Just a Story

i dreamt last night (this part is true) that i was with two men – maybe having coffee with them.  They were Doms but didn’t know i was submissive.  Then one of them asked me, “Well, if you know about BDSM, do you have a role?  What are you in that world?”

And i felt all shy and i said, “well, i’m – you know – i’m a sub, i guess, but…”  And he said, “A sub?”  And i said, “yes,” but i couldn’t look at him, i said, “i’m submissive, i guess, but i haven’t, you know, i haven’t done anything  in a really long time.  i guess i’m still submissive, i don’t know.  Can you be submissive if you’re not doing anything?”  And i couldn’t make eye contact, couldn’t look at him.

Then the dream switched to something else and eventually i woke up.  But i thought about this:

We are in a coffee shop, my latte untouched in front of me.  The man across from me is a stranger, except for a few exchanges on the internet.  He is better-looking than i would have thought from his picture, good looking for an old guy.  i wonder if he’s disappointed in my looks, but i will not ask. 

He looks at me with curiosity, and i mentally squirm a bit under that calm gaze.  “So do you think you’re submissive?” he asks, “or know that you are?  There’s a difference.”

“Yes,” I say, resisting a slight urge to add “Sir.”   “I know there is.  I – I know I’m submissive, at least I was in the past, for sure in the past.  Can that change?”

He smiles, just the tiniest bit, mostly with his eyes.  “I don’t know.  But it seems unlikely, doesn’t it?  How would that work, if it could change?  Something to think about.” He pauses just for a second, and adds with a slight nod, “Drink your coffee though.  Go ahead.”

Even as i reach for my latte, i know he is making a point, and i can’t stop myself, i grasp the cup, fully aware that i’m obeying him.  Watching him even as I lift the cup to my lips, i see his mouth twitch, trying not to smile.  i feel like it takes me hours to take a sip and return the cup to the saucer.  He watches me, cat and mouse, i think.  Damnit.

“How would that work,” he asks again.  “If you were submissive and enjoyed being told what to do, enjoyed following directions,” he pauses and I feel heat between my legs, as if my pussy is waking up.  Damn it.  He goes on, “If you enjoyed being spanked, lightly, for pleasure, or maybe harder, to please your Sir, and even harder maybe,  for punishment sometimes,” and my pussy clenches.  Like a stupid novel, i think, and i make myself sit still.

He smiles, and i think he can see it on my face, he knows that i’m responding.  I drop my eyes, still trying to shield myself, trying to hide my reaction.  

“Still not sure whether you’re submissive?” he asks, and i can hear amusement in his voice.  i shake my head, still looking at the table, at my coffee, anywhere but at him.  “Let’s try an experiment,” he says, and my brain goes into panic mode – an experiment?  doesn’t he see he already has, no, i really already know, this is enough, and my pussy clenches hard, i’m getting wet, damnit damnit, and i can’t respond.

“I won’t do anything you don’t agree to, you know that, right?’  i nod, i do know that.  i am not afraid of him that way, only afraid that he’ll see my soul.

“I want your wrist,” he says.  “Your left wrist.  Do you agree to let me have your wrist for a minute or two?”  

“Yes,” i whisper, withholding the “Sir” that almost slips out.

“Put your left wrist on the table,” he says.  I obey, feeling heat between my legs as I lay my arm on the table, wrist towards him.

“You have this Fitbit on your arm, I’m going to take it off,” he says.  “Turn your arm over, please.”  I like that he says please, although I would have done it anyway.  I turn my arm so the more sensitive skin of my inner arm is exposed.

His fingers on the Fitbit bracelet, the first time he’s touched me.  I shiver as he pulls it open, feeling as if he’s stripping me of my clothes.  He does it carefully, intentionally.  Not too slowly, and not as if he’s in a hurry.  I tremble a bit.

He moves the Fitbit aside, “I’ll put it here,” he says, placing it next to his coffee cup.  Both his hands are beside my wrist now, one on each side.  I’m watching, caught in an intense awareness of how close his hands are to touching me.  My palm is turned up, inner wrist exposed.

He slides his left hand under my wrist.  His right hand strokes the vein that runs to my hand.  i whimper, just a tiny whimper, hoping he can’t hear it..  His left hand encircles my wrist, closing on it in the same way that a handcuff would.  i am being held, contained.   

i cannot breathe, i swallow, loudly, i think.  His grasp on my wrist is firm, not tight, but solid.  i can not get away unless he choses to let me go.  He is watching me, i am trying not to react, but he waits.  Watching.

My nipples tingle.  My panties are drenched.  i have not felt this way in so long.  Tears fill my eyes and spill over.

His voice is gentle.  “What do you think?  Are you submissive?”  i want to answer, open my mouth, but nothing comes out.  “Answer me,” he says, and there is just enough command in his voice to allow me to obey.

“Yes, yes, sir,” i say.  i glance up and see such kindness in his eyes.

“Say it,” he says.  “Say, i am a submissive girl.”   My mouth is so dry, my heart is pounding, but he tightens his grasp on my wrist just a fraction and somehow that settles me.  i don’t have to worry or decide, i just have to obey.

“i am a submissive girl,” i say, and i feel the truth of it, my body relaxes into the knowledge, my heart opens and i long to offer myself.

“Good girl,” he says, with a smile, and a shiver of pleasure runs through me.


Get Things Done

The view from my “office”, aka the living room, is lovely this morning.  Pale pink streaking the sky, framed by the trees and rooftops.  i have finally gotten our screened in porch cleaned up enough that i will be able to sit out there and enjoy it, especially as the weather gets cooler.  i have my rocking chair out there – it has a metal frame and the seat is plastic-y so I think it’ll be ok in the humid air.  At least i hope.

i’ve decided to make the porch an internet free zone.  i’ll still be able to write or read out there, even on the computer or on my phone, i’ll just put it airplane mode before i step out the door.

i am still overwhelmed with things left undone, but maybe a bit less so today.   Plus it’s Friday, so i get to have the “weekend” fantasy that i will get all the things done then.  Quit laughing.  It could happen!



The Problem Today…

i am really just using this blog as a journal so pay no attention to my bitching and moaning.  There are things i need to say that i choose not to say to those around me in real life. This is one of them:

The constant presence of other people is really hard.  They randomly interrupt my work, disrupting my train of thought.  It’s not like they need focused attention so much as sporadic attention, when it strikes their fancy to engage.

And they deserve attention.  That’s the problem, in a way.  From my partner, to my daughter and my grandkids and on down to my two cats, they really are entitled to some attention from me.

My work requires attention too, and today it seems like it would be easier to go into an office, or at least have a room of my own where i could close the door.  i have tremendous focus, fortunately.  i can shut out all kinds of noise and chaos and confusion, but i don’t think it makes me more efficient or effective.  And being able to do that while i’m working, or at least able to do it part of the time,  doesn’t fill my need for solitude and time to think just for myself.

i’m not really complaining, just describing the situation, or trying to.  I have some getaways planned and am beginning to carve out a little time for myself.  But today i feel like – i don’t know how to describe it.  Like they’re attached to me.  Psychic barnacles clinging to me.  I have an urge to shake them off, or scrape them off, but usually don’t.

Anyhow.    i love them, i’m glad they’re here – grateful even.  It just feels like there is not enough of me to go around.

Today, i will focus on eating healthy food at regular times.  Maybe i’ll go to the coffee shop to work for a while.  i’ll go for a walk in a little bit, and count my countless blessings.

And  this man i’ve been chatting with on fet wants to have coffee.  i go from “meh,” to “it might be fun,” and “omg, the last thing i need is one more time commitment.”  i think if we schedule it for next week, it will give me time to look forward to it, begin to dread it, and change my mind and cancel at not-quite-the-last-minute.  Cause that’s how i am these days.

Is It Night Time?

It might be.  Night time, that is.  I’m super sleepy.

And while i don’t have to post today, i hate to interrupt the flow of writing something every day.

i made travel arrangements today for my adventure in December, and am super excited about that.  That trip will also open the door to possibly meeting another kinky blogger, which would be pretty overwhelmingly super cool.  Not saying more than that cause we haven’t talked about talking about it.  i would never talk about someone without their explicit permission.

I’m still savoring having met Jade and Sir Raven.  They were so much fun.  Jade has that “little” aspect of herself near the surface a lot (at least it seemed to me) and Sir Raven indulges her just a little bit like a grumpy old father (without putting too much energy into that analogy.)  But i so enjoyed watching jade poke SR and SR, quite aware of the poke, struggling not to be totally charmed.

I think SR knows that if she ever let herself go, she’d be head over heels and all her crusty curmudgeonly ways would be wasted and she’d be vulnerable and who wants all that?  Not SR, for sure.  Not that i would expect her to agree with anything i’m saying here, not in public anyhow.  And i could totally be wrong, but that’s ok, i’ve been wrong before.

Anyhow, i have two adventures ahead of me now, one in October and one in early December, and if that’s not enough for me, i don’t know what would be.  And i ran across this quote recently:

“…I didn’t run away to come home the same. -Claudia”
— E.L. Konigsburg, From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

i will just leave that sitting here.



One of those lists… and a Quote

Found this on FB and thought it was fun.

Marriages – 2
Proposals – 2
Divorces – 2
Surgeries – 0
Tattoos – 0
Piercings – ears only, 1 time
Ever shot a gun – yes, more than once
Quit a job – yes, a bunch of jobs – never been fired
Been on TV – yes
Fallen in love – um, yeah.  Oh yeah.
Driven cross country – hmmmm, not really I guess.
Hit a deer – NO, thank goodness!
Watched a birth – yes, my own child’s and 1 other
Rode in an ambulance – No.  Never spent a night in a hospital either
Sang karaoke – just once, and it was one time too many
Ice skating – yes, when I was a child.   Never as an adult
Been surfing – no
Ever seen the ocean – yes!
Rode a horse -yes – used to ride a lot, took lessons, that whole thing
Almost died – no
Been punched – no, not punched.  As he said, he always pulled his punches.
Punched back – no
In love now – hmmmm, define “in love.”  I don’t think so.

And on a whole different note… i ran across this quote this morning:

“No one will come and save you. No one will come riding on a white horse and take all your worries away. You have to save yourself, little by little, day by day. Build yourself a home. Take care of your body. Find something to work on. Something that makes you excited, something you want to learn. Get yourself some books and learn them by heart. Get to know the author, where he grew up, what books he read himself. Take yourself out for dinner. Dress up for no one but you and simply feel nice. it’s a lovely feeling, to feel pretty. You don’t need anyone to confirm it.”

— Charlotte Eriksson

And i wonder if that’s what i’ve wanted from a Dom. Someone to save me.  Because i’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that.  Sigh…


I Forget…

When i am most miserable and hopeless, i forget that it’s ok to feel that way.  i begin to feel like i’m irreparably broken, and that this is a huge problem.  i think that it’s supposed to be different, that i’m supposed to be different, that i’m supposed to make it different.

Today i was reading this:

“We all have our reasons. Sometimes we’re fractured by the choices we make; sometimes we’re shattered by things we would never have chosen. But our brokenness is also the source of our common humanity, the basis for our shared search for comfort, meaning, and healing. Our shared vulnerability and imperfection nurtures and sustains our capacity for compassion. We have a choice. We can embrace our humanness, which means embracing our broken natures and the compassion that remains our best hope for healing. Or we can deny our brokenness, forswear compassion, and, as a result, deny our own humanity…”  

“We’ve submitted to the harsh instinct to crush those among us whose brokenness is most visible. But simply punishing the broken—walking away from them or hiding them from sight—only ensures that they remain broken and we do, too. There is no wholeness outside of our reciprocal humanity.”
― Bryan Stevenson, Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption

i know, it’s a lot of quote.  But it reminds me of the value of getting in touch with the aspect of self that lives in the shadows.  i am reminded that life isn’t about “thinking positive” all the time.  That redemption come through pain and being able to hold the tension of not resolving your feelings by running away.

That’s one of the things that i’ve valued about the BDSM community – that it’s not a straight line to contentment.  That pain has it’s own reward, so to speak.

I was looking at a discussion on fetlife.  The question was:

Are there some mundane, vanilla things you do, goals you set for yourself when not active to keep growing as a submissive, to promote self-discipline, to stay organized or to practice your service skills in hopes of perhaps serving your future Dominant better and becoming a better submissive altogether?

i was prepared to go read a bunch of enlightening responses, and was amused that the few responses there basically said, “No.”  These submissive women set goals for themselves, don’t assume they can anticipate what some future Dom might want, may not see their “service skills” as separate from their regular life skills, and generally didn’t get involved in the “i need to be better” aspect of it all.

i’m fascinated by this.  i don’t know if it’s a change in the view of submission (granted, it’s a very small sample) or if it’s an anomaly.  But interesting, and different from this kind of discussion i’ve seen a few years ago.  i was all prepared to look for new ideas on how i could be different/better/more skilled.

But i’m pretty pleased  with, “Nope,” as an answer too.

i don’t think i’m going to have a traditional D/s relationship again.  i picture me volunteering to be a demo model for classes and such, to experience the sensations i’m missing.  But i don’t think that there’s some person out there who wants the same level of physical/emotional/spiritual connection that i once hoped for.  And today, i’m ok with that.

It leaves me, not for the first time, with my favorite Mary Oliver quote:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?





Someone I know (not through the kink community) posted this article on FB.

Rope Bondage by Lucy Bellwood

It’s a cute little comic style thing covering some basics of bondage.  It made me feel good because it triggered so many memories of a time when I was involved with someone who could do rope bondage and fire play and sooo many things.

It always makes me sad for a minute too, because that was long ago and far away and i really am too old for suspension bondage and I don’t know when my next opportunity for any kind of rope would be.

I think about how lucky I was to experience that.  I remember how lovely it was. And I remember that I wouldn’t have stayed there.  It was a “for a season” relationship and we both needed to move on.

But.  There is apparently a thriving kink community just a couple of hours from Where-i-Live.  And it looks like they do lots of classes and such.  Really.  So there are all kinds of possibilities in the Universe…

AND already this morning i feel like i’ve taken care of all my work responsibilities.  That feels great.  I have house stuff to work on, AND i’m going to the beach this afternoon.