Frigging Fetlife & Maudlin Musing

So, it turns out that the “Domme” who messaged me is actually not.  He’s a complete newbie who seems to be a bit confused about terms and roles and – you know, whatever.  I had not really bargained for that.  Don’t ask me why i’m still messaging with him.  He’s pretty clearly looking for a play partner and the last thing i’m interested in is getting involved with someone who has no idea what he’s doing.    (Does that sound mean?  Even if it does, it’s true.)

But i’ve realized something that’s a bit worrisome.  i feel like i’m withdrawing into my body and i don’t – i don’t want to be touched.  This is a little bit weird because i’ve often craved touch.  But the thought of it now kind of makes me recoil and pull up into myself.

MP doesn’t generally touch me, not casually, not with affection, not curled up together at night.  When he does now, it feels strange and i don’t really want him to.  This worries me.   It makes me feel dry – like an autumn leaf.  Makes me feel like i might dry up and blow away.

i was reading Living a Loving Life this morning and thinking how much i could relate to her experience with aging.  i am not liking this whole “being in my 60’s” thing nearly as much as i’d like to.  My experience of my body seems mostly unpleasant or disappointing.   I think that i probably don’t look as bad as i think i do, but there is no one here to tell me that i don’t.

MP was never one for physical compliments and if i were to tell him i feel old and ugly now, i imagine he’d say something philosophical about none of us looking like we did when we were 20.  Which is true.  It just wouldn’t be the compliment i was fishing for!  Not the reassurance i would want.

Ok, enough of this – too close to maudlin, without the alcohol to fuel it.  It makes me sad that i feel this way, but better to recognize what i feel than not.  i ran across this quote:

“We create the illusions we need to go on. And one day, when they no longer dazzle or comfort, we tear them down, brick by glittering brick, until we are left with nothing but the bright light of honesty. The light is liberating. Necessary. Terrifying. We stand naked and emptied before it. And when it is too much for our eyes to take, we build a new illusion to shield us from its relentless truth.”
– Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing

i don’t know why that feels so true today.  The idea of living in illusion just seems connected with the idea that it’s not what happens to us that “makes” us feel a certain way, it’s what we say to ourselves about what’s happened. I know that for the most part this is true.  The part that i can see more clearly now is how often the things we say to ourselves are built on shifting sand.  And maybe that’s ok.

Um, hope you’re having a lovely weekend!!

 

 

FFF – 3-30

Here we are, once again.  Time for check-in.

I think i lost a pound!  I say “i think” because my weight fluctuates within a couple of pounds day to day.  It doesn’t just go down and stay down but shows up within a range.  Right now, I’m fluctuating between Something-something-6 and Something-something-4.  When i’ve seen a new low to my range, and have seen it more than once, then I consider that having  “lost” the weight.   Do youall experience the same thing?

Other than that, i don’t have anything new to report.  Ho-hum.

I did get a message from a Domme on fetlife who lives in my area and is looking for friends.  I thought that might be fun, so I messaged her back. We’ll see.  Even just some conversation would be nice.

Packing – that’s what i’m mostly doing these days.  Ok, that’s not true – I have help with the packing, so I’m not actually doing that personally. I’m watching the belongings we have disappear into boxes, neatlly labeled boxes, stacked in the spare room.  Like magic.

What i do (aside from working) is make arrangements for stuff.  Changes in utilities, addresses, etc, etc, etc.   Stuff turned on, stuff turned off.  Stuff scheduled.  Fortunately, MP is doing some of that arranging too – handy man, electrician, and more.  We’re cataloging what has to be done before we move in and what can wait, when we have to be at the new house, and when we need to be here.  I’m not complaining – our last move was a thousand times more complicated and more difficult than this.

But – as you can see – it’s pretty much all i can think about.  That, and work, which you probably don’t want to hear about.

And i keep walking away from this and coming back.  Which is not making it any more interesting than it was before.

So, um, I think i lost a pound.  Woohoo!!

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TMI Tuesday – Confessions (on Wednesday)

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, your future, what would you want to know?

Oh – I don’t think I want to know anything!  You know?  I kind of thought I did want to know some stuff, but when I started thinking about it?  Nah.  I’ll pass and just continue to be surprised and amazed by the things that life brings.

2. What do you value most in your sex life?

Sex life?  If i had one, i would – ok, never mind.  What i’ve valued most about my sex life, when i had one, was the sense of connection and belonging.  Particularly when it involved spanking and feeling dominated.

3. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

I don’t know if “too serious” is the right term.  I don’t tolerate jokes that are racist or misogynistic or homophobic or any of those other kinds of categories.  I don’t think they’re funny and they offend me. 

4. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one in which you currently live, where would you move and why?

Nope.  I just moved to another state.  Not doing it again anytime soon.  Ok, ok, if I HAD TO?  Sigh…  Maybe Belize.
5. Are you too nice?

Um, no.  Sometimes people think i am, but they don’t know me very well.  i like to think i’m sometimes kind and generous and tolerant and some other things, but “nice?”  Not so much. Then i had to go look up the definition.  From Webster, for context:

The definition of nice is someone who is pleasant or agreeable or something that is in good condition and that is pleasing. An example of nice is a description for a person who is friendly and who everyone likes.

What is the difference between nice and kind?  It will be easier to understand the difference betweennice” and “kind” if we focus on the opposing motivations behind each way of being. The nice person is externally motivated. … The kind person is internally motivated. She has good self-esteem and isn’t looking for approval.

For me, nice always has the connotation of appearing nice rather than something genuine.  And maybe that’s not fair.

Bonus: Falling in love is _____ . (one word only)

exciting.

 https://tmituesdayblog.wordpress.com/

Monday Quote

I’ve noticed that i’ve been “followed” by some Christian bloggers – lured unsuspecting by some post that i marked “spiritual, ” i suppose.  i can see how it would happen, although i think they’re going to end up shocked.

But then it occurred to me that the template i’m using has all the widegets hidden, so my “warning” that this is an adult blog didn’t show.  i’ve remedied that now, and have a sticky post entitled “Warning.”  Hopefully, that will at least warn them!

I ran across this quote the other day:

“Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess.”    — Thomas Merton

Thomas Merton was a Catholic monk, and i’m sure he was talking about surrendering to God, not to his Dominant.  But i always think some of the same elements are there.  i don’t feel the passionate need to talk about it that i once did, but i think i’m more sure of who i am now than i was then.

At the moment, i’m not feeling pulled to surrender myself, to give, in the same way i have in the past.  i suspect the need is still smoldering underneath somewhere, but i’m not particularly aware of it – which is good, considering i don’t have anywhere to place it right now.

I bought the latest Maren Smith book from the Masters of the Castle series – Seducing Sandy, i think.  i read it yesterday, and was a bit disappointed.  It just felt flat for me.  Maybe i’ve read too many of them.  Maybe her style of kink – the character’s – didn’t do it for me.  For whatever reason it just didn’t quite have the appeal for me that the other books in the series had.

i did mostly stay off Facebook though, so that was pretty amazing.  And it wasn’t as painful as i thought it would be.  Maybe i can still use it and not be so compulsive about it.

Back to work today, and of course i was awake at 3 a.m. driving myself crazy for no good reason.  Sigh…  That’s ok. Sleep is highly overrated.

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Sunday Silence

I have the house to myself again today – MP left on Thursday so it’s been quiet around here.

Yesterday, since i didn’t get to go to the play party, i went to the March for Our Lives, which was pretty phenomenal.  Then i took myself out for dinner, where i sat outside for the river view (all zipped up in my hoodie, cause it was windy and a bit cool.)

I had some delicious seared scallops and a glass of white wine.   And um, whipped garlic mashed potatoes.  Super yum.  Thanks to the March – and the hike back to my car – i hit my steps goal for the first time in forever, which totally made up for the mashed potatoes – yay!

New experiment today – i’m going to try to stay off Facebook all day.  (I have already been back on there 4 times since I wrote that sentence 15 minutes ago.  Sigh… But now I’ve turned off my notifications.)  It will be interesting to see how that goes!

i also spend too much time checking for comments here.  Not today.

i want to go for a walk and maybe drive out to the beach later if it doesn’t rain.   Whatever i do – whether it’s cleaning up the house a bit, which totally needs to happen, or other things (like i just ordered the new Maren Smith book, Seducing Sandy) – i want to make sure that i have time and space to feel the silence around me.

silence-mind

 

 

FFF – 3-23-18 (on Saturday)

i was getting ready to do one of those “oh, i’m a terrible person, i haven’t lost any more weight and i’m not doing the things i said i’d do and…’  And then you all would have (probably) said kind things and i would have felt cheered up but still felt like a failure.  A happier failure, but still.

On a side note, I went looking for images for “happy failure,” and was very surprised to discover that there’s a book called “Memoirs of a Happy Failure,” by Alice von Hildrebrand, whom I’d never heard of.  Apparently, it’s about her life and Catholicism  and her marriage to the philosopher Dietrich von Hildebrand, and how she saved countless college students from the evils of relativism and helped them find God.  Ok, seriously, enough of that.

However, I also discovered – possibly even more surprisingly – that Herman Melville had a book entitled “The Happy Failure.”   It’s a collection of 10 of his short stories, including one with the Happy Failure title.  Who knew?  (Um, wait – I bet Jz knew.  Just saying…)

Finally, I saw that there’s an International Day for Failure.  No kidding.  It’s October 13th.  So maybe I’ll wait til then to talk about failure so I can be part of the festivities.

And after all that research, this was the best I could find in the way of an image:

making-failure-a-happy-experience

But then i decided to go look at my actual goals and see how far off the mark I really am.  So here they are:

  • Eat lessYES!  I really am.
    • Use my stupid Fitbit to count caloriesNot doing this.
    • Reduce carbs and sugar.  Cut the obvious ones.  Pasta.  Ice Cream.   YES!  I really am doing this.
    • Eat 3 meals and 1 snack per day – no more.  Mostly doing this. My biggest problem is stretching dinner beyond its limits, so I need to stop that.  Having a few pistachios, a few cashews, a little bit of fruit -and oh, yeah, some cheese to go with that fruit, for example, when I’m really finished with dinner.
  • Move more
    • Pay attention to my stupid Fitbit when it tells me to move to get my 250 steps/hr (when possible.)  Pretty much!   Maybe not as much as I’d like, but more often than i used to.
    • Do some kind of yoga once a week. Nope.

      • Use the gift certificate I have for 3 free yoga classes – Nope.
    • Do some kind of dance once a week – Some weeks.
    • Do a walking video twice a week – Nope  But I have gone for a lot more walks, so that’s been good.
    • Spend 20-30 minutes organizing stuff at least 4 day/week Hahaha, no.
  • At least twice a week, do one of the many things on my to-do list that I’ve been putting of doing.  No Idea. I’m no longer even sure which of my lists i meant.  However, i think i am maybe creating plans that will keep me moving in the right direction, so that’s all good.

So I’m at maybe 50% of my Eat Less goal, maybe 10% of my Move More goal, and ?% on my Do Things goal.  Floating somewhere between “Terrible” and “Good Enough.”  i can live with that.  I’m still 5 pounds down.

Found this quote, which really speaks to me.

“Do you love me enough that I may be weak with you? Everyone loves strength, but do you love me for my weakness? That is the real test.”
― Alain de Botton

It resonates with me on lots of levels, you know, given my “omg, am i really responsible for every damn thing?” stance sometimes.

And it also reminds me of this time, with this one Dominant. I had hurt my knee.  Gosh, probably 12 or 13 years ago now.  i had significant knee issues back then, and sometimes i’d turn wrong or put my weight on it wrong and just wrench it.  It would balloon up and i’d get out my knee brace, pop ibuprofen and be limping for a few days.

Anyhow, we were out somewhere when it happened, just getting ready to head home, and it hurt soooo much.  So he picked me up and was carrying me to the car, while i protested “oh, i’m too heavy, you shouldn’t carry me!”  (30 pounds lighter than now.  Already thinking i was huge.)

But he’s carrying me along, and he stops a second.  He says, “I shouldn’t say this, I know it’s wrong that I feel this way, and I’m sorry you hurt your knee.  But,” he grinned, and i caught a glimpse of the predator that lived inside him, “But I kind of like it that you’re helpless.”  He set me gently in the front seat.  “I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I just do.  I like knowing that you’re weak right now and need me to take care of you.”

I have lots of thoughts about strength and weakness and being able to take care of oneself or not, lots of categories and ways to look at it.  But that story and the look on his face when he said it, doesn’t quite fit anywhere.  So along with the other responses i had to that quote, this story popped up for me again.

I don’t have a wrap up for this.  That moment where it comes together and makes sense.  So i’ll just leave it here.  For now.