Not that I owe anyone an explanation, but after my last post, Duncan Lorry, over at Your Sex Interview was commenting on the “Caregivers who want to have sex” name of the Facebook group I just left. Lol, yes, that does sound bad. And of course that’s not what the group calls itself, just my own nickname for it.
The group branched off from a private Facebook group for people who are providing care for their spouses or other loved ones. Many of them are full-time caregivers who are dealing with feeding their loved ones and changing adult diapers. Obviously, that doesn’t lend itself to emotional or sexual intimacy. (Although there are people like Ancilla in A Slave to Master who are exceptions to that rule, not that her Master is into Depends, although he’s dealing with serious illness. But she’s amazing, and I imagine he must be too.)
Anyhow, the Caregiver group offers an opportunity for the caregivers to express their own feelings, seek advice, share tips and so on. I always feel like a bit of an imposter in the Caregiver group because MP doesn’t need the kind of physical care that many of them do. And I’m certainly not sacrificing my life like some of the people in the group – which i don’t think is a good idea anyhow. But there is a shift in relationship dynamics that often kills desire.
So in the regular Caregiver group, a few people were talking about sex and emotional intimacy, and said that they were thinking about going outside their marriages to find a relationship. Which, if you’ve been reading here long, you know that I was thinking about that a few years ago and actually told MP I was going to. Which led him to go to a sex coach and for a while we had a big ole resurgence of D/s and there was much rejoicing on my part.
Except then it didn’t last, so that was crappy, and neither of us have broached the subject since then.
Sometimes, I just get super lonely, and I miss feeling desirable, and I miss feeling like someone would take care of me, and I miss having a full partner. I miss being submissive, I miss feeling cared for.
Anyhow. So in the main caregiver’s group, a few people started talking about maybe going outside their marriages to look for emotional and sexual intimacy. And a few of the other members got real judgemental about that. So one guy created a split-off group to have those kinds of conversations. Which I thought was a great idea…
… except either I’m too old and jaded or they were too vanilla and kind of faux-adolescent with their talk of sexting and such. I mean, having been on Fetlife and CollarMe and here, and around people who’ve spent a lot of time thinking about, talking about, and developing their sexual identity, it felt a lot like splashing around in the baby pool when I wanted the ocean. Not that people on Fetlife or CollarMe are that sophisticated and mature, for the most part. But they’re mostly not tee-heeing about naughty pictures either.
Plus, for real, if I decide to find another relationship, I need to tell MP that’s what I’m going to do. He doesn’t deserve to have me sneaking around on him for real.
PLUS, when do I have time for another relationship? Or energy. At this point, I start thinking about how my libido is dead anyhow. Although when I read Nora’s latest story, over on Finding Strength in my Submission, I was reminded that I can wake up really fast.
Anyhow, long story short (ok, that boat sailed, never mind…) but just to conclude here, ultimately, I only want to seek intimacy with someone who can actually see me for who I am. And that was totally not going to happen anytime soon in the “Caregivers who want to have sex” group.
So I’m just hanging out over here, wondering what I’ll try next.