Nope, not today

i am so far behind on some things – or so overloaded, it’s hard to say which – but i can’t seem to keep up with my life.

Someday, when/if i ever get half way caught up, i will write a real blog post.  As it is, i’m back to not even getting to read other people’s posts.  Or answer this person i’m chatting with on fet.

Can you develop adhd real late in life?  Cause i’ve become the poster child for unfinished tasks.  I am only writing this to remind me that I’m supposed to be posting here…

It’s a Mystery

Y’all. I published a blog post yesterday entitled Home Again, Home Again.  And it’s disappeared.  I don’t see it on the blog.  I can’t find it in drafts.  It’s not in the trash.

The only reason i’m sure i published it is because it shows up on the “stats” where it tells you what was published that day.  Otherwise, i might think i dreamt it.

Any ideas on where it went?  Does anyone have it? You know, it gets emailed to people when it’s posted -does anyone still have that email?  Where could it be?

Enquiring minds want to know…


A Mess, but Not a Failure

No matter what else may be bothering me, a trip to the ocean will always leave me calm and feeling better able to face those challenges. I know that sounds incredibly corny, but it is just true

When I woke up this morning, I almost decided to sleep a little more instead of driving down to see the sunrise. I’m glad I didn’t make that choice


It’s Official

i am kind of a mess.

i missed a work meeting this morning because I had confused the meeting with another meeting which is tomorrow.  And – at the same time – i missed a coffee conversation with a woman that I was introduced to on-line who lives here.  We were supposed to meet last week – and I canceled at the last minute then because i was too overwhelmed.  Today, i didn’t even cancel, just didn’t show for her.

i am pretty sure i need  to be punished.



It’s been a long time since i’ve been touched in a sexual or kinky way.  Years.  i guess if someone did, i might spontaneously combust and just go up in flames.

i ran across this quote today and it made me smile:

“So she thoroughly taught him that one cannot take pleasure without giving pleasure, and that every gesture, every caress, every touch, every glance, every last bit of the body has its secret, which brings happiness to the person who knows how to wake it. She taught him that after a celebration of love the lovers should not part without admiring each other, without being conquered or having conquered, so that neither is bleak or glutted or has the bad feeling of being used or misused.”
―Hermann Hesse,  Siddhartha

i feel like i’m too old, too flawed, to be attractive to anyone. Whether or not that’s true is not so important as feeling that way.

i start a fantasy in my head:

“I should take you to the Center for Reclamation,” he says.  

“The what?”

“It’s for submissives who’ve neglected themselves, been neglected and neglected themselves.  Like you.  They’ll whip you into shape,” he grins, “So to speak.”  

“That sounds scary,” i say, but i’m curious.

He shrugs.  “It’s purely consensual.  No one would keep you there if you wanted to leave.”

We drop the subject that night, and a couple of weeks go by before it comes up again.  We are having coffee, still dabbling with the idea of getting involved with each other.  i’m attracted to him, but the risk of getting hurt again just seems too big.  i’m too old, too tired.

i look up from my coffee to see our friend, Anna.  She smiles and makes her way to our table.  She looks relaxed and happy, almost glowing, and i think she must have fallen in love.  

We chat for a few minutes and then i say, “You look great!  What have you been up to?”

Anna looks around for a chair, pulls it closer and joins us at the table.  “The Center for Reclamation,” she whispers.  And giggles.  “That’s where I’ve been.”




Stirring the Pot

I forgot.  Coming here really stirs the pot of my feelings.


I’ve been fine these last few months.  Fine, I say.  Now i’m reading kinky blogs about spanking and getting turned on.  i’m reading old blog posts and longing for days gone by.  i’m beginning to write fantasies in my head.  Sigh.

i’m not going to spend my time here whining about things i don’t have.  No, i’m not.  Really.

i’m in a new city – i could get active in the community, right?  There’s actually a play party coming up soon.  You have to go to orientation first.  That would be two nights out of the house for me, which i’d have to explain to my partner AND to my daughter.  But it’s exciting to just have the possibility, isn’t it?

AND i’ve actually lost 15 pounds since i was here last.  I still have about 20 to go, and i’ve kind of stalled, but when i was here, i didn’t think i’d ever lose an ounce.

So i’ve not been thinking about kink or submission or any of that.  And i’ve been pretty ok.  But avoiding my feelings is probably not really great either.  Sigh.  So here we go.