I’m having surgery tomorrow, getting 4 dental implants. I may have mentioned this before. It will be about 7 hours of dental work. Oral sedation. I am – anxious. Eager to get it over with. Afraid of what it will be like – during and after. But glad that it’s finally time to do it. Lots of push and pull of feelings. Dread and anticipation of relief.

I’ve taken the week off work. I don’t think it will take a week to recuperate (good grief, I hope not!) But I’m going to do a personal retreat starting Wednesday, going to Saturday. I plan to relax and read and listen to lots of the Healing Collective Trauma recordings. I’m going to rent a three-wheeler bike and ride it to the beach. I’ll eat soft food and get plenty of rest.

Did I already tell you all of this? Probably, but I tell it to myself over and over in my own head, so youall might as well hear it again too.

I’m working on posts to have ready for Monday and Tuesday, anticipating that blogging will not be on my mind. During the week, I need to think about what direction I’m going with my business. What do I need to do next?

I need to make some money. For real. Sigh. But I can’t do anything about that today, so I’ll let it go. And this post is super boring. Let me see if I can at least find a quote for youall.

Ahhhh, this one.

“The gift turned inward, unable to be given, becomes a heavy burden, even sometimes a kind of poison. It is as though the flow of life were backed up.”
― May Sarton

I won’t get into the whole messy question of whether or not submission is a gift (and is that still a topic for heated discussion out there in the world of D/s?) What I know is that for me submission feels like a longing to give. At least in part. Regardless of how anyone else sees it or what they think.

So if that’s how I feel, and if the quote contains some kernel of truth, then is there a risk of my flow of life getting backed up? Maybe writing stories is enough to keep it flowing. Oh, that would be good. When I think about kneeling…

I feel the heat of desire and longing. I think that’s why I leave here sometimes, why I have to go away.

In any case. I’ve finished the next post for Connections – 5 – and hope to get at least the next one – 6 – done today. It does feel good to be connected (so to speak) with that energy again. You know, my submissiveness started as pure fantasy and stayed there for so many years. I guess it can end that way too.

I am thrilled to notice that some of the people who’ve followed me lately actually have blogs about trauma and healing. It makes me want to reach out to them in my other persona, Vanilla Me. I wonder if they would realize that olivia and Vanilla Me are not two different people if I didn’t tell them.

Ok, enough babbling. I’m getting back to work. Hope your day is sunny and warm, inside if not outdoors.