FFF 10-26

4,862.  That’s my sad little average step count this week.  Ugh.

Not enough.

I’m not taking enough steps, not drinking enough water.   Not spending enough time on my classes or building my website.   Not spending enough time on my regular job.  Not writing enough.  Not managing my diet well enough.  Not sleeping enough.

Not enough.

Not.

Not.

Not.

Ok, that is enough of that.  I’m through being all blues’d out, for the moment anyhow.

I am enough.  I – me, myself, I – I am enough.  I need to move – inside as well as outside.  I need to breathe more deeply, move with grace.

I may not know what’s going to happen next, but right this minute, everything is fine.

If you have food in your refrigerator,
clothes on your back, a roof over
your head and a place to sleep,
you are richer than 75% of this world.

I’m watching the grandkids this weekend, so that will be fun.  And absorbing.  I have a life of abundance and countless opportunities for joy.

I don’t believe in the law of attraction, but I believe that my life is already rich.  It is enough.

Even when it’s not.  🙂

 

FFF 10-19

And here we are again.

Reporting in – step count is DOWN.  5,924.  Weight is UP.  I would like for that to be the other way around.  Ok, and maybe my weight is not actually up, but hovering around 156, 157.  Sigh. 

I feel kind of old today.  When I look at the challenges ahead of me, career wise, I just feel tired.  Not quite overwhelmed, but a lack of energy or enthusiasm.  Like it’s going to be so much work, I wish I could just retire instead.  Just potter around all day.  Read books for fun and play with my grand kids.  That kind of for-real retired.

I don’t usually feel this way.  I imagine it’ll pass.  And maybe it’s just because I got some constructive feedback on my website that was really helpful but also gave me an idea of the scope of the work I need to do.

And I need time to devote to it, and focus for it, and even psychic energy.  It’s not impossible.  It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time – not exactly in this form, but in some form.

At the same time, the classes I’m taking have a bunch of assignments that challenge me to go deep into myself and explore my feeling.  Pull on my wisdom.  All that good stuff.

So I’d like to feel excited about it.  And I’m sure I will again at some point.  Right now, today, it just seems like a lot of work.  When really, I’m pretty much at an age that lots of people are finishing their careers, not looking to start new ones.

However.  I have a lovely life in lots of ways.  I don’t have to get everything done today, or even this week.  Or month.  I have time.   I need to plan what I’m going to do, build a new timeline.  Look at all the things I want to create and figure out all the steps I need to take and just plan it out.

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But I don’t have to do it all today.

The Weekend

So much loveliness. First, there was date night. A glass of wine and appetizers on a rooftop bar overlooking the river. Then dinner with some of my favorite actually low-carb food.

We had such a good time, and were so late getting back to the house that everyone was in bed. It was the perfect opportunity for some serious spanking and good times.

It had been so long since I had been spanked, that I was more sensitive than I expected to be. But I was able to settle into it, reminded myself that I needed it, and both enjoyed and appreciated it.   It was followed by orgasms and lots of cuddles. Life is pretty good.

Of course,  Sunday is beach day. So I am actually writing this from my usual cozy spot on the sand  The ocean is fairly calm today, and I’m enjoying that .

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There is still lots and lots of stuff going on in my life and I’m way busier than I want to be.   But it is mostly all good stuff, so I truly can’t complain. Also, because I am always looking for new ways to experiment with managing my life, or maybe just always looking  for new things to add onto my plate, I have been reading up on Qigong. It is fascinating. More on that later.

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FFF – 10-12

The theme for today’s post is sleep – lovely, elusive, delightful, can’t-get-enough-of-it sleep.

“Even a soul submerged in sleep
is hard at work and helps
make something of the world.”
Heraclitus, Fragments

But not I.  Wide awake since about 3:30 this morning.  Sigh.

“Insomnia is a variant of Tourette’s–the waking brain races, sampling the world after the world has turned away, touching it everywhere, refusing to settle, to join the collective nod. The insomniac brain is a sort of conspiracy theorist as well, believing too much in its own paranoiac importance–as though if it were to blink, then doze, the world might be overrun by some encroaching calamity, which its obsessive musings are somehow fending off.”
Jonathan Lethem, Motherless Brooklyn

That’s better. I kind of like the idea that my inability to sleep is somehow preventing a world disaster.  At least that makes it worthwhile.

I’m an insomniac, my mind works the night shift.”
Pete Wentz, Gray

Ok, enough of that nonsense.  Well, maybe one more:

“. . . her energy existed in precious spools that came unwound faster than she liked.”
Zoje Stage, Baby Teeth

Isn’t that lovely?   And so true…

However.  My step count this week?  I averaged 8,700 steps.  Yes, seriously.  Of course those numbers reflect a new all-time high count of over 15,000 while i was wandering the streets of New Orleans.  Still, that’s exciting to see.

On the other hand, I’m only sleeping about 6 hours/night.  I can run on 6 hours, but not well, not over time.  So you know, there’s that.

And – here’s why i’m going to have to do FFF forever – i’m actually gaining weight.  My range has shifted upwards.  It’s true.  So i have to put a stop to that.  i’ve come too far to go back now.

i feel like i’m busy and overwhelmed too much of the time.  And just tired all the damn time.

It’s ok.  This too will pass.  I’m making progress in lots of things.  There’s just so much i want/need to do, you know?  Life is good, it’s just a lot.

Ok, i’m gonna lie back down and see if I can snooze for a bit.  And console myself with this:

“From the tattered edges of an exhausted mind, inspiration blooms… mental filters disintegrate and walls crumble, as the ocean of creativity washes over everything.”
Jaeda DeWalt

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FFF – 10-5

Good grief, the weeks fly by.  One minute it’s last Friday, and the next thing I know, I wake up and it’s this Friday.

shallow focus of clear hourglass

AND i’m not doing so well this week in terms of food and nutrition.  Too many carbs.  My glucose levels are not always as low as I want.  Last night, I ate a whole sleeve of Ritz crackers right before I went to bed.  That is NOT GOOD.

My step count is decent thought – apparently, I hit my 7,000/day average goal over the last 7 days, although I’m surprised to see that.  It didn’t seem like I was doing that well.  I guess this why we rely on actual data rather than what it “seems like.”  🙂

My weight is inching up a bit though – not actually gaining, just showing up in the upper ends of my range.  Which is another reason to get the food situation under control again.

But i miss carbs.  Pasta. Doritos.  I love those things soooo much, you don’t know.  Ice cream.  Ice cream is the best.    Sigh.  And it’s not like I can’t ever have any, but that’s a slippery slope, one that i’m all too ready to slide down with gusto.

Sir and i have been having date night, and that’s been great, but not playtime.  Which has been ok, i haven’t actually been in the mood.  But I think i probably need to be spanked.

i think – i might be wrong, but i think – that Sir is not pushing it because of the things that are happening in this country with men and abuse and so on.  i think he’s been wise to not push, i have been having a really hard time.  And of course it’s not the same at all.

But still.  I have felt like my skin was over-sensitive, like – like i would cringe away from touch.  Yeah.

So now i need to ask him.  i think i can do that.  Of course i can do that.  There was a time that i wouldn’t have, but the times, they are a-changing.   i will just say it.

(Yes, i have to do this…  If you can’t see it or play, it’s Bob Dylan from 1964 doing “The Times They Are A-Changing.”  Of course.)

I’ll just do it.  “Sir, i think i need to be spanked, please.”

i can do that.  Of course i can.  And then he’ll do it and we’ll both be glad we did.

Maybe i’ll practice saying it first.  In the mirror.  But it would be silly not to do it.  It’s like it’s own special form of self-care.

Oh, hmmmm, I just did it.   He’s sitting at the table near-by (and can’t see what i’m writing.)  But i just leaned over and quietly said it.

And he agreed.  With some enthusiasm.  And thanked me for acknowledging the need and asking.  Sweet!!  And now i don’t have to worry about it anymore.