Mother Ocean

i almost didn’t go to the ocean today.

It looked like rain.

I was tired.

I had a lot to do.

Thank goodness, i went anyhow.

I got to see the many faces of the sky, the amazing variety of cloud formations.

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And the ocean today was fierce.  UQH9pit0T%WLvBFnlNRywQ

Waves roaring up…



Rushing in…


Swirling up around me quicker than I could back away from.

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…then rolling back away, as if it had changed its mind.  Teasing me to follow it.


This song has been playing in my head all day.


FFF 9-29 (on Saturday)

I didn’t quite realize that yesterday was Friday.  Ok, that sounds silly, but it’s true.  I’m traveling for work and that’s always a little bit like being in a separate universe.  So i knew it was Friday, my brain just didn’t connect it to being here.  Until about 3 o’clock in the morning.

When i was suddenly wide awake in my hotel room  That’s not the only reason i couldn’t go back to sleep, but it was the most pleasant.  So here i am, reporting in.

I think my weight is the same range, although I’m not seeing that 154 as often as I’d like.  But it’ll happen.  I’m really noticing the difference in my clothes, and looking forward to trying on some jeans that i haven’t worn in a few years.

The most exciting news, fitness-wise, is that i’ve discovered i can use a treadmill again.  The last times i tried – a number of years ago – i was having more trouble with my knees.  When i’d go for a walk, which i did pretty often to start my mornings back then, my knee would “pop out” of place while i was walking.  I’d have to stop and bend my leg up a couple of times to get it to “pop back in”  So that wasn’t a big deal when i was going for a walk, but when i tried to walk on the treadmill, my knee would pop out of place, and i’d have to jump to the side of the treadmill on the other leg real quick so i didn’t fall on my face.

It was just as scary as it sounds.  After a couple of times, I was just like, um, no, the treadmill is not my friend.  I actually had one that i got rid of when we remodeled the basement about 5 years ago.

So – Thursday, i was here in the hotel and started watching the fiasco in the Senate.  By the time it ended, i was sort of agitated and half sick at my stomach.  i wanted to go for a walk, but it was raining pretty hard.  So i decided i’d try the treadmill in the hotel.  i figured i’d just take it slow, and it would be better than nothing.

When i got to the fitness center, the TV was on – and of course, just my luck, it was on the rehash of the hearing.  I quickly realized i wasn’t going to be able to tune it out.  And i hadn’t brought my phone and earbuds.

There was only one other person in the room, a middle aged white man, sweating hard.   He had just gotten off a treadmill, so i asked him if it would be ok to change the channel.

He said, “Actually, I’m watching that,” which was, of course, a perfectly reasonable response.

So without really thinking about it, i said, “Oh, ok,” and went to the door, adding, “I’ll leave – I really came down here to get away from that.  I was watching it in my room, and just couldn’t listen anymore.”  And i would have been quite ok with leaving,.

But he quickly said, “Oh, that’s ok, I’ve only got one more rep, I’ll change it.”  And he did.  He asked me what I wanted to watch, but i absolutely didn’t care as long as it wasn’t the political thing.  I thanked him, maybe not as profusely as i felt the thanks, and started the treadmill.

It’s almost funny how much i appreciated him changing the channel.  That’s something to think about, isn’t it?  It felt redemptive, a reminder that men can be considerate, at a time when i was remembering all the sexual assaults and rapes that i’ve experienced and that i’ve heard about from other women. That one kind act of his will always be part of what i remember from the nightmarish day of testimony in the Senate.

And i was proud of myself for asking, and for not just sucking it up and staying when he said he was watching the program – which was perfectly reasonable.

Anyhow.  So i walked on the treadmill for a while – and it was fine!!  No problems with my knees!   Now, don’t imagine me running or jogging.  i went slow.  Like not quite 3 miles/hour.  But my knee was fine.

And i did it again yesterday – and i’m about to go do it again in a little bit here!   This means that my Y membership might not be a complete waste of money – how cool is that?  It’s only about a mile from my house, I’m thinking for real i’m going to try to go at least 3 x’s a week.  So there’s a new goal!!

And that’s my check-in.  Hope that you’re all taking care of yourselves these days..




Fall at the Beach

Still warm, but definitely wet. With a hint of chill almost in the air.

Of course I never believe it’s actually going to rain unless it actually is, so I came to the beach this morning anyhow. Looks like it might let up enough to go for a walk. Either way, I’m just glad that I’m here

image.jpgBut hope is on the way. Yes, that is sunshine in the distance!

Autumn Equinox & Letting Go

I’m not sure what meaning to find in the beginning of fall here in the south.  Ok, not the deepest south, but still.  Pretty far south in the US.

It’s not getting cold.  A bit cooler, i suppose, but not cold, and unlike ‘nilla from Vanillamom, i would not be thrilled to feel a chill in the air.  This will be my second fall without freeze and i’m excited about it.

Pumpkin lattes, turkey dinner, marshmallows and hot chocolate – meh.  No, thanks.

But then what meaning does the change of seasons bring?  I was googling images and ran across this one, with the heading…

Letting go of what no longer serves


And that resonated with me.  Letting go of what no longer serves.  What does that look for me now, in this season of my life?

The quick and easy answer is getting rid of stuff in my house – i’m still – almost 5 months post-move – not organized the way I had planned to be.  And some of that is needing to get rid of things.  So, hmmmm, I could put that back on the FFF agenda.

Another thing that goes through my mind – i had a meeting last week with a couple of people i work with who are on a different team.  They have an external facing role, and we do things that support them being able to do that job.  Neither team could do their job without the other.   So I always feel like we share goals and should be working collaboratively.

I’m pretty sure that the people i meet with from the other team feel very differently about our roles.  I’m pretty sure that they feel like they need to protect their team from my team.   Which doesn’t make for a warm and fuzzy collaboration.  So they tend to be stiff and smile through tight lips while their eyes stay cool and distant.

i noticed in this last meeting, that i smile too much and talk too much with them.  I realize that I’m trying way too hard to connect with them on some kind of personal level when really, that connection is NOT going to happen.  And i’m pretty sure that i just look weak to them when i try too hard.  It doesn’t make me feel good afterwards.  And it doesn’t accomplish anything.

That’s a practice that no longer serves me.

I need to stop it.

i’m sure it’s not the only thing i do that i could stop, let go of, or release.  But it is so much easier-said-than-done.  (In fact, i think maybe i’ve had this particular realization before.  Sigh.  And still i do some kind of two-step razzle dazzle trying to connect.  Ugh.)

But it’s something to think about.  Letting go of what no longer serves.

What would that mean for you?



FFF 9-20

And it happened, y’all, a new number on the scale.  “4.”  Yes, as in 154.  Point 2.  That’s right.  154.2  Party is at my house – come on over!

Step average is about 5,400, which is not all that good, but hey.  154.2  I’m doing something right.

But the big treat today (now that i’m through basking in the sunshine of lost weight) is this video.  Have you seen it yet?  If not – well, I laughed.  A lot.  Soooo much.


{It should be embeded, but if it’s not, google video woman putting on spanx.  It should be a youngish woman with dark hair.  It tickled me immensely.}

But then i am of the era of panty girdles and mesh stockings.  Only in my teens – early teens at that.  Then it was all panty hose – followed by burning our bras and throwing away stockings all together.  These days, I don’t even wear pantythose.  I cannot imagine squeezing myself into spanx and am baffled by women who do.  Not judging them, you understand.  But it’s like ironing, something that I think should be relegated to history.

On the other hand, i can enjoy dressing up in a lacy garter belt and stockings with a fine seam in the back.  That’s a whole different ball game.

Ok, enough of this nonsense.  My scale continues to inch it’s way down.  (Pound it’s way down?)  Haha…  and I hope you enjoyed the video as much as i did.



FFF – 9-14-18

Happy Friday!

I am going home today, and ready to be there, I think.  These few days on retreat,  i’ve tried not to get too attached to outcome.  So i haven’t been born again or made new while i was here, and that’s ok too.

i think it’s been a “Middle Way” kind of retreat.  Some meditation, some relaxation, some exercise.  Reading for fun. Just sitting. And i avoided the trap of telling myself, “Oh, this is great, i need to do more of this.”  i just did however much i did.

i saw deer up close, from my window, but still really close.  And river dolphins.

i took my time doing the things i did.  By last night, i was slowed down enough to just sit on the back porch for a while.

I might have lost weight, i might have gained weight, who knows… i haven’t been near a scale since Tuesday.  My step average was 6,800 though, which pleases me.  And i even did some aerobic exercise (dancing.)  So that’s cool.

Dancing was one of my original goals for FFF, so maybe i’ll be able to reengage with that.  Or maybe not.  Whatever, it was fun this week.

And i have a cold and feel a little bit worse today.  Sigh.  In fact, i’m going to lie back down for a little bit now .

On Retreat

I’m taking a couple of days off to myself this week. Staying at a wonderful retreat center on the river. Here’s the sunrise.

Last night, I had turned off all the lights and was lying in bed playing with my massager. Suddenly, the kitchen light came on. Yes, out of the blue, kitchen light was suddenly on. A bright light. I was stunned, but after a minute I realized there could not be anybody in the house that turned it on. I got up and turned it off. Went back to the bedroom, which is right next to it. I sat on the edge of the bed and thought about it for a minute or two. After all, that’s a little freaky.

However, I finally decided that if it was anything ghostly or scary, that it would have to happen again. Until then, I was not going to worry about it.  So I went back to playing with my massager and  finally fell asleep.

As you can tell, I do have some Internet access. However, it’s limited, so that’s good.

Finding my zen…