Not Connecting

I was doing this energy healing exercise last night during dance – the music was slow, and I just used my palms to feel my own energy. I was in a very alone space in my mind and it felt lovely. If you haven’t done this before, here’s a simple way to experience it:

From the article Feel Energy Between Your Hands

The basic exercise to feel energy between the palms of your hands is very easy:

  • If you feel a little tired perform the 2 exercises to increase your energy levels. This can actually be good for anyone who want to quickly gain some energy.
  • Sit comfortably. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to relax your mind and body.
  • Hold the palms of your hands facing each other about 2 inches (5cm) apart.
  • Perform short and slow movements of the palms around their position, keeping them facing each other. For example, make small circles (1 inch) with your right palm. Or move both palms in circles.When you do this you may start to feel some sensations in the palms. These can be tingling in the palm or fingertips, warmth, slight pressure or kind of a magnetic repulsion. I usually feel this as if my palms are two magnets pushing away each other, with the center of the force at the center of the insides of my palms. And it feel hard for me to bring them closer together because of this.You may also try moving the palms farther and closer from each other in slow movements
  • All the time concentrate on the feelings between your palms.

Anyhow, at the end of the class, the teacher/leader/whatever had us sit on the floor in a circle and do a similar exercise with each other. I was actually not in the mood for connecting with others, I was connecting with myself and wanted to protect my own energy. But I am not one to make waves, so I participated. (What? Ok, yeah, sometimes I do make waves. I didn’t even have the energy for that last night. I just went along.)

I can’t say I enjoyed it and I didn’t feel connected with anyone, and I was glad when she let us leave. I did, however, get in touch with myself in some ways. Here are some things that came to me:

  • The feelings I have about marketing and my difficulty with marketing are connected with my feelings about wanting to give and not being wanted. Like wanting a Dom and no Doms wanting me back. Which connects with my Dad, who was the king of inconsistent emotional withholding and rather narcissistic. And really, how maddening is that? Sixty-three years old and I’m still working out my daddy issues??? (I was less judgmental about that last night, and more curious – like, “Ohhh, so you can be 63 and still have feelings and behaviors that relate to childhood injuries? Well, isn’t that interesting?”)
  • I discovered that I really don’t like it when people talk {direct me} during expressive dance. In fact, it makes me kind of cranky.
  • Part of my crankiness might be because once I start trying to put words to what my body is doing when I dance, I’m lost. I’m all up in my head thinking about what that even means and feeling stupid because I have no clue what she’s talking about. Imagine someone saying, in a very meaningful tone of voice, like a fortuneteller might use or a prophet. All broken up for emphasis.
    • Her: “Now – when you hear – the music – shift, be aware of what part – of your body – wants – to respond. Focus – on that part, just let your focus rest – on that part of your body. And let it respond with the breath. Just – riding – the breath.”
    • Me: (In my head): What – wait – what – ok, the music shifted, the part of my body that wants to respond? Huh? I don’t know, my legs? My hips? With the breath? Did it just shift again?”
    • Her: “And see – what word – what word – bubbles up for you. What word comes up that connects – with that part of the body? You may – want to say the word aloud… or just – think it… but what word comes up for you?”
    • Me {Still in my head only}: “Word? What word? What body part? Say it aloud? Noooooo. Can you just be quiet?” I really don’t know what she’s talking about. There were other things she wanted us to do – to run, to dance together, stuff like that. I didn’t want to.
  • I think that I might be a little bit mean, but ultimately I realize that she’s trying to make us connect, trying to create community. I’m not in the mood for community. I came to get in touch with myself and I just don’t want to connect. It’s ok to feel the way I do, but I can’t actually complain (much) cause this what this dance thing is. It just didn’t bother me so much last time.

I’m glad I went, and I’ll probably go again. But I’ll be more clear about what to expect and maybe figure out how to handle it better.

12 thoughts on “Not Connecting

  1. My now-deceased ex-wife did Healing Touch. Anyway, I started reading and the memories came back. Now they’re getting stronger. Grief sucks. Love tinged with guilt sucks even worse. Onward and upward. Maybe Lukas and Sofia could distract me. Pretty please?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds like you made some good strides. 😉 I found that I can’t do guided meditations AT ALL. They’re distracting and pull me into what’s going on rather than allowing me to let go and actually relax to get myself back in balance and in tune, which is the point. I feel the same way about yoga and stuff like that. It’s the talking. I thought at first I was being judgmental and mean until I realized and accepted that nothing works for everyone. Perhaps the dance is for you, but not the guidance…. ♥ I resemble that very much.

    I also relate deeply to wanting to give in my healing and reading work, but being afraid to put myself out for fear of not being wanted. Some of the same reasons. Big hugs, Olivia! ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    • Right, it makes sense! I know we’re not the only two either. I don’t mind it in guided meditation because I can just space out if it’s not helpful, but I can see how it could bother you and others. And yeah, I”m not even sure that group dance is for me, much less guided group dance!

      I think fear holds us back in all kinds of way. I hate that having that insight doesn’t change anything! Nice to know that I have company though. 💜

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Olivia,

    It ‘is’ ok to feel like this, to want to connect with yourself rather than others. Ultimately, it sounds to me like this was a good experience for you. You got some self learning and self realisations.

    Hugs
    Roz

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your feelings and thoughts that came to you in the class seem real. Your offering a service and worries that you won’t be wanted .. marketing or Dom is normal to alot of people. Your never too old to have issues from childhood whatever they are. I think all our experience makes us who we are …all those thoughts and some exercise too try to enjoy it. Have a good day

    Like

  5. This sounds like a good thing to do to get in touch with oneself. I’m going to give it a try. I think I’d prefer silence when doing something like expressive dance, too. I guess it would depend on my frame of mind and / or what was starting to come up for me during the dancing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I think you’re right about frame of mind making a big difference. And not knowing anybody there might have made it harder to connect – although knowing people a little bit could have been worse… Anyhow, yeah, it is a lovely way to get in touch with oneself. 💜

      Liked by 1 person

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