Remember that weight loss I celebrated in September? Well. It’s gone. Yep. I am just about back to where I was before I started FFF 1.0 in early 2018. February to September was all about losing – September to now has been all about gaining it back.

Over the weekend, we had friends at the house. This was new and exciting, but that’s not what I need to talk about.

You know, where we lived before, I had known people for ages. But Where-We-Live-Now, I haven’t know any of these folks for long. So I’m meeting all these new people, and they’re at our house for the first time, and that’s ok. Now, in my living area, we have a small picture frame on the top of the bookshelf with a picture of me and another one of my sister in our youth.

So this very nice young woman, who I had only seen a couple of times before, looks at the picture and says, “Who’s this?” pointing at my pic.

So of course, I say, “It’s me.”

She looks at me. She looks at the picture. “Really?” she says.

“Um, yes, really.”

“How old were you then?’

With a shrug, “Maybe 30.”

She looks at me, looks at the picture again. “Oh, yeah, I can see it now,” and she smiles.

It’s not til later that the implications of this sink in. Y’all. People who knew me when I was young have always still recognized me. In the grocery, wherever. People I went to high school with would call out my name. But apparently my youthful picture doesn’t look enough like the “me” that I am now at a glance. Or two. She almost couldn’t believe it was me.

The next day, I weighed myself and discovered that I had gained back all my weight. Sigh.

So I went into a panic, a frenzy of self-disparaging, bitter commentary railing at my lack of self-discipline, ugliness, and generally being less than the person I want to be. To avoid despair, I conceived Plan A, which involves taking a dietary supplement that helps push your body into ketosis while still allowing 100 grams of carbs a day (or milligrams, whatever…) Someone I know sells this and has been using it herself with really amazing effects. I was pretty happy with plan, until I saw how much it would cost, and had to accept the harsh financial reality of “not this week, olivia. Or next week either.”

Plan B was just to quit eating altogether, which would have the combined benefit of making me lose weight and save money. But it’s not a sustainable plan.

For Plan C, I began thinking about root causes and how it’s not just me that has this problem. I thought about the times I’ve been able to lose weight pretty easily. That led me down another sad track – I lose weight easily when I’m engaged in a relationship that is, um, sexually engaging. Or on the verge of one. And then when I’m not… I comfort the little sexy side of myself with food instead.

Which is not to blame anyone, right? It’s my body, my life, my frigging responsibility. Sigh.

And I realized that put me right back where I was when I started this blog in March of 2016, and where I was when I decided I needed a Dom on the side. I don’t think I can do that dance again – not the looking for a new Dom dance or the getting MP to be my Dom again dance. (Although I kind of think this might be one phase of the {stupid} dance.)

Anyhow, I finally decided to try something new. Finger tapping. Well, not just tapping my fingers, Emotional Finger Tapping, which is a process. There are, of course, apps and videos on you tube. I’m doing a videos in the morning and then tapping throughout the day when I need to. So far, it seems to be helping, although in fairness, everything helps at first. Thanks to the Willpower book, which I never finished, and other work I’ve half-assed done over the years, I recognize my moments of feel inadequate – crave carbs pretty quickly and that’s when I tap.

I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about tapping here before, but if not, here’s a video that goes through an example of how to do it.

If you can’t access the video here, go to YouTube – Jessica Ortner, Tapping for Weight Loss and Body Confidence.

Anyhow, you make up your own thing to say to yourself while you do it, so that’s helpful for me. Lots of “Even though I want to fix {fill in the blank} I know I can’t and that’s ok. I don’t have to eat to feel better and i can love and accept myself the way I am.” I’m not feeling overwhelmed and fat and hopeless so much anymore, so that’s something. At least I’m back in the game…