Writing here has become my therapy. Like group therapy, only instead of a group of clients, there’s one client and a group of therapists. Thank goodness, clearly I need it. Sofia and Lucas are dancing in my head again, but I need this session now.
My much anticipated conversation with MP and my daughter that was scheduled for last night got delayed. “Got delayed.” What happened is my daughter got overwhelmed by a bunch of other things she had to do and had plans to go out after the kids were in bed and asked if we could reschedule. Of course I agreed, cause I didn’t want to have the conversation when she had one foot out the door and was already half-way to meltdown.
She wanted to talk this morning, but you know, kids are up, MP had to have his vehicle towed, and so on. It is not going to happen this morning. And my sister gets here tonight so there’s lots of cleaning and prep that needs to happen. They’ll be here til Monday, so I’m predicting that Monday night is the soonest the conversation can happen.
And isn’t that part of the problem? Part of the problem is that I look ok. I pretty much always look ok. I don’t usually melt down. I don’t over-react. I seldom yell. I hardly ever cry. I look like everything’s under control, everything’s fine.
Even when it’s not.
I’m so good at soothing myself, talking myself down. So yesterday, in a workshop, they talked about the yin and yang of self-compassion. You know, with yin being female energy and yang male, right?
… “yin” compassion … is gentle, comforting and nurturing but there are situations which call for actions, for the “yang” compassion to motivate, to protect or to provide.“
If you’ve been around a while, you already know where I’m going with this. I’m lacking yang self-compassion. Plenty of yin. My yin self-compassion may be flawed with my persistent secret belief that I’m not good enough, but almost everyone struggles with that. I have enough yin self-compassion to soothe and comfort myself in almost any situation.
It is the lack of motivation, drive, penetrating energy that leads to a failure to protect myself and to provide for myself and my family. I don’t know if this is exactly what Kristin Neff (expert in self-compassion mindfulness) has in mind, but it is my essential problem. And I KNOW THIS. I already frigging know this.
And it’s getting worse. The clutter in my house is piling up. I have to really push myself to shower. Maybe more importantly, I am not doing any of the things I need to do to promote my business. THIS is why I wanted that perfect Dom to hold me accountable, right? To give me some masculine umph.
If someone asks me to do something, I’m there. I can do it, right now probably. But I cannot seem to take the initiative I need to take to do anything for myself. I can schedule stuff, but I don’t follow through. No drive.
In fact, I’d kind of like to go to bed and stay there.
This post was interrupted by our actual meeting – so woohoo for that!! And it looks like we’re going to change some things, MP is going to help with some marketing and with the situation I’ve let become a huge problem, we’re going to have a way to signal when I’m not to be interrupted, and have scheduled weekly meetings and so on. So of course I feel better.
But feeling better was never really the goal. The real issue is whether or not I will DO better. We’ll see.