It seems like I’ve been trying to change the way I relate to the world. I wanted to move in a straight line, putting my energy into my career vision, staying focused on my goals and objectives, and so on, blah, blah, blah. It seemed like a good idea in the beginning. It seems like other people are doing this and becoming successful.
I believe that I have knowledge and wisdom that matters in the world.
I believe that if people knew what I know, it would enrich their lives. That if they realized the difference it might make to them, they would be interested and want to work with me.
I believed that the way to make that happen was through marketing, through an aggressive campaign — (see? “aggressive campaign…” Does that even sound like me?) — but an aggressive campaign of putting myself out there.
And I did, to an extent. I did some work on my website. I did some videos, some social media posts. Worked on my LinkedIn profile. Started creating a workbook. Read a book about how to stay focused on my own work. But I did not do the whole-hearted, full-bodied marketing myself push that I had intended.
I sidetracked. Spent time with my grandkids. Did other stuff – don’t ask me what. Signed up for some classes. What I didn’t do was make a bunch of money. I made a tiny trickle of money.
Even the referrals for my side gig, coaching for this one organization, dwindled. So I wasn’t making enough money, and that’s bad.
Then I got an interview with this other coaching company – one that I applied to back in JANUARY. Interviewed with them, got accepted. I was super excited – between the new company, and my old company (where referrals have picked back up) I should be able to make ends meet. So I celebrated. For about a minute.
Then I realized, between the new company, and the old company, and these classes I’ve started taking, I don’t actually have time for marketing and such. Not unless I’m going to work 60 hours/week. Which I’m not going to do.
I felt like I was giving up my dream. And that made me really sad and kind of depressed. Plus, a couple of other things happened that added to me feeling useless and I was soooo sad. A real sense of despair came up in me and I just stayed on the verge of tears. I swam around in the sadness, with some dashes of anger, for a couple of days.
But, you know, acceptance is an amazing thing. And at some point, I really gave up. I let go of my hope that I would be different. I let go of my attachment to the outcome. I’m not going to do those things I thought I would do – have all my own clients, and offer classes and workshops and such – because I’m not going to do the things I would need to do that might make that happen.
I can debate with myself all day about why I won’t do it. Maybe I’m actually just a coward. Or lazy. Maybe this is just a huge rationalization for my own failure.
But for real, it is just who I am. So instead of pushing forward on my own work and my own marketing, I’m taking two classes (Mindful Self-Compassion and Conscious Business Coaching) Between them, that will take about 10-12 hours/week. Plus the on-boarding stuff starting soon. Plus the clients I already have. Plus grand kids.
Nope. This big putting myself out there and marketing like crazy is not happening. And today, I’m ok with that. I keep thinking about “willing hands,” a gesture of acceptance. At least some of the time, I can really feel myself in that posture, feel myself move into that state of mind.
Of course that was before I spent a frustrating hour with my grandson in virtual school. He’s 5. Sigh. I’m not complaining, not much anyhow, but on-line kindergarten is not that great.
But that’s ok, this too will pass.
And at least I’m not spending all day feeling like I should be doing something different. Something more. I can be ok with how I am. Who I am.