FFF – 3-23-18 (on Saturday)

/ olivia

i was getting ready to do one of those “oh, i’m a terrible person, i haven’t lost any more weight and i’m not doing the things i said i’d do and…’  And then you all would have (probably) said kind things and i would have felt cheered up but still felt like a failure.  A happier failure, but still.

On a side note, I went looking for images for “happy failure,” and was very surprised to discover that there’s a book called “Memoirs of a Happy Failure,” by Alice von Hildrebrand, whom I’d never heard of.  Apparently, it’s about her life and Catholicism  and her marriage to the philosopher Dietrich von Hildebrand, and how she saved countless college students from the evils of relativism and helped them find God.  Ok, seriously, enough of that.

However, I also discovered – possibly even more surprisingly – that Herman Melville had a book entitled “The Happy Failure.”   It’s a collection of 10 of his short stories, including one with the Happy Failure title.  Who knew?  (Um, wait – I bet Jz knew.  Just saying…)

Finally, I saw that there’s an International Day for Failure.  No kidding.  It’s October 13th.  So maybe I’ll wait til then to talk about failure so I can be part of the festivities.

And after all that research, this was the best I could find in the way of an image:

making-failure-a-happy-experience

But then i decided to go look at my actual goals and see how far off the mark I really am.  So here they are:

  • Eat less – YES!  I really am.
    • Use my stupid Fitbit to count calories – Not doing this.
    • Reduce carbs and sugar.  Cut the obvious ones.  Pasta.  Ice Cream.   YES!  I really am doing this.
    • Eat 3 meals and 1 snack per day – no more.  Mostly doing this. My biggest problem is stretching dinner beyond its limits, so I need to stop that.  Having a few pistachios, a few cashews, a little bit of fruit -and oh, yeah, some cheese to go with that fruit, for example, when I’m really finished with dinner.
  • Move more
    • Pay attention to my stupid Fitbit when it tells me to move to get my 250 steps/hr (when possible.)  Pretty much!   Maybe not as much as I’d like, but more often than i used to.
    • Do some kind of yoga once a week. Nope.

      • Use the gift certificate I have for 3 free yoga classes – Nope.
    • Do some kind of dance once a week – Some weeks.
    • Do a walking video twice a week – Nope  But I have gone for a lot more walks, so that’s been good.
    • Spend 20-30 minutes organizing stuff at least 4 day/week Hahaha, no.
  • At least twice a week, do one of the many things on my to-do list that I’ve been putting of doing.  No Idea. I’m no longer even sure which of my lists i meant.  However, i think i am maybe creating plans that will keep me moving in the right direction, so that’s all good.

So I’m at maybe 50% of my Eat Less goal, maybe 10% of my Move More goal, and ?% on my Do Things goal.  Floating somewhere between “Terrible” and “Good Enough.”  i can live with that.  I’m still 5 pounds down.

Found this quote, which really speaks to me.

“Do you love me enough that I may be weak with you? Everyone loves strength, but do you love me for my weakness? That is the real test.”
― Alain de Botton

It resonates with me on lots of levels, you know, given my “omg, am i really responsible for every damn thing?” stance sometimes.

And it also reminds me of this time, with this one Dominant. I had hurt my knee.  Gosh, probably 12 or 13 years ago now.  i had significant knee issues back then, and sometimes i’d turn wrong or put my weight on it wrong and just wrench it.  It would balloon up and i’d get out my knee brace, pop ibuprofen and be limping for a few days.

Anyhow, we were out somewhere when it happened, just getting ready to head home, and it hurt soooo much.  So he picked me up and was carrying me to the car, while i protested “oh, i’m too heavy, you shouldn’t carry me!”  (30 pounds lighter than now.  Already thinking i was huge.)

But he’s carrying me along, and he stops a second.  He says, “I shouldn’t say this, I know it’s wrong that I feel this way, and I’m sorry you hurt your knee.  But,” he grinned, and i caught a glimpse of the predator that lived inside him, “But I kind of like it that you’re helpless.”  He set me gently in the front seat.  “I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I just do.  I like knowing that you’re weak right now and need me to take care of you.”

I have lots of thoughts about strength and weakness and being able to take care of oneself or not, lots of categories and ways to look at it.  But that story and the look on his face when he said it, doesn’t quite fit anywhere.  So along with the other responses i had to that quote, this story popped up for me again.

I don’t have a wrap up for this.  That moment where it comes together and makes sense.  So i’ll just leave it here.  For now.

18 thoughts on “FFF – 3-23-18 (on Saturday)”

  1. your post made me giggle. good job on the “eat less” goal. don’t beat yourself up over the extended dinners. I am a eat-at-night person too, so i can go for hours in the first half of the day without food.. then when the sun sets the gobbler in me is set loose!

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    • Lol, i’m so glad you enjoyed it!! And omg, i can not eat for a long time in the morning too! Nice to here there’s someone else like that. “The gobbler in is set loose…” THAT cracked me up!!

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  2. I too enjoyed your post. I am all to familiar with that ‘look’ of a dominant who sees his submissive as an injured bird. Frig, B steps it up several notches when I am injured or unwell. He also gets a bit more..(censored LOL)..I mean SERIOUSLY? I am coughing up a lung over here! LOL

    Good luck next week upping your percentages!
    willie

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    • Thanks, Willie! I’m glad you enjoyed it. And yeah, I’m glad i’m not the only one to have that experience – and that makes it ever more interesting.

      Thanks for the good luck wishes – I’ll take them!

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      • And you should know that I am completely sure that no one else reading this blog would have known you had it wrong. But you would have and yes, that’s exactly all that matters.

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    • Ha! I KNEW you’d know! Thank you for being you. Bartelby the Scrivener, hmmmm. I, on the other hand, not surprisingly either, do not even have a favorite among Melville’s short stories. Philistine that I am… Thank you for coming through for me!!

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  4. You’ve made 50% of your goals? Why, that’s *fabulous*!! BTW…30-40 minutes is WAY too long to organize. If you feel like reading about organizing, go to Flylady. But really a timer set for 15 minutes will get you started. If you only sort a pile of pens, or a small stack of paper in that time, then so what? It’s still more done than the day before…(how do you eat a whale? One bite at a time…for a long, long time). You’re eating a whale. And besides, you’re going to be MOVING! Hard to really organize when that’s about to occur, right? You weren’t procrastinating, you were in liminal time until you closed on the house. Congrats on that, btw! I’m so happy for you. You are way more full of awesome than you give yourself credit for. Tell your MIB (mean inner bitch) to stfu. 😀

    nilla

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    • Dear ‘nilla – Thank you very much, but um, no, I haven’t made 50% of my goals. I’ve done maybe 50% of the things I said I would do to reach my goals. 😦 But thanks.

      Lol, I am eating a whale when it comes to organizing, and moving complicates it, for sure. I should go check out your flylady again, it’s been a while. But thanks for input – I’ll definitely lower my time standard for organizing! 15 minutes a day, huh…

      And thanks for the congratulations! My MIB is not really so loud today, so that’s good, right! Thanks for the support and sage advice though. ❤

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  6. Olivia I enjoyed reading your Happy Failure post. You are doing well even if not sticking to everything. Keep up the good work.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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  7. Hey…you are being way to hard on yourself…you set a LOT of goals…..and you are in there trying….BTW I am very good at rationalizing why I did not meet all my goals, if you would like some help on that I am available….hugs abby

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    • Thanks, abby – particularly for the kind offer to help me rationalize! Although i’m pretty good at it myself, i bet if we put or heads together we could be world class!

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