So if my work issues are kind of becoming resolved – which they might be – and if i can take advantage of the opportunity to work through my issues – even knowing that the organization is also fucked up – rather than leaving, then only about 2/3rds of my life is still out of synch with my self-imposed judgement of what it should be.
Hardly anything in that statement is in keeping with the zen flow that i’m looking for. That’s ok. i didn’t wake up til about 3 a.m. today – yes, that’s an improvement. Don’t laugh.
Then i found this quote that speaks to me on some deep level, and maybe will to some of you too.
“The Ache That Would Not Leave
Behind the hum and routine of daily living, there lay a persistent and wild longing for something she could not easily put into words. It felt like impulsive adventures and watching the sun rise over unfamiliar mountains, or coffee in a street café, set to the background music of a foreign language. It was the smell of the ocean, with dizzying seagulls whirling in a cobalt sky; exotic foods and strange faces, in a city where no one knew her name. She wanted secrets whispered at midnight, and road trips without a map, but most of all, she ached for someone who desired to explore the mysteries that lay sleeping within her. The truly heartbreaking part was that she could feel the remaining days of her life falling away, like leaves from an autumn tree, but still this mysterious person who held the key to unlock her secrets did not arrive; they were missing, and she knew not where to find them.”
– John Mark Green
But that’s the stuff of fantasy, isn’t it?