In my last Delilah and Graham post, there is a part where they have just entered her home. He comments:

...And all this belongs to you, hmm?’

“Yes, of course it does,” she said, a little surprised at the question.

‘And who do you belong to, this evening?’

The question instantly dropped her from proud homeowner to submissive girl.  She felt the shift low in her belly and the throbbing between her legs.

My friend, nijntje, commented on this, “i don’t understand why Delilah would feel she ‘dropped’ from one to the other?”

She was concerned that dropping to submissive meant I became “less than.” But that’s not what it meant to me. I’m glad she asked me about it, because I really had to think about what it did mean. It took me a while to figure it out.

It’s not that feeling submissive makes Delilah – or me – feel “less than.” The drop happens internally, dropping through layers of myself.

Most of the time, and especially in the vanilla world, I am competent and capable, I manage things, I take charge. Not in a demanding way usually, it is often another kind of service. I take care of things and people, as best I can. Whether it’s my clients or my family or some stranger on social media…

No, that’s not quite what I want to say. I mean, it’s true, I am the one who’s responsible for all kinds of things, and if I sometimes think I’m responsible for things that I’m really not, well, that’s understandable. I am in control. That’s the main thing. In control of myself and responsible.

Underneath that, of course, is also my messy self. This part of me shows up with my therapist or coach, with my closest friends, or in the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes she shows up in my blogs posts She is not confident, feels incompetent, and struggles with all the kinds of self-doubt and the same inner critics that most of us have. Not good enough, not competent enough, and so on.

But underneath that, at an even deeper level, is my submissive self. Youall – my friends here – probably know that aspect of who I am more than anyone in my life right now. (Which is kind of sad.).

But my submissive self is more primal, she is all about pleasing and belonging to and wanting to offer and – well, you know. Spankings and kneeling, cock worship and orgasms, and all the submissive things. With the need for attention and the greed for more of it all, mixed with giving up control and obeying.

I don’t imagine it’s like this for everyone, maybe not for anyone else. Maybe it would be different for me if I were living in a 24/7 D/s situation, but that’s not what my situation is. And I’m not sure that it would be different, I don’t know.

Beneath the submissive layer, is the core of who I am. My soul, if you believe in such things. Any wisdom I have comes from that space, and when I can access that part of me, I find peace and wholeness and am not afraid. All of the layers are part of who I authentically am.

Actually, I think I’ve talked about this before, in some long forgotten blog post. But I didn’t realize until the “dropping down” conversation that it related back to the layers of who I am and dropping internally. It can catch me by surprise when it happens – like Delilah. But it’s a welcome surprise, much appreciated.