A Little Lost

/ olivia

A weekend away with MP was very nice – we went to a music festival. The music was excellent, the weather was good, food trucks were plentiful – in many ways, it was a pleasant day.

This was our first time away from home since he’s been in the wheelchair. With firsts, comes lots of anxiety, experiments with uncertain potential for disaster. Will his wheelchair make it over the field and do ok in the grass where the ground is uneven and there are occasional holes? If he manages to get up in a bed that’s really too high for him, will he get hurt trying to get back out of bed?

In our hotel, the first room we were in wasn’t ok, the second room I got them to give us was better in some ways, but worse in others. Lesson learned – get him to examine the room before we make the change. Not that he complained, but I think the move was a mistake. Sigh.

But – does that handicapped parking spot really have enough room for his ramp? What if he can’t navigate the handicapped port-a-pot? What if the wheelchair flips? What if…

In the face of this, I manage my own anxiety by trying to foresee and forestall every problem. Like some kind of strange cross between a Mama Bear and a service slave, I wear myself out trying to make sure everything’s ok. I become a bit crazed.

Lol, ok, I will tell this story on myself. At breakfast, which we had in the hotel at the buffet, he was complaining that he couldn’t find sweetener. I said it was with the coffee, he couldn’t find the coffee. He’s frustrated. So I say, I got it. I go to the coffee set-up, get the sweetener, and a cup of coffee for him.

Y’all. He did not want a cup of coffee. He was gently surprised. “I didn’t want coffee,” he said, with just a mild touch of reproach, “I just needed sweetener for my cereal.”

I lose touch with who I am.

If he were my Dom, in my fantasie of a Doms, he might tell me to quit acting like he can’t take care of himself. My fantasy Dom might spank me – soundly, even – and remind me that not everything is my responsibility and he doesn’t need constant care. Or something like that.

This thing I do with MP, this kind of care-taking, is not a virtue. A lot of it is (probably) unnecessary, and it doesn’t really serve either of us. I manage to look perfectly calm and in control, while internally, I’m on high alert way more than the situation usually calls for.

And when I throw myself into this state, I feel like I lose the part of me that is even able to submit. To give up being in control, to let someone else lead – that part of me is not here at all in the moment. I vaguely remember her, with some fondness. (Yes, imagine me with the back of my hand to my forehead, sighing, full dramatic effect…)

But despite the drama, it’s true. I lose the connection with the part of me who wants a Dom who can take me down a notch. A Dom who has me sit at his feet and lets me rest my head against his leg. I may long for him, but I can’t feel the part of myself that would respond.

Ok. Enough of that.

If I owe you a message, forgive me. If you’re hoping for more of A Kinky Retreat, I’ll be back. I just need to get reconnected with the rest of myself first. 💜

22 thoughts on “A Little Lost”

  1. Not lost, dormant.
    Through your writing and other posts, it is clear your sub-self is still there. At the moment, your caregiver self is being called on more and responded to more, sorry to hear that, but while in the moment you can’t feel her, she is still there and will come to the fore when needed.

    I often feel like I have lost pieces of myself, but I know they are still there.

    But as always, it’s great seeing you post and I look forward to more from the retreat

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • You’re right about catching my breath, of course. That would be helpful.

      And you make a good point about first times being difficult. Thanks.

      The music festival was great!! The weather was amazing, the music was terrific and the food was good! So it was worth it for sure and I enjoyed that! 💜

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

  3. i understand these thoughts and ideas. OCD? ADD? High functioning Anxiety? From what I understand of your work you are probably aware of all these.

    My oldest like to say my ‘autism is showing’! lol (just a funny not to make light) but I do sometimes come across that way and YES!, having a present DOM helps me manage much better than when He’s not.

    Impact play calms the anxiety/stress and rules/rituals calm the rest. It’s then that I can balance.

    I know you commented on a post, I’ll be honest I haven’t read it yet. Stress – makes me tap out. I saw this title and I felt the need to read. Hope you’re doing okay my friend and your friends here are right. Dormant, in need of respite, but not gone or lost! 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

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    • I am glad you commented – I really appreciate it.

      It’s funny, I rarely think about diagnosis for myself, or others really, now that I’m a coach instead of a therapist. I do think I was a parentified child, first-born, overly responsible from the time I was very young. So definitely that.

      You describe that so well – how impact play calms the anxiety, at least for a while. But, lacking that, I need to figure out how to feel better myself, I guess.

      No worries about reading my comment – stress can make me tap out too! I think it’s good to recognize when we need that. I am feeling better now, and recognizing that I need to acknowledge the extent of my anxiety and do something about it.

      Sigh… It’s not easy being a grown-up.

      Thanks fo much for being here. 💜

      Liked by 3 people

      Reply

      • you’re welcome! ❤ i'm glad i made sense! lol

        i'm a first born too, lots of responsibilities and a very dysfunctional family which left me with even more. when the sh*t hits the fan, i'm the one everyone calls on, even now. shame they don't listen … *chuckle*

        not much in the way of play here either due to lack of privacy so i do understand how you feel. a dominant friend would tell me to 'ask for what i need, not to wait for Him to read my mind'. perhaps you could try that approach?? it's not topping, it's just being honest which is something we all need to strive for i think. especially the over thinkers! 😉

        i'm glad to see you writing either way. that tends to help me too.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m glad you were able to take the trip together Olivia, even with the logistics.

    I understand you getting in this space when it comes to making sure MP’s needs are met, including worrying about issues that may not even arise because I do the same thing. Over worrying? This would have been compounded by being a first also. Try and take a breath and step back just a little, let MP articulate what he needs.

    I agree, your sub self is still there. Different parts of us need to emerge at different times depending on the circumstance.

    Hugs,

    Roz

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    • Thanks, Roz, I’m glad we could do it too!

      Thanks for understanding what it was like for me. You’re exactly right, I need to wait for him to tell me what he needs before I jump in. And definitely take more breaths.

      Sigh, I know my sub self is still here. It just doesn’t feel like it, ya know?

      Thanks for being here, Roz. 💜

      Liked by 2 people

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  6. So many things are at play when we react to situations.

    I was told recently (actually during what was basically kind of a long-distance topping session) that I seem to have a tendency to people-please. I said how I guess there was a time when I kind of defined myself in a carer role (after being my mum’s home carer for a while, and then being in a relationship where caring was involved), but it’s not sonething I do now.

    Thinking about it, though, I have used my tendency to want to make friends with prople to smooth the waters when navigating so many difficult situations in recent years, it’s sort of become my default position without my even realising it.

    Still, the thought of how fantasy dom might react… 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    • Being in a carer role can definitely contribute to the urge to be a people-pleaser. It sounds like you have a gift for calming and soothing people. I think that can really be a good thing – except when we do it at our own expense. Or when it’s not actually helpful.

      And yes, sigh, the reactions of fantasy dom…
      💜

      Liked by 2 people

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      • Oh, and thanks so much for the recent blog comment. Meant a lot. Sorry if it seemed like a meltdown. You know that moment when you realise just simply cannot really write another word at the same moment you kinda have a gazillion things you really need to say? Kinda like that. If that makes sense.

        But today was kind of a big day and it sorted a few things – not least what’s super important right now. I dunno if that’ll involve blogging again but maybe not yet awhile.

        But one thing I do know… when I was in a situation that involved someone close to me needing care, it tended to bring up a lot of contradictions – and it often led to situations that looked completely the opposite of how they felt… as well as situations where how I, or the people close to me, thought we were coming across to each other was the opposite of what the other person saw…

        and afterwards, it took a while to unravel all those contradictions, or to figure out how to be kind to myself. But you’re still there in the middle of this. In fact you’re probably a lot more you than you feel right now, though I totally get it if you find that hard to believe.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Woodsy, your blog post did NOT seem like a meltdown, but it did seem like you were in a hard place. I’m glad you got a few things sorted out, and hope that helps ease things for you. Like KimberlyannKitsuragi just told me – Take it slow and be gentle with yourself.

        Yeah, the whole caregiver thing is tricky. I am glad that MP is not really demanding and works really hard at going with the flow. It’s one of those times that builds character, I think – or it’s AFOG – Another Frigging Opportunity for Growth.

        I probably am more myself than I feel – but in that case, my “self” needs a bit of work!

        Thanks so much for your kind words and support. It means a lot to me! And I hope to see you posting again soon!
        💜

        Liked by 1 person

  8. i’m glad you made it out together. Would it be possible to sit down and brainstorm together, with him explaining what his fears are and what can be done to accommodate him better? Agency is so important and an essential part of that gets lost to visible disability, well meaning and non. It is always possible to ask anonymously on fb pages what experiences anyone else has had using wheelchairs at an event. You both survived the first one, enjoyed some of it, and that is a win. i’d have brought him the coffee too, but i know from experience that not all disabled hotel rooms are actually disability friendly at all. Some have massive bathrooms and then not enough room for a chair to get into the actual room so it is always a good idea to check it out if you can. i have missed you. lots. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    • JADE!! I’ve missed you!! It’s SO good to see you!!

      Yeah, the event was fine once we discovered that his wheelchair would be ok on the grass. He’s been doing a ton of reasearch himself. I’m in a FB group for caregivers and that’s helpful too.

      I know that agency is important – lol, it’s too bad that I turned out to be a helicopter caregiver! At least I’m not like that at home…

      You’re so right about him needing to look at the room, as much as possible. It’s probably always going to be a bit of a crap shoot. All the more reason for me to get hold of my anxiety…

      Did I tell you I missed you? I do. Have you quit blogging, or do you have a new one somewhere?
      💜

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