For Real Now

Sir gave me an assignment.  i thought it was a stupid assignment and i didn’t want to do it. He says he’s training me.  Hmpf. i thought all kinds of mean nasty things about him and his ability to Dom me.  i know, that’s not very nice, but i did.  (i started to say it wasn’t very submissive, but really, we all have those thoughts, don’t we?  i bet it is part of being submissive.)

Anyhow.  i did what he told me to do, even though i thought it was stupid and i didn’t want to do it.  What was it, you wonder?  Ok, so (grumble, grumble) he had me watch these two videos of women masturbating and told me i had to write a short essay on how i could do it better if he told me to do it for him and Sir John.  And he included Sir John in the emailed instructions.

i can’t tell you how many objections i had to this whole thing.  First of all, i don’t much care for porn – not on moral grounds so much (although sometimes – it has to be clearly consensual) but it’s boring and often i think it’s just gross.  i know, it’s stuff i DO, but still.

Plus, i thought, if he’s gonna make me do this in front of him and Sir John, i’m just going to feel stupid and humiliated.  Predicting the future, i knew it would be AWFUL.

Then, this whole, “how could i do it better?”  Ugh.  i don’t know.  i probably couldn’t.  It was boring watching them.  It would be boring for them watching me.  i’d feel stupid.  Humiliated.  Awful.

Grumble, grumble.  Mostly to myself, but still, frigging grumble, grumble.  i started writing the “essay” still feeling grumpy and not submissive.  But a strange thing happened on the way to the end.

He asked me how i could do it better, or what would be different.  Well, what would be different would be the energy in the room, and the connection between me and him and i guess between me and Sir John too.  So i wouldn’t be all spread-eagle holding a magic wand and looking into the camera by myself.  i’d be interacting with him – with them – and i’d be obeying him in that moment when all the warm, fuzzy submissive stuff rises to the surface and all i can think about is pleasing him.  THAT would be different.

And suddenly i was all turned on thinking about it, nipples tingling, pussy throbbing, the whole nine yards.  Ha.  So i finished the essay and sent it, and hopefully he’ll like it.

Then i had to mentally eat all those mean nasty things i’d been thinking about him – and be glad i hadn’t said them out loud the way they were worded in my head, you know?

It reminds me that this shit is for real.  i really am a submissive girl who wants to please her Dom more than just about anything, and i love that i have the opportunity to do that.

And thank youall so much for your comments!  i love you guys.




The Good News Is…

…there is plenty to worry about, but i don’t actually have to worry about any of it.

i am not really sure i want to have sex with some stranger.  i mean, why can’t Sir just keep being the way he is now?

But i don’t have to worry about it.  We’ll figure it out.  i think.  i just need to flow with it.  This is the lesson today:

“When something difficult happens, you will train yourself to stop saying, “Damn! Why did this have to happen?” and begin saying, “Yes, of course, this is how it is. Let me turn toward it, let me practice with it, let me go beyond entanglement to gratitude.”

Because you will have realized that because you are alive and not dead, because you have a human body and not some other kind of a body, because the world is a physical world and not an ethereal world, and because all of us together as people are the way we are, bad things are going to happen. It’s the most natural, the most normal, the most inevitable thing in the world. It is not a mistake, and it isn’t anyone’s fault. And we can make use of it to drive our gratitude and our compassion deeper.”

Don’t Laugh…

Sir is running a bit amok.  Serious, sustained playtime two days in a row, sudden 24-7 protocols (mild, but still) and ongoing conversation about Sir John, our possible potential play partner.  He has ordered a bunch of toys and things online for me – an outfit of some sort, panties, a “comfortable blindfold” and a hood.  Yes, a hood.  i am a bit disconcerted by that.  Apparently, it has holes for the eyes and mouth.  i told him it would mess up my hair, but he seemed unconcerned about that.  🙂

At some point yesterday, i was a bit overwhelmed, and expressed my concern that at this rate he might burn out sooner rather than later.

He said, “Well, you wanted me to approach it the same way I do work, right?  That’s all I’m doing.”

Which made me laugh, cause really, be careful what you ask for!  No, i’m not complaining, and we did slow down enough last night to just have a long conversation about nothing in particular.  That was a treat.

He is pretty intense, and that’s one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place.  i am a fan of intensity.  i just need to be able to keep his attention, at least some of the time.

There’s a book called Go to the Widow-Maker, by James Jones.  He tells the story of a writer who is vacationing in Jamaica with his girlfriend and becomes obsessed with deep sea fishing.   He essentially abandons his relationship to explore this new interest, leaving her baffled and hurt, struggling to regain his interest.  At the end of the book, he emerges from the obsession and re-engages with the woman he loves.

Anyhow.  Sometimes Sir reminds me of that.

i don’t know where we’re headed, but that’s ok.  We’ll just see where we go.

PS  I just read a synopsis of Go to the Widow-Maker, which puts a different spin on it completely.  That’s just the way i remember it…or the part i took away from it.


Not an Anomaly?

Yesterday, he told me i need to show him more respect, and i should call him Sir when we’re alone.  A couple of weeks ago, i would have felt indignant and scoffed at the idea.  But already it seems quite reasonable.  How quickly this submissive spirit falls into line!  (And that makes me smile.)

So we had playtime again last night, and it makes me wonder why we even need a third person in the picture, but i’m not about to question it.   Let the good times roll.

i think Sir thinks (and don’t you love that?) that i’m excited about having two men, you know, playing with me at the same time.  i’m not really – but maybe he just needs to believe i’m excited about it?  Whatever…  i’m content that we’re reconnecting.

i have exchanged some email messages with Sir John, who seems to be an ok person, so we are going to have coffee or a drink or something with him, probably this coming weekend. i suspect it will seem much more real after that.

i’m feeling pretty good myself, kind of relaxed and well used, more physically present.  Afraid to trust that this will last, but not worrying about it.  Que sera, sera, right?


Moving Forward

Sir (formerly known as MP) has taken to heart my suggestion that he put his skills in research and problem solving into our relationship, and i’m reaping the benefits.

i know, i know, i got all excited before and then it fizzled and it hurt so bad.  But vulnerability is the key to happiness, isn’t it?  Or some such nonsense.  Anyhow.  We’re here now.

Instead of just telling him i was going to leave, after that one post i did, i waited until after Xmas.  Then i told him that our relationship wasn’t working for me – that i wasn’t getting my needs met in a couple of ways.  And was clear about what those ways were.  That was when i suggested he put his problem solving skills to work for his own life as much as he does for his employer.

And i guess he did, cause now we’re talking to this guy, Sir John, via email, and talking about meeting up.  It’s different because instead of me sort of attracting a third party, and then having to explain the situation, Sir has been talking to different men on Collarspace and doing the legwork there.

And y’all.  Something about that process wakes him up.  Wakes Sir up.  i’m starting the 2nd day of the New Year having been cuffed and bound and spanked and having had a lovely orgasm.  Spent some time cuddling too, which was also lovely.

i’m trying not to pin my hopes on this lasting, but enjoying it while it does.  We’ll see…