i may have told you this story before.  If you’ve already heard it, don’t feel like you need to hear it again.

Once upon a time, a long time ago, there was a Dom i knew.  We’ll call him Burford.  He was gruff and mean, but not really.  Really he was sweet and sensitive and i liked him a lot.

Burford used to tell me that if he were my Master, he would keep me naked all the time.  He said that otherwise, it would be too easy to forget i was a slave.  He said that i was so competent, that if he didn’t keep me naked, he would end up having me doing his taxes and a bunch of other mundane stuff and would forget that i was a slave and needed to be beaten and fucked regularly.

i understood that he meant because i’m competent, because i’m strong, it’s hard for men – even Doms – to remember that i’m submissive.  He said it in some really nice ways, he said he would get lost in the joy of being with me, and would forget i was a slave.  He was not intending to be cruel.

But it happens.  Some people think that being strong means not submissive.  i know that happens, i’ve heard people say that it’s hard to be dominant with someone who’s strong.

i think that however strong a submissive is, that equals how much they need to be dominated.  That’s all i’m saying.

But i quit talking to Burford when i got together with my partner.  My partner didn’t want me talking to him anymore – understandably – so i didn’t.

Then Sunday, when i was really mad at my partner, i emailed Burford.  i just wanted to talk to someone who knows how deep my submission runs.  Not even talk to, maybe just email or message for a little bit.  i don’t think i’ll hear back from him, i doubt if he even uses that address anymore.  And it’s probably just as well.  Really.

i am, however, still exchanging email with the guy i knew in high school.  He is vanilla, as far as i know or could imagine, and our conversations are incredibly mundane, but it makes me feel good.  That – talking to him – is what shifted my sexual energy.  Knowing that he’s interested in me in some way.   i don’t know if other people are self-sustaining that way, but i need the boost of feeling like someone might want me “that way.”

Anyhow.  That’s a thing i did, emailing Burford.  i guess i’m not sure it was a right thing to do, but i wouldn’t take it back.