FFF – 4-13

Reporting in – my scale is still in a box somewhere, one of the 3 or 4 left that say “Bathroom.”  We’re losing some bathroom space in this move, which is why one reason everything is not unpacked yet.  Also because there are a million boxes. Ok, not a million – but honestly 100.  I know because they’re numbered.

I think i might have lost a pound – i’m not over-eating and i’m getting a lot more movement in my life.  But who knows.

Regardless, i’m feeling good.  Physically, just more comfortable and – stretched out, i guess.

Oh – step count!   Last week, i did a little bit over 35,000 – which is considerably better than the week before, when I only did about 28,000.  So i’ve gone from an average of 4,000/day to an average of about 5,000.  Woohooo!  But i’m killing ’em this week, just wait for next week’s results!  Oh, course the real challenge will be to see if i can keep it up once i’m back at work, but no point in crossing bridges this far ahead of time.

As for organizing stuff- omg, that’s really the main thing i’m doing!

For fun- yesterday, i had my sister and brother-in-law over for dinner – take-in, seafood, of course.   Grilled shrimp and grilled flounder.  About one-fourth of a baked potato and half a hush puppy.  (Which we were just talking about over at Jz’s place!  Hush puppies, that is.)

Started a blog post yesterday, but didn’t get around to finishing it.  Maybe tomorrow.   Still reading and enjoying Jane YellowRock.

And that’s it!   Goal for today is to replace all the contact paper and unpack the kitchen.  Going out for brunch with my sister this morning – sunrise on the beach tomorrow – this is the life!

Day Six of My Vacation

Day SIX???  HOW can it be day six?  I don’t feel 6 days worth of vacated — I mean, vacationed.  This is hump day for my vacation too – 5 days before, 5 days left after today.

Ok, no point in bemoaning the end while I’m in the middle.  Yesterday, i spent most of the day working on getting the last items out of the apartment and unpacking enough that we can live in the house.  Um, barely live.  But still…  Also arranging and rearranging furniture.  No coffee shop for me.  Had a late lunch with MP that was pretty delicious though, so that was nice.

And then – last night, when I was just too tired to  open/move/decide one more thing – i treated myself to Skinwalker, first book in the Jane Yellowrock series that Jz mentioned.    It is just as lovely as Jz suggested that it might be.  So that was my big pleasure yesterday – discovering a whole new series, available in seconds on my lovely Kindle.  Read just long enough that I couldn’t keep my eyes open one more second, and stumbled off to bed.

Today I’ll be unpacking and cleaning and putting away for the most part.  This evening, I’m going to a yoga class with my one friend here – one and only, so far.  But that’s exciting.  AND if the sun comes out and it warms up like they’re promising, I’m going to try to slip away for a beach walk.  We’ll see.

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Moving Day at Last!

Finally.  When I wake up tomorrow, I’ll be in the new house.  Yikes.  And I won’t have internet.  Booo.  So I know my treat tomorrow will be going to my favorite cafe and getting on-line.

In keeping with my effort to make sure i do something for myself everyday, i looked at the list of 100 Pleasurable Activities for Adults and got some ideas from that.  That was kind of fun all by itself.  And I danced yesterday, just in the living room, amid the 100 boxes.  Chuck Berry and the Twist – which, just for the record, I was still a child when that came out.  But I can still do the twist.  Maybe not as well as I once did.

And I committed a radical act of rebellion.  Brace yourselves.  I changed the steps goal on my Fitbit.  Yes, i really did.  10,000 steps just seems ridiculously unlikely to me – even yesterday, when i was moving around almost all day, i wasn’t even close.  Remember, my average last week was only about 4,000 steps /day.  What are the chances that i’m going to do 2 and a half times that many today and most days?  Slim to none.  So I changed it to 7,000 steps.  That’s still a stretch, but not utterly out of reach.  I’ll keep it at 7,000 for a month and then raise the bar if appropriate.  (Which, for some reason, makes me think about doing the Limbo and shades of my youth.  You know, lowering the bar…  I was going to add a picture for that, but the images were almost all of people who looked like they were drinking.  A lot.  Maybe there’s a reason for that.)

Anyhow.

In other news, i think my Chakras are probably a bit unbalanced, but i’m not sure yet what to do about it.  i think my Sacral Chakra is overactive, my heart Chakra might be a bit overactive, and my Third Eye Chakra might be underactive.  But it’s not so much that there needs to be balance between, or among, them.  Each one needs to be in its own balance. Lots to think about and explore here.

Ok.  Time to get to work.  Good times ahead…

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Vacay Day 2

Yesterday, i got lots of packing done, which is good, and felt good.  Then i read an entire book in the Alpha and Omega series.  This is a 5 book series (so far) connected to the Mercy Thompson series that Jz referenced.  i just re-read the whole series – Mercy included – as a prelude to the last book that was just released.  It was lovely.

Friday night, we went out as planned with my sister and her husband, but my new (and only) friend i’ve made here came too – and we had a really wonderful time.   She’s funny and smart and sensitive and has some wisdom of her own.  She and my sister hit it off, MP likes her, it was a blast.

Today is the final packing day, and we’ll probably move some stuff to the new place ahead of time.  i have no idea what i’ll do for myself today – but i’m sure i’ll figure something out.

i’m intrigued by some articles on Chakras that fondles posted links to on her blog – maybe doing something with that is on my agenda for today.  I did the meditation exercise they describe, but am not sure i really got in touch with my Chakras.  I’ve been trying to think of a the best (easiest) way to record some brief meditations like that, so i can do them without having to stop and read what comes next.  I think i could just do it on Photo Booth (on my Mac) but am not sure how to store them for easy access.  Plus, I’d really like to just have audio, I don’t need a video of me doing it.

Anyhow.  That would be kind of fun and maybe there will be a chance – maybe I’ll carve out time  – to play with that later.

In other news, next Sunday there’s a munch – well, they call it a “social” here – but it’s a dinner gathering of kinky folks.   You have to go to one of these to be able to go to a play party.  The price of going is that i’ll have to have the long postponed chat with MP.   This isn’t the last chance to do it, it’s kind of the first.  But it might be the right time to bite the bullet and do it.  We’ll see.

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FFF – 4-6

My scale is packed – i don’t know if i lost, gained, or stayed the same.  Stay tuned til next week for any big announcements on that!

I’m only part way through the week with my Fitbit so i’m going to be reporting the step count from last week each time i check in.  The count for the week was just a little bit under 30,000, which means I only averaged a little bit over 4,000 steps per day.  i think that’s kind of pathetic, but when you factor in that i have a very sedentary job – well, it is what it is.  It’s good to have a low baseline, and i can still improve this week.

FWIW, there’s almost no clutter in my life at the moment.  Um, yeah, it’s all in boxes.  Except for my super messy desk, which is going to be a last minute thing.

The best thing to report is that six days out of the last seven my glucose readings have all been in the normal range.  That’s taking them at different times each day, so that’s good.  The one that was too high was clearly the result of some over-indulgence, and even it wasn’t too terrible.

Ok, whew, report done.

And i’m on vacation. Sing it, opera style:  Vaaaaa-caaaaa-tionnnn!!  Hit a high note on that last syllable.  There ya go! Or you could do it like the figaro-figaro-figaro song.  You know, from the opera Figaro.  If you don’t know what I mean, youtube it.  Figaro’s Aria, about the 3 minute mark.

I went to look it up and discovered with some sense of dismay that i know a whole bunch of those opera songs.  Funiculi Funicula for one, which just made me giggle.  I could sing “Vacation” to that tune too.  AND i know La Donna e Mobile!   i think – i guess my mother used to play them?  Or sing them?  I don’t really know the words to them – ok, sometimes the refrain.  Not the verses.  But I sure know the music and the feel of them.  Which is probably not so weird – except i didn’t quite realize it.

Anyhow.

I’m beginning to think about what  i want to do with this time off work, other than moving stuff.  i suggested to MP that we go somewhere out of town this weekend – there are a couple of place under two hours away that would be fun – but he doesn’t want to do that.  “First weekend in our new home…”  So ok.

But i really don’t want to spend all my time doing the necessary and mundane.  Clearly it will be up to me to craft a plan that works for me.  i challenge myself now to do at least one thing that is just for me every day.

This is Day One.  I’m going to get my hair done – that counts I think – and going out with my sister and brother-in-law for a while tonight.  MP will join us when he can.  Mabye tomorrow i’ll make a list of things to consider in making my plans – things i would enjoy.  Maybe i’ll write some erotica.  Definitely going to walk on the beach more than once.  Maybe do something else with my sister.   Maybe…

{Wanders off thinking of all the pleasures ahead…}

 

Day 1,000

Day 1,000 of packing and still not having moved…

Lol, ok, maybe not really a thousand days – that’s the “feels like” count.  But the movers don’t come til Monday so we’re in really good shape.

This morning, i packed my secret stash of real guilty pleasure books – the “can’t pass for educational” kinky books that have been hidden away in a cabinet in my bedroom.  They fit perfectly in one book box. i had forgotten that i actually have a copy of Story of O, which is good to know.

I have some other books that i haven’t even read – one on Tantric Sex that i think i should be more interested in than i actually am.  In theory, i’m very interested, but the last time i sat down with the book, i couldn’t really make myself do any of the practices.

I’m re-intrigued, however, by this comment i ran across recently:

“My friend Sean recently wowed me by casually mentioning that he had just attended a three-day tantric sex workshop where the end goal was, well, for no end goal. “The point,” he said, “is to channel all the sexual energy that would normally leave during an orgasm, back into your body. It gives you so much energy!”

So maybe i do want to revisit the book.  I can at least put it on my To-Do list, under the sub-heading “Procrastination.”

One more work day, and almost all the things i thought i’d never get done are actually done and i only have a couple of things i have to do today.  I mean, it’s a full day’s work, but not excessive, so that’s exciting.  I can go into my not-really-a-vacation time with a clear conscience.  And now i’m wondering about fun things i might want to do, beyond packing and unpacking and cleaning and such.

But – speaking of procrastination – i had no sooner written about the word than i flipped to FB and saw this:

“It turns out procrastination is not typically a function of laziness, apathy or work ethic as it is often regarded to be. It’s a neurotic self-defense behavior that develops to protect a person’s sense of self-worth.

You see, procrastinators tend to be people who have, for whatever reason, developed to perceive an unusually strong association between their performance and their value as a person. This makes failure or criticism disproportionately painful, which leads naturally to hesitancy when it comes to the prospect of doing anything that reflects their ability — which is pretty much everything.” 

– David Cain

Which i know is true.  Sigh…  So i guess i’ll work on that.  Someday.  🙂

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Love

There was a time in my life that i was very focused on love.  Not romantic love, although there was some of that back then too, but what I thought of as “agape love .”  A more spiritual version of love, love that is unconditional.  God-like, perhaps.

My guiding principal was to do everything i did with love.  That absolutely didn’t mean being weak or letting people treat me any way they felt like, I had too many things in my life that required toughness and hard decisions.  Too many people with conflicting needs to balance.

It was literally a question i asked myself throughout the day, “How do i do this with love?”  Which is not to say i always succeeded, or even ever succeeded really, but the effort created a warmth within me that felt like it made life worth living.

Pema Chodron says:

“When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it’s bottomless, that it doesn’t have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space.”
― Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living

I don’t feel that in the same way, and i’m not sure what’s changed.

Life is still worth living – absolutely!  That’s not what i’m saying at all.  But it’s different. i think i was more invested in living in the moment then, maybe?  i don’t know.  But i am different now.

Pema also says:

“We have a choice. We can spend our whole life suffering because we can’t relax with how things really are, or we can relax and embrace the open-endedness of the human situation, which is fresh, unfixated, unbiased.”
― Pema Chödrön, Living Beautifully: with Uncertainty and Change

When i wonder if i need to recapture how i was then, i remind myself that how i am is not “wrong,” it’s different.  If i miss how it was then, ok.  That’s fine.  But i think it is more about being where i am and staying in tune with where i’m going.  There’s no need to label things – not better or worse, not worthy or unworthy.

On a much more mundane note, i am going to start limiting how late in the evening i eat.  Realistically, i think i can do a 6:30 cutoff, 7:00 if there are extraneous factors.  It worked last night to limit my hours long “dinner,” and that would be helpful.  And i’m going to start including my step count in my check-in – even if it’s pretty pathetic.  Just paying attention to it is one thing I can do to see if it changes.

And i would like to slow down.  i made some mistakes at work last week – not major mistakes, minor things that just made me look careless.  One of them inconvenienced others, which was not my goal.  They were little things that happened because i got to the end of something i was working and thought i was “finished” just a couple of minutes too quickly.  Clicked “send”or logged out without checking to make sure the work was really complete.

i’m not beating myself up for that, it really was all minor.  But i’m taking it as an opportunity to make a small change.  To make sure a document is stored where other people can get to it, that a draft email is finalized without dangling bits and pieces before it goes out.  AND to do it without moving back into anxious perfectionism!  That’s the real challenge.

i feel like, maybe, i am on the verge of something.  You know?  Like i am growing in ways that i don’t recognize, because they’re new.  Working on relaxing and embracing the open-endedness of it.  Feeling open and curious.

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