My Soul in a Vise Grip – and What About those Chakras?

/ olivia

{Saturday}

Ok, I’ve been feeling a bit less like pond scum since I was assured that there would be no problem finding my cat a good home, so that’s helpful.  I’m discovering that now I’m just really sad.  That sense of relief I was expecting has not kicked in yet and I keep crying.  Little things are making me cry – not all of them connected directly to the cat, but to feeling a sense of loss.

My job is one of the things that’s been difficult today.  I wanted to take some time off to grieve, but wasn’t able to do that because of some projects that are coming up.  And I feel like I’m being micro-managed to the point of not being able to move.  I don’t do so well with that.  So between that and missing my cat, I feel like this:

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Ok, so that’s a picture of a heart in a vice grip, not a soul.  That’s because I could not find a picture of a soul in a vise grip.   In fact, when you google images for soul, you get pictures like this:

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And I’m pretty sure you couldn’t even get that into a vise grip, much less tighten the grip.

Anyhow.  My heart is probably a bit pinched too.

So then i started thinking about how out of alignment my Chakras must be about now.  And wondering which ones were really out of whack.  So I pulled up this image:

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and pondered. My solar plexus – energy, vitality, desire/power – feels off.  I feel a lack of energy and a lack of power.

My heart Chakra is definitely unbalanced.  I needed to re-home my cat, for his sake and for mine.  It would have been nice if i could have done that with love and compassion – for him and for me.  Instead, i carried anger and shame.

And my throat Chakra.  Communication, creativity, and healing.  I’m not feeling a sense of creativity or healing.  I feel dry.  As if i could choke on my words, or need to moisten them with tears.  My well of creativity feels dry.  And i’m in need of healing – and not in touch with resources with in myself to make that happen.

Clearly, with those Chakras unbalanced, the Third Eye can’t possibly be balanced, and I assure you it isn’t.

Also, y’all know that i have no idea if i’m doing this Chakra thing right, but it feels right to me, and maybe it’s helpful.

{Sunday…}

Feeling better today, and beginning to feel more balanced too, thank goodness.  It occurred to me sometime after i started this yesterday that i have dismantled my life as it was and am rebuilding it slowly.  Stop and think about that for a minute.

In my 60s and I have taken my life as it was and essentially removed just about everything.  The things around me – where i lived, my house, my volunteer work, my office, my clients, friends i could see irl, and some of my identities – gone.  And i’m continuing the process.  i guess eventually i’ll be stripped down to the most essential me.

Except i’m also adding back on.  A new house, a closer connection with family, a new career path, new identities…

It is not surprising that i am a bit out of whack.  It’s not surprising that i am out of sorts more often than i used to be.  It is possible that i need to be more patient and less irritated with myself.  This morning, it seems like i might be able to do that.

This is not exactly the BDSM blog i once thought it would be either.  So there’s that.  But while there’s life, there’s hope, right?

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21 thoughts on “My Soul in a Vise Grip – and What About those Chakras?”

  2. YES! You’ve begun stripping yourself of one “you” and rebuilding. I’d imagine there’s a sense of loss of self with that, yes? You are doing a massive overhaul of the psyche. AND working full time. And setting up house AGAIN. Be gentle with yourself!

    I can only imagine how painful a process this is. My spouse and I have begun talking about our child-free years…and it comes with no small amount of fear and feelings of loss. I do miss my ‘littles’ and it seems like tomorrow they’ll be gone. It’s still years away, but those years seem to be going ever faster, with them off and about running here and there and becoming their own selves (not just extensions of me and spouse anymore!)

    If it helps, I so admire your courage to begin again. I think I’ll die here in the home I’ve lived in so long-I can’t imagine living anywhere else, despite the fucking snow. (grin) Winters here are hard on the spirit, but the spring makes it so very worthwhile.

    …still…maybe someday I’ll have the fortitude to do as you have and begin anew.

    Sending you waves of calming energy. And you have that big old ocean out there to help you re=align yourself.

    love and peace, dear beloved,

    nilla

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    • Dear ‘Nilla, Sorry to be the one to break the news to you but – Your “littles” will be grown and gone before you know it. Yep. It’s true. 🙂

      But thanks for the recognition, it helps to have that affirmation from you, I appreciate it. I can’t imagine you living anywhere other than where you do either!! But if you ever decide you’re going to do it, you will.

      I sure appreciate those waves of calming energy – I think they’ve gotten to me. 🙂 And I did work in an ocean walk today, so that helped too. That does make it all worthwhile.

      Love and peace to you too, dearheart

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  3. Your blog is just fine. I’m the last person in the world who should pontificate on kink, but I know enough about it to say that honesty is at the heart (root?) of BDSM. Your blog is honest. From that honesty comes power. And you can’t have a “power exchange” unless there is some “power” there to begin with.

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  4. Olivia, I know it’s a lot for you to be changing at once but I think as long as you stay pure of heart in your endeavors, you will be pleasantly and peacefully surprised as the amazing authentic fabulous you.
    Amy

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    • Thanks, Roz – good to know you’ve survived it too – and are still making changes! I’ve done big changes before too, but this is definitely the biggest – and I imagine it will be the most satisfying. Eventually. 🙂

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  6. I have, twice so far, voluntarily ripped apart my life and rebuilt a new one. Those words look easy, don’t they? Boy-howdy, are they not. It was literally years of tears each time. (Altho’ I’ll admit, fewer the second time, but still…)
    I’m very glad to see you’re expanding your willingness to be patient with yourself to outside the realms where that’s easy.

    Yy

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    • Yep, the words do look easy – and yikes, it sure isn’t. I’ve done it before too, but this time is really the most comprehensive. Lol, yeah, it’s a wonderful way to expand my patience with myself – it makes me laugh, cause this stuff is always harder to do than it is to tell other people to do.
      yY

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  7. Last year, at least I think it was last year, around this time I felt like a great majority of my life was spinning out of control and also felt there wasn’t much I could really do about it. Somehow I was directed to settle my inside. THAT I could stop spinning. I did a bit of Chakra work. I started carrying stones that found me. Many I thought would find me a tad loopy (okay more than normal) yet I was pleasantly surprised most didn’t. The inner peace that eventually came over me was amazing. My circumstances didn’t change much, but the way I lived through them did.
    I am not suggesting your world is spinning out of control, but any bit of swirling can be very disjointing to oneself. I hope you continue to find ways to build on your positive thoughts, recognize the negative ones, but continue to not let them take over. In short continue the path to your authentic self ( Good GRIEF I sound like I just had a joint- I swear I am only half way through my morning coffee!!!)

    willie

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    • Yes, I think anytime we can create our own sense of stability and find our own peace we are better off. I think that having some history of being able to do that makes me harder on myself when I’m not living up to whatever standard it is I’ve unconsciously set for myself. But you’re so right, it is really about moving toward my most authentic sense – lol, even if it does make us sound like old hippies. Thanks, Willie.

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  8. I’m beginning to think my blog isn’t quite the BDSM / spanking blog it once was either. I’m glad that’s ok tho, blogland has been very kind to me and accepting of whatever I spew. And I”m also finding myself renovating my life, it’s heartening to know that I’m not the only one, and that I’m in good company.

    Change is never bad, they say. It’s what you do with it. What about when we’re the ones changing the stuff around us? and ourselves? I suppose maybe my chakras are out of whack too.

    I solve inner chaos by decluttering my outside space. I silence my restless spirit with relaxing sits in the pool. And right now I’m trying to energise my world with home upgrades to quell the nagging feeling of being stagnant in my personal growth. seems to be working 🙂

    Your personal renovations give me hope. Thank you for sharing this piece.

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    • Oooooh, I just found this wonderful quote for us, fondles, for us and all of us who are in mid-painful change. I was going to put it here, but I think I’ll blog it instead. Yep.

      Change is hard. Even if you’re doing it yourself – I mean, we already know that – everyone who’s commented here who’s been down this path knows this.

      It sounds like you have some ways that you deal with the distress that calms you. As long as it’s working, good for you! (Although the therapist in me wants to say something about the “nagging feeling of being stagnant in my personal growth.” But I’m going to walk away from it instead. 🙂

      Thanks for commenting!!

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  9. Lol, fondles, it’s not anything you don’t already know. Just thinking that home upgrades are a wonderfully symbolic way to bring change into your life and wondering if that would satisfy the need for personal growth. And then I saw on your blog today that you’re looking at classes you might want to take, so there ya go. You did already know. 🙂 ❤

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