A Mixed Bag

When I feel this way, I wish I had someone to spank me.

It’s a strange thing, but I have somehow quit binge eating comfort food at night. Strange because I haven’t felt this way before. And because I never imagined I could do this in quite this way.

I’m not dieting. I’m just eating pretty healthy, fairly small meals, and then I’m not eating more. Maybe half an apple and some chocolate hummus for a snack. And I just feel different. When I think about eating more, like I did tonight, I can think about it without a fierce urge to mindlessly dive into it.

That’s led me to be more in touch with myself. I’ve said things like that before, but this time… I’ve faced some cold, hard truths. (Do truths come some other way? Are there warm, soft truths hidden away, waiting to be faced?)

I’m in a couple of situations that I can’t escape and can’t make better. I just can’t, no matter how much I want to. I noticed that I kept sharing with clients this part of the caregiver’s meditation by Kristin Neff:

Everyone is on their own life journey.  
I am not the cause of this person’s suffering, 
nor is it completely within my power to make it go away, 
even though I wish I could.  
Moments like these are difficult to bear.  
And yet, I will try to help if I  can.

Then I realized that whether or not my clients needed to hear that, I certainly did. I was the one who needed to keep that meditation close to my heart. (Don’t be surprised if I post that again a few times over time. I really need to remind myself of it.)

I noticed there are things that happen that make me intensely uncomfortable. Fidgety, like I can’t sit still. I would stand up – and forage for food. In the refrigerator, the cabinets, MP’s snack stash. Wanting to stuff those feelings back away.

I’m not doing that now. I really am sitting with the feelings. Breathing, putting a hand over my heart, letting it be. And it passes, along with the urge for pretzels and onion dip or Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Chunk cookies.

I’ve been using my rebounder, and enjoying it a lot. Just a minute, no more than three minutes at a time, but it’s energizing and I can feel my legs toning and gaining strength. I will need to do more, but that’s enough for this week.

I’m super aware of how stressed I am. Ridiculously stressed. Much more so than I need to be. I’ve signed up for a group on emotional regulation that I think will be helpful.

But that’s what makes me wish I had someone to spank me. Like Case Wintermute’s story, where the girl goes and gets spanked on Sunday afternoons by a very nice, pleasant man who knows that she needs a good, hard spanking, and who enjoys spanking her too. But I don’t have that person, and if I did, I guess I would just use that experience to avoid my feelings. Sigh…

ANYhow. All that sadness and angst is not what I came to talk about. I really just meant to pop in and share this, if you haven’t already seen it.

You may know that Angela Merckel, who was the Chancellor in Germany, has stepped down. In her closing ceremony, she was asked to choose three songs for the military band to play. I gather that two of them were pretty much what you might expect – but this one… this one is a delightful treat. Sadly, Youtube won’t let me post it here, you’ll have to go to Youtube to see it. The name of it is: Nina Hagen: Du Hast den Farbfilm Vergessen 1974. This is a picture of Nina Hagen, who was apparently quite popular in Germany in the 90’s.

You totally need to go find it and listen to it. And it has to be this version. If you do listen to it, scroll down through the comments or look up the lyrics (unless you speak German, of course.) 🙄

I’ve been looking at some of her other music videos – one of them calls her the grandmother of punk rock, and there’s another that shows her at a concert singing Spirit in the Sky, looking totally punk. In another, she’s in a cathedral singing Silent Nacht. Quite a mixed bag, our Nina Hagen.

And so am I really. I imagine you are too…

11 thoughts on “A Mixed Bag

  1. I have often told friends that a large part of my “success” (if you call it that) with the healthier eating is coming to terms and sitting with the situation that is my body and my health. And if the mindset shifts, then the weight can too.

    I’m glad you’re enjoying the rebounder. Given how prone i am to injuring my lower limbs (knees, ankles, feet, toes, shins – they’ve all suffered) I think I’ll just stick to walking. Even tho I imagine it must be fun to experience intermittent weightlessness.

    I’m here to listen whenever you feel like you wanna get things off your chest. We all are.

    Loving you always.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I think you’re right about shifting the mindset. MP brought home sugar-free chocolate chip cookies the other day and was trying to get me to try them. Instead of feeling bad because he’d done something nice and going ahead and eating it, I thought, “Omg, no, you can’t make me do that!” And I didn’t. And won’t. And I don’t feel deprived about it.

      Yeah, I think being that kind of injury-prone,, walking is your best bet. I am liking it though.

      And thank you, Fondles. You don’t know how much I appreciate your listening!

      (I wanted to leave a bunch of hearts, but my stupid computer won’t access emojis this morning, so consider yourself hugged!)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Olivia, good on you on the healthy eating and not turning to food during times of stress but sitting with the feelings and listening to what’s going on jn your mind and body. Glad you are enjoying the rebounder and noticing benefits from it.

    I really hope some of the stress eases for you soon.


    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Olivia glad you are eating well I have told you in the past to keep moving either walking or biking so if you like the rebounder you will use it.Your are right not to overr so it in the beginning. Hey maybe you can find someone for Sinday afternoon. Just kidding. Keep writing about your food and exercise it will keep you healthy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Dad, yes, you have told me that before… hahahaha Does this mean Daddy Doms know best?
      Thanks though, for the support, for real. If my emoji’s were working, I would heart you.


  4. Not eating my feelings is a constant challenge for me too, my friend! It can be so easy to turn to a yummy treat when feeling sad. I am going through a ridiculous amount of emotional stress right now too, with Daddy’s health. This post really uplifted me and reminded me of the importance of simply sitting with my feelings and focusing on breathing. Thank you for sharing this 🙂


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