow.) And really, on the rare occasions that we enjoy food together, it is kind of special and feels like a connection between us. Which is great for “us.” Not so great for me, since it’s the opposite of listening to my body or my own voice.

Some of my earliest food memories are unpleasant ones. (I’ve mentioned this here before, sorry for being the person that rehashes the same ole stuff…) But I remember my dad, who thought I wasn’t eating enough to live on, making me sit at the table til I finished all my food when I was 3 or 4. Remember having to take 3 bites of my sweet potatoes, even though they made me gag.

Anyhow. I’m 66 years old, I can reclaim my voice or not. I don’t have to eat junk food. Don’t have to eat too much.

I feel like I need to reset. Like maybe I need to fast for a day or something, just to get back in touch with myself and my body.

In other news, I tried to sign up to be on the KAP directory. That’s Kink and Polyamory Aware Professionals, and if you are one, you should sign up too. The directory includes “psychotherapeutic, medical, legal and other professionals who have stated that they are knowledgeable about and sensitive to diverse expressions of sexuality.” If you need one, the directory is national and a good place to go.

I already have an account there although I’m not listed anymore, so I figured I’d need them to reset my password and be ready to do a profile. But no. It acknowledges that I already have an account – it won’t let me start over and register anew. But it doesn’t send me the link to get a new password either. It was maddening. Finally, I walked away from it. I’ll have to message them today and get it straightened out – or later this week, I won’t have time today.

And honestly, I’m not feeling very ok. Disconnected from my feelings. Numbed out. I don’t even know what I need to do…