FFF 2.0 – 3-29

Sisyphus.

In Greek mythology Sisyphus or Sisyphos was the king of Ephyra. He was punished for his self-aggrandizing craftiness and deceitfulness by being forced to roll an immense boulder up a hill only for it to roll down when it nears the top, repeating this action for eternity.

Wikipedia

Y’all. I have even used this analogy before – I don’t remember if it was here or in one of my other blogs from a different life phase, but – sigh – I’ve been here before.

The spiral of growth, right? I’ve reached the stupid Sisyphus stage again.

What does all this have to do with FFF? Well, you know, I’m fat rather than fit. (Bwhahaha) Step count is 5,400, which is actually within my average range.

And – I feel disconnected and disengaged again. Not connected with my body, with my self, with my own power. I’m making zero progress on my work goals – and I have some very specific steps I could take. If I could only shake off this soul sucking lethargy that I’m experiencing.

Would a spanking do it? Is it really that I’ve lost touch with that submissive part of myself and I need it? I am not feeling any sense of purpose. I don’t feel like I have anything to offer the world that anyone would want. I have that thought, and I immediately crave ice cream. Or sleep.

Whine, whine, whine. Yes, I would like some cheese with that wine, thank you very much.

I would tell you that I’m totally asexual at this point – and that’s true. Unless I read one of Cass Wintermute’s spanking stories. Or David’s. Or start a fantasy in my own head. Then all those sexual parts perk right up and pay attention and do all the things they’re supposed to do. So I haven’t completely lost it. But for all practical purposes, I have.

No, I’m not doing that thing where I reach out to MP again. I’m not. (Digs heels in…) The good times are great, but it takes so frigging long to get there and they’re so frigging brief and it hurts so much when they fade away again. No. He and I are getting along well and connecting in lots of other ways and I have NO reason to believe he wants anything else.

And it takes a tremendous toll on me, emotionally and psychologically, when I let hope build up and then I have to tamp it back down and let it go. This was the last time for that. Don’t misunderstand me, lots of other things have changed for MP and he continues to take more initiative and be lots more engaged in lots of other things. But not anything remotely D/s. Not one single, solitary anything. I’m not riding that particular emotional roller coaster again.

Ok. So I have to find another way to reconnect with my body and get back in shape. Are you getting that deja-vu again feeling? Yep. Me too…

Sunday’s FFF 2.0 – 3-24

Because apparently, I’m just all over the place. Off schedule still, off track, maybe off color too. (Does anybody still use that phrase? Seems unlikely…)

I’m also chunkier than I used to be. I hopped on the scale this morning – y’all. 167. Now I sound surprised – like I didn’t know if I ate a lot and didn’t exercise that I would gain weight. Anyhow. We won’t dwell on that. Maybe that’s the “hitting bottom” I need to turn the corner on what seems to be yoyo dieting for real. Ugh.

And don’t you like the way I make it sound like it’s out of my control? Like it’s something that’s happening outside of me and I just need to wait for the right combination of Magical Motivational Moments. Seriously? No.

Drugs would do it. No, not some script for Wellbutrin or some such, I’m thinking speed. Amphetamines. Of course that would come with a plethora of unwanted side effects… Sigh. Ok, that’s probably not the way to go.

I haven’t read the third chapter of Willpower yet. Probably because I’m not practicing the experiments she recommends in Chapter Two. Maybe I’ll linger another week on them – breathing, sleeping, relaxing, and exercise. The big 4.

In the latest fitbit update, step count was 4,375, with a high yesterday of about 8,000. Smh, ok, new week new energy, new enthusiasm… yada yada. In the good news category, glucose levels have been pretty good, and I think my meter is actually accurate. So that’s something

Ok. I’m off to do laundry and empty the dishwasher. Good times ahead… Spring is here in the south, it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and joy can be found right here in the moment.


Dreams & Spring Solstice

Not the kind of dreams that come true – the kind you have when you’re asleep. I’ve had weird dreams three nights in a row, although I only remember two of them.

“I have dreamt in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind. And this is one: I’m going to tell it – but take care not to smile at any part of it.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

So the first night, I dreamt I was working in restaurants again – a specific restaurant that I used to actually work in with a specific manager who I used to have. I’ll call him Mario. In this dream, I got promoted to management. Nobody told me exactly what that meant or what I was supposed to do. But Mario kept coming to me and telling me I was spending time with the wrong people, the people I was meeting with weren’t the ones I needed to be talking to.

Last night, I dreamt that – I don’t know. The first part of it is kind of hazy. But somehow it was like I was coming back from a different country, or maybe a different world, and I realized I needed a high school diploma to do what I wanted to do. So I went back to high school. That was pretty much a nightmare, as high schools are, and it was expensive and I hated it and then I started missing classes… and it was weird and miserable.

Then I suddenly decided “screw this,” I already have a college degree (which I had somehow forgotten.) I thought, “I don’t need this high school thing – even if I never graduated, I’ve got a college degree – oh, wait, I’ve got TWO colleges degrees, a BA and an MA. They can’t take that away from me. I do not need to go back to school. If I have to do anything, if there’s something missing, I’ll get my GED.”

But once I decided that, I realized that I had ALREADY graduated from high school, years ago!! I didn’t need to be there at all.

So it seems like a clear message to me. (Although I’m probably wrong, dreams aren’t usually a clear message. But still.) My subconscious seems to be telling me that I’m not doing what I need to be doing, somehow I’m approaching it wrong, putting my energy in the wrong direction.

That doesn’t mean I know what to do instead. I don’t know what the right direction will be. I think I need to move into a process of discernment and see what comes up. Or ask my dreaming self tonight what I should be doing!!

I did this whole post thinking Spring Solstice was tomorrow! But no. It’s today. Which is super exciting, cause I love spring!!


Is It Still FFF on Sunday?

Arguably not. The FFF 2.0 boat has actually sailed and i missed it. Sigh.

I am in some kind of a mood. Feel free to walk away now.

I should have posted when I was on vacation. No, seriously. I had a lovely, lovely vacation. Great weather. Trips to the beach. Lots of walking – in the city, on the beach, by the waterfront. MP and his scooter were good walking companions. Lots of good food. In general just a lovely time.

I did over 11,000 steps on two days. I slept about 8 hours a couple of nights. I felt like a new woman.

Apparently I need to retire for real to be healthy. Unfortunately, that is not happening.

I read the 2nd chapter of the Willpower book. There was all kinds of data cited and stories told. The assignment for this week is:

  • Breathe your way to self-control. Slow down your breathing to four to six breaths per minute to shift into the physiological state of self-control.
  • The five-minute green willpower fill-up. Get active outdoors—even just a walk around the block—to reduce stress, improve your mood, and boost motivation.
  • Zzzzzzzzzz. Undo the effects of sleep deprivation with a nap or one good night’s sleep.
  • Relax to restore your willpower reserve. Lie down, breathe deeply, and let the physiological relaxation response help you recover from the demands of self-control and daily stress.

McGonigal Ph.D., Kelly. The Willpower Instinct (p. 54). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Y’all. They basically just said “Get more sleep, exercise, relax, and practice breathing slowly.” This is not new advice. Not rocket science. Not startling revelations. So I laughed. I thought, “Ok, I can do this.”

And I did. While I was on vacation.

Back at home? In bed at 9:00 – back up at 2 a.m. 2,500 steps a day. Mentally, running in place on a hamster wheel. Silly girl.

I’ve gained back 10 pounds. I can’t quit eating. Ok, apparently I won’t quit eating. My glucose levels are great – and I’m pretty sure that’s got to be because my new meter doesn’t work right. No, seriously. I don’t know how else to explain it.

In the last month, my average step count has been 5,300. In the last week, it’s been 5,600. And that counts an 11,000 day. Sad. And now I’m at that point of lethargy where I don’t care. I don’t want to move. I just want to be a big ole slug.

Plus none of the things I’m doing to get clients are working. None of them. We won’t starve or anything, but I hate this. I feel like the quintessential failure.

Anyhow. Here i am. I think this post might sound more bitter than I actually am. I feel more like I”m watching a train wreck from a distance.

But spring starts next week, and hope springs eternal. Tomorrow is a new beginning. As Eleanor Roosevelt said:

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”

FFF 2.0 – 3-7

My successes come and go, This week has been a mixed bag. Some days of eating pretty healthy and walking plenty, other days of neither. Average step count was 4,800. Shrug. I’m only sleeping about 6 and a half hours/night, but some of that is because I’ve been excited about stuff I’m doing, so I guess that’s ok.

On the plus side, I bathed in our tub with jets last night. I started reading a terrific book called “The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down.” I did some co-working and that was great. So lots of things are lovely.

In the pendulum swing of my submissive soul, I’m in the “why bother about this submissive stuff, this is not even a kinky blog” phase again. Which is not exactly news here, there hasn’t been a sign of D/s for ages. But periodically, I just have to put it out there that this is a journal, of sorts, not a kinky blog. Although, now that I think about it, this blog has never had much kink. Sigh..

Between David’s story Journey and Cass Wintermute’s spanking stories, I’m sure that my libido is not actually dead, just on snooze. So I guess that’s good.

MP and I are doing a mini-vacation starting tomorrow, so there may be beach pics coming this way. And always, good times ahead.

Flotsam and Jetsam

I’ve been sorting through things, doing some organizing and cleaning up, getting rid of things I don’t need. Not discarding everything that doesn’t spark joy yet, maybe next year. But getting rid of some stuff.

Then I found this:

It’s a wooden spoon, a small one, maybe an inch and a half in diameter. Just right for pussy spanking. Um, for spanking the lady bits of a submissive girl. I bought it as a gift for Sir, way back in the day when we were fresh and new.

We had lots of tantalizing conversation about it, but it never got used. It’s been an odd anomaly, tucked up with my socks and underwear, then moved to the office area for no apparent reason. That’s where it is today.

It came to mind not too long ago when someone – Fondles, I think – had one that reminded me of it. But here’s mine – and what do I do with it? Goodwill, I suppose. I could just put it in the kitchen, but every time I saw it, I would think of it as a pervertable and feel awkward.

Looking at it, contemplating, the term that came to mind was flotsam and jetsam. I had to go look them up to make sure that was the right term.

… the term “flotsam” refers to a sunken vessel whose goods float to the surface of the sea, or any floating cargo that is cast overboard.[5]

The term “jetsam” designates any cargo that is intentionally discarded from a ship or wreckage… Generally, “jettisoning” connotes the action of throwing goods overboard to lighten the load of the ship if it is in danger of being sunk.[5]

And yes. That’s what it is. Damn spoon. The remains of the wreckage of my D/s relationship.

Now that I’ve shared my dramatic feelings about it, I’ll send it off to Goodwill. Someone will use it in the kitchen, never dreaming that it once represented some kinky hopes and dreams.


Woe is me…

Alas and alack…

Ok, just kidding…

Willpower I + March Q & A

Ok. I’m going to do this willpower challenge in the book I’m reading. Cause just reading the book is not going to be enough to make the changes I really want to make. Cause you know, just reading the book is never actually enough – you have to actually do something different.

It’s a 10 week thing. Here’s the challenge this week:

This week, commit to watching how the process of giving in to your impulses happens. You don’t even need to set a goal to improve your self-control yet. See if you can catch yourself earlier and earlier in the process, noticing what thoughts, feelings, and situations are most likely to prompt the impulse. What do you think or say to yourself that makes it more likely that you will give in?

In the reading this time, she broke down the challenge into 3 parts – I will, I won’t, and I want. In terms of my own goal:

  1. I will eat healthy and exercise.
  2. I won’t choose high fat and high carb food to binge on at night.
  3. I want to lose 20 pounds in the next 6 months, reduce my glucose levels, feel better, and fit my clothes better.

On Fridays, I’ll still do FFF 2.0, thank you, Fondles, for keeping that going. But on Sundays, I’ll read the next chapter of the book, report in on how my challenge has gone, and name the next challenge.

In other news, Jz’s post reminded me that March is Question & Answer month, so if you have any pressing questions for me – or impertinent questions – or any questions at all – now is the time…