FFF 2.0, 6-28 & The Incredibly Terrible Name for a Business

Reporting in once again. Halfway through the second year of FFF and I am actually about 14 or 15 pounds below what my highest weight has been, weighing in today at 164. Not great, but not terrible. At least I’m not continuing the previous trend of just continually gaining, so there’s that.

Step count this week averaged about 5,000, with a low of 2,600 and a high of 11,000. My high was on Sunday, my low was on Monday, when I barely left my computer. The last couple of days I’ve been a a workshop which also involves not much walking.

I ran across these guidelines – or labels for activity levels, based on step count.

  • Sedentary is less than 5,000 steps per day.
  • Low active is 5,000 to 7,499 steps per day.
  • Somewhat active is 7,500 to 9,999 steps per day.
  • Active is more than 10,000 steps per day.
  • Highly active is more than 12,500.

I think I’d like to aim for not falling into the sedentary level, or no more than one day below 5,000, and hitting over 12,500 at least once a week. I was close to that this week, so it’s not unattainable. And it seems like a reasonable way to approach it. That’s going to be my intention anyhow. The fact of the matter is that I do live a fairly sedentary lifestyle and just shifting it to low active is a decent goal.

I’m doing a lot more mindful eating these days, not because I’ve become a more mindful person in general, but because I’m having more dental problems. The mindful eating is definitely an (unwanted) silver lining to a big ole thunderstorm cloud. If you are neglecting your teeth right now, stop it. Please. Take my word for it, it’s not your best move. Avoid now, pay more later is a real thing. Just go to the damn dentist.

Ok, it’s not nice to make fun of people’s names, and as someone who has an unusual name IRL, I am reluctant to do that. But when I got this card in the mail yesterday, I giggled like I was still in middle school.

It’s a furniture store. Pictured, along with a living room and dining room, are three bedrooms. The name of the store is Badcock & More.

Badcock. Get it Snicker… I know, it’s probably their last name. It’s not actually funny.

And it still makes me giggle. How do their kids survive middle school? “No, it’s “bad” in a good way!! Like Bad to the Bone!”

Ok, enough of that nonsense. David has challenged me to: “Once a week I will post 2 quotes on a topic, pick 3 bloggers to post on a topic of my choosing and choose a topic of their own.” The topic he picked was Hope. I was going to start that on Wednesday, but I had the workshop and got too busy. I’m planning to do it next week, mid week sometime.

On that note, I’m going back to bed for a little bit, since I’ve been awake since about 4 am, which is actually too early. ‘Night!

The Best of Doms

A Dom I know in real life posted this today on FaceBook:

A TRUE DOM doesn’t just take control of you or try to order you around. That’s not dominance, that’s bullying.

A true Dom is ALWAYS respectful, will guide you, instruct you, encourage you, help you, and drive you to reach your true potential.

Not in the bedroom, in LIFE.

A true Dom will be the most supportive person you’ve ever met. They’ll challenge you and teach you things about yourself you never knew.

They’ll bring out the very best in you.”

Because I know this person in real life, mostly in his vanilla persona, but in his kinky-ness too, I know that this is true for him. I’m sure it’s not true all the time, because he’s human, but I totally believe that this is who he strives to be, all the time.

That’s who I wanted, for so long. That Dom. I don’t know anymore, I think I’m more “just in the bedroom,” but you know, since I don’t have that either, and don’t think I will, it’s ok. I’ll just admire people living the lifestyle from over here in My World.

It’s funny, I was thinking about David’s post about his wife, who isn’t interested in looking sexy anymore. In that same way, today I feel like my submissive self is just gone. I don’t know what it would take to bring her back, or if anything would. The most I have today is a deep sense of nostalgia.

But I’m not unhappy, not today, and there are more important things to think about. Like going to the beach…

FFF 2.0 – 6-21; Summer Solstice and the years go by…

Checking in – step count is 6,800, which is super close to my 7,000 goal, but still includes the 19,000 from Saturday, so it isn’t all that impressive. My low was 2,700. Weight is hovering between 163 and 166, glucose levels are good. Check – all systems go.

I’m feeling ok about life today, despite some days this last week when I woke up way too early and couldn’t sleep, more dental woes, and a growing stress financially. On the other hand, my teeth are ok today, i gained a couple of opportunities to make a little money, and I’m going to an expensive two-day workshop next week for free. I’m super excited about that.

I was looking back at my old blogs this week – back when I was aisha, and then sofia. I got a WordPress notification that aisha was getting 29 views an hour and went over to look. It was one person, of course, reading through it, but that’s always kind of cool. And then I checked in on the sofia blog, just for fun.

Each of those blogs lasted 3 years – not exactly, but I ended them both somewhere after the 3 year mark. I’ve been here 3 years too, and for a minute I contemplated ending this blog and starting a new one. What would I call myself this time? What blog template would I use, what images? What would my theme be? I thought about trying to do something that spanned my kinky life and the vanilla.

But I decided not to. I quit the aisha blog partly because I had met MP, we were active in the kink community and he was uncomfortable with the aisha story being connected with us. And I quit because I wanted to function as a therapist for kinky folks and didn’t want my own story compromising the therapy. As it turned out, that didn’t happen much, but my blog persona was already gone.

I left sofia because that was the blog of my relationship with MP, a relationship that started with so much fanfare and fun, such promise for depth and growth. The I woke up and realized I was deluding myself, none of that was going to happen, so I ended that blog and came here.

I don’t quite know what this blog is anymore – I guess just my journal as much as anything. Although why i would want to write a semi-public journal is a little odd when I think about it. However, thanks to Fondles, I have a reason to show up at least once a week and document my life journey. For whatever reason, FFF seems to anchor me here, and I deeply appreciate that.

In other news, today is Summer Solstice. To celebrate, I’m going to start cleaning out our pool, which is a hellish mess of bacteria-ridden leaves. But we’re having a family friend visiting from our old hometown the week of July 4th, we’re keeping the kids home from daycare that week, and having a pool we can swim in will be a fun, free activity. Wish me luck…

I’ve been thinking about my spiritual journey too, trying to figure out what I need to be doing for my own growth. I miss that deep sense of connection with myself and the universe that I’ve had in the past.


FFF 2.0 6-16, and more…

Let’s start with step count. Yesterday, I did 19,000 steps. My low was on Monday at 2,700, but with 19,000 yesterday, I have an average of 6,600. Go, me! The 19,000 happened on a family day trip that involved walking more than I anticipated and maybe more than I wanted. But today —

— I weighed myself and was at 163. Only 8 more pounds to get back to my last low level, only 28 to where I might feel satisfied with my weight.

The chakra dance lessons have been lovely. Ok, full disclosue, I’ve only actually done the first one, but I loved it. Eventually, I’ll do more. I’m working on not being irritated with myself for not doing it every day, because really, I don’t do anything every day. Except brush my teeth, I do that at least twice a day, every single day.

AND I read this article called Smash the Wellness Industry. (I know, I know, another article.) And sharing this today doesn’t fit very well with me sharing my weight loss goal, I know this, but I still love what it says. And really, I don’t have to be consistent, do I?

See what you think about this:

I had paid a lot of money to see a dietitian once before, in New York. When I told her that I loved food, that I’d always had a big appetite, she had nodded sympathetically, as if I had a tough road ahead of me. “The thing is,” she said with a grimace, “you’re a small person and you don’t need a lot of food.”

The new dietitian had a different take. “What a gift,” she said, appreciatively, “to love food. It’s one of the greatest pleasures in life. Can you think of your appetite as a gift?” It took me a moment to wrap my head around such a radical suggestion. Then I began to cry.

Two years into my work with her, I feel lighter than I ever have. Food is a part of my life — a fun part — but it no longer tastes irresistible, the way it did when I told myself I couldn’t have it. My body looks as it always has when I’m not restricting or bingeing. I’m not “good” one day so that I can be “bad” another, which I once foolishly celebrated as balance.

I know I’ve read about this approach before, but for some reason it struck me differently this time. I want to do that. And this:

I no longer define food as whole or clean or sinful or a cheat. It has no moral value. Neither should my weight, though I’m still trying to separate my worth from my appearance. They are two necklaces that have gotten tangled over the course of my 35 years, their thin metal chains tied up in thin metal knots. Eventually, I will pry them apart.

Most days, I feel good in my skin. That said, I am probably never going to love my body, and that’s O.K. I think loving our bodies is not only an unrealistic goal in our appearance-obsessed society but also a limiting one. No one is telling men that they need to love their bodies to live full and meaningful lives. We don’t need to love our bodies to respect them.

And finally, this really struck me —

Finally, wellness also contributes to the insulting cultural subtext that women cannot be trusted to make decisions when it comes to our own bodies, even when it comes to nourishing them. We must adhere to some sort of “program” or we will go off the rails.

We cannot push to eradicate the harassment, abuse and oppression of women while continuing to serve a system that demands we hurt ourselves to be more attractive and less threatening to men.

So that’s where I am today. Don’t know where that’s going to take me, but we’ll see.

FFF 2.0 6-8 & Chakras are Back

Checking-in… Steps are pathetic. I averaged 3,600. Seriously. The high was 5,100 and the low was 2,300. I didn’t go to the beach or walk anywhere all week long. I have been doing some intermittent fasting in a half-assed kind of way and my weight is hovering between 165 and 167. And my some small miracle, my glucose levels are ok.

So this one thing happened – one day, I was talking about walking to the coffee shop and MP says, “What? You’re going to walk up there?”

And I said, “Yeah, I’m thinking I might. Why?”

And he looked at me like I wasn’t very bright and said, “Well, I just remember what happened the last time you did that.”

Which brought it all back in a big rush of unpleasant memory. So I said, all cranky, “Well, that doesn’t mean I can’t ever go for a walk again!” He did his “whatever you say…” shrug, and I thought, “I can go if I want to! That’s silly! I can’t never go for a walk again!”

But I didn’t. I haven’t. I’ve been to the beach, but not walking through the neighborhood or up to the coffee shop. Now it’s become the horse I don’t want to get back on. Ugh.

However, in other news, I signed up for Chakra Dance lessons. Nooooo, not live, are you kidding? They’re on video. And super reasonably priced. And I think they’re going to be lots of fun.

The information about it said:

In an ideal world, when trauma or deep feelings affect us, we experience and assimilate those feelings, and then discharge and release the energy. However, often we don’t fully accept or deal with our inner responses at the time–sometimes we suppress and block the flow of energy and bury the memory and the feelings. The vibration of the trauma then becomes embedded into our bodies and woven into our muscles, joints, and organs. These blocked feelings of guilt, shame, pain, and fear become the tensions in our bodies, the illnesses and diseases we don’t understand.

Releasing blocked energy from our bodies is a vital part of cultivating good health and wellbeing. We might work with therapists or healers, or do whatever inner work we are drawn to do, to understand and process our feelings and experiences. But discharging the holding from our bodies is a vital step in the process that is very often overlooked.

Chakradance is a way of doing this. It’s a deeply healing practice for wellbeing. It uses dynamic moving meditations set to music specially created to resonate vibrationally with each of your 7 main chakras – the energy centers that regulate your whole mind-body-spirit energy system.

As you move your chakras, you’ll open your body to release the stuck energy that is no longer serving you. There is often a release of emotion that takes place; sometimes there is a memory, an image, or a knowing of some kind that arises at the time. As the old energy is discharged, your body will feel fluid and freer. Each time you release another trapped feeling from your body, you let go of an old pattern and you’re freed up to be more present in the moment. And you’ll feel more alive than ever before!

Doesn’t that sound lovely? If you’re interested, here’s the link. If you do it, and want to talk about it, we’ll compare notes.